This is a great question from a longtime and lovely reader of mine, Masaleen:
Hope you’re doing well. I’m still an avid fan, and you andÂ David become a cuter couple with every video.
My struggle is this. Recently I’ve been feeling a bit estranged fromÂ my man because he feels I don’t understand his love of video games,Â and wishes I did. I do my best not to make him feel controlled;Â letting him play when he wants to, and with his friends, etc.
But having him need me to see and appreciate the “depth,” “inspiration,”Â and “heart” he feels some games have is going too far for me. He evenÂ wishes I would play a bit so that I would stop assuming heâs doingÂ something shallow and meaningless. Is it not enough that I leave himÂ alone when heâs playing and never complain afterwards? Iâm notÂ silently seething either; Iâve come to accept his need to play.
But now I feel controlled and unappreciated, simply for not seeingÂ gaming the way he and his buddies do. I am NOT his buddy, I am a womanÂ and his lover and I have no interest in games. Is this an inadequateÂ way of thinking? Should I try harder to share in and understand hisÂ hobbies, or am I wise in staying out of his masculine interests?
I feel many women struggle with men who love video games a LOT. IÂ donât know if David loves gaming, but for most women, I know whoseÂ men love it, it is frequently a struggle for her in some way.
Whether you want to address me directly or answer it in a post is upÂ to you, but I would LOVE if you shared your insights on how women shouldÂ handle men and their love, sometimes obsession, with gaming. It can beÂ an extremely delicate subject for men, making them put up theirÂ defenses easily, so itâs not easy to deal with the issue.
Thanks for your time, Renee. I really appreciate all you do. YouâveÂ contributed to helping Mike and I stay as strong as we are (becauseÂ donât worry, we are still madly in love;)”
Hi, lovely Masaleen!
Thanks for your email. And yes, I can relate to this. I laughed soÂ hard when you said he wants you to appreciate the “depth” andÂ “heart” that some video games have (no disrespect to men and theirÂ love of video games, that’s just that I’m a woman and that justÂ sounds so hilarious to me) lol, anyway –
Years ago, David used to play video games a lot. Sometimes untilÂ late when he had to wake up at 6 am the next day forÂ work! I feelÂ it was his way of escaping from a job that he felt trapped in andÂ that he hated. (Click this link to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I?”)
You’ve obviously struggled with this in the past, way before youÂ emailed me – what I’m saying is, you’ve struggled to understand whyÂ on earth he has to be so “involved” and distracted by video gamesÂ and can’t give you the deep love you want.
To you as a woman, most video games are not full of depth, or heart.
You’d rather he came over to you and gave you his full presence andÂ loved you so deeply (instead of playing video games at that momentÂ anyway) you don’t know which way is up, or down.
I think intuitively, us women know that video games are just a shallowÂ way of expressing their masculinity and feeling successful. After all,Â you have to turn the game off and go back to real life sometime soonÂ enough.
And We’d rather not be around him when he does it, we’d rather see himÂ doÂ something more ‘constructive’. Even if our man is already successfulÂ and constructive out in the real world, it still hurts to be around himÂ when he actually is playing video games instead of giving you attention.
Not to mention being asked to play WITH him.
(David used to ask me to play video games with him as well, and sinceÂ I wanted intimacy with HIM instead, it felt like my needs were beingÂ dishonored). So I can relate.
FIRST I’ll touch on understanding him, then I’ll give you my thoughtsÂ on what ‘steps’ to take. (read my article about why he takes me for granted)
1)Â Video games are an easy way for men to feel successful. It’s kind ofÂ like women emptying their bank accounts to buy all these clothes andÂ shoes and accessories and make up that they hardly ever use or wear, inÂ order to feel beautiful and magnify their radiance. (Click here to download the “Goddess Report”)
When in fact, the best way to magnify her radiance would be to becomeÂ a woman who radiates love from within. No amount of clothing is everÂ a replacement for that.
And all the while, her man is getting all stressed out and feeling disrespectedÂ because she’s out spending all this money rather than giving him theÂ love and appreciation HE wants, which would be one of the real secretsÂ to actually making her more beautiful to him (at least in his mind, anyway).
It’s a classic example of men wanting women to think like men and womenÂ wanting men to think like women.
It’s no different to women trying to drag their men along shoppingÂ with them and getting hurt when he walks off for hours or looks soÂ ‘absent’ and dumbfounded whilst she’sÂ shopping for stuff and wantsÂ his opinion on what she picks up to try onÂ (which, if you’re like me,Â is usually half the entire clothing store!).
See where am I going with this?
On the one hand, he wants to feel more connected to you, because heÂ feels you don’t understand him on his level, so he’s trying to ‘makeÂ you more like him’. He feels this will make you ‘understand’ him, andÂ develop a connection, and a ‘commonality’.
But, he’s forgetting that it’s not what you have in ‘common’ thatÂ attracts you to each other and made you fall in love in the firstÂ place. It’s your differences. It’s the masculine/feminine polarity.
If you start playing video games with him all the time, soon enoughÂ he’s going to find himself repelled by you and feeling less passionateÂ about you.
Just as you would if you had a man who tagged along on every shoppingÂ trip. You would like it at first, but then you’d start to see himÂ through a different ‘lens’. It’d feel different to you. You’d lose the attraction. (Click here to take the
So in terms of understanding, you don’t want to take away the pleasureÂ he feels by playing the video games. Let him have that. It makes himÂ feel good, and it’s a quick way to feel successful.
If you try to take away this good feeling from him, he’ll just resent you for it. ItÂ won’t benefit the relationship. And, no matter how ‘immature’ his video gamesÂ habit may be, it’s not your job, as a woman to tell him what to do, and to teachÂ him about the consequences of his habits.
You can do it,Â but just be mindful of the consequences. It’ll feel good to you at theÂ moment, butÂ it will also just work against you and make your relationship goÂ backwards.
(By the way, the more you approach the situation with understanding, in the future,Â if you seriously feel like telling a man what to do, he’ll be far more open to itÂ because he can already trust you as a valuable woman in his life who understandsÂ him).
Remember in past emails how I said that masculine energy thrives onÂ challenge?
Well, video games provide a quick way to overcome challenges andÂ magnify his masculinity (in his mind), but it’s only on a veryÂ surface level.
So, what you’re doing so far is good in that you’re not making himÂ WRONG for doing this.
That’s the first step. Not making him wrong. Acceptance. Otherwise,Â you’ll just build resent between you both.
(There Are Exactly 7 Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to Men. Do You Know What They Are? (& How to Avoid Them Like the Plague)?Â Click here to find out right now…)
1) Sit with him for 10 or 15 minutes and watch him play the game.
What’s the point of this?
The point is to see him overcome an ‘opponent’. If you can evenÂ pick up when he does that. You’ll have to look carefully.
If I ever do this, sometimes I miss hisÂ ‘victory’ moments becauseÂ one: I don’t get the game and two – as a woman, I’m not really as in tuneÂ to these kinds of things.
He just wants you to appreciate his successes (yes, they’re veryÂ superficial), but fighting it won’t help. At least it won’t until you’veÂ made him feel that you understand him, at least on some level. (read my article about how to comfort your man)
And when he ‘shoots’ someone dead or whatever triumph he overcomes,Â just say something like ‘woah….that was cool….’ or ‘well done’.
Because his own woman is recognizing his ‘victories’ (however fakeÂ they are!)
And don’t sit there for hours doing it. You don’t want to dishonorÂ your own needs as a woman. That’s not good for either of you. ItÂ also does nothing for the growth of the relationship.
After the 15 minutes or so are up (don’t obsessively time this, youÂ want to be GENUINE about it. And really put yourself in his shoes.)
Then get up and say, ‘you know what, I’m going to read a book’,Â or ‘I’m going to call a girlfriend now’, cause I’m feeling a bitÂ lonely.
If he tries to get you to stay, you don’t have to. Honor your ownÂ need for intimacy.
2) the second option I have for you is more playful (or you can useÂ both steps I’ve given you). Here’s what IÂ would do if it was ME.
When he says ‘come play with me, you’ll appreciate the depth and theÂ heart of the game!’
I’d do what I do very often when these high tension situations popÂ up – I’d turn around and be playful, andÂ maybe even literally pokeÂ him with my fingers, and say:
“oh yeah!? come shopping with me and my girlfriends for the day!Â We can buy some pretty dresses and look a wide array of soaps ohÂ and maybe even shoes!
You’ll see just how pretty and DETAILED all the clothes are! IÂ can even SHOW you! Sometimes they add lace detail AND floralÂ andÂ buttons AND silk on to the ONE cardigan!”
And I’d do this just to break his pattern and make him go ‘huh?’
It just changes his state, it gives his brain a ‘jiggle’ in a funÂ way, and it breaks the pattern of him trying to get you to do guyÂ things with him, and is ‘gets the ball rolling’ toward him startingÂ to understand more of where you’re coming from, because you’reÂ actively implying, in a playful way, that if you were to ask him toÂ do girly things, it wouldÂ repel him, too.
It kindly reminds him of your differences. And that you shouldn’tÂ force each other to be the same. Without you having to go and literallyÂ TELL him:
“look. We’re not the same. This is the wrong way to go aboutÂ it.’ which will just make him resent you for telling him what to do.
And make sure it’s done in a playful way.
If you can’t do it without feeling resentful inside, don’t evenÂ bother (I know you wouldn’t Masaleen, I just had to put this in soÂ other women would know).
The key is to get to his level and establish some connection inÂ a way that actually also helps you also escalate the attraction inÂ the relationship.
Because these two things (connection and attraction) are often inÂ contradiction.
The more connection or ‘commonalities’ you have, the less attractionÂ you’ll have. (Click here to learn about the 17 Attraction Triggers)
So it’s like a constant (but fun) balancing act when you get intoÂ a relationship with a man.
And also take your time to check out our Understanding Men program. Click here to read more about this popular program.
The more the balance tips towards attraction and passion, the moreÂ you’ll have attraction, but perhaps the more fights you’ll haveÂ because you’re so different.
So that’s all I have to say about that. Let me know how you goÂ with my tips.
(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new DVD, and right now it’s FREE. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)
Lots of love,
P.S – please leave ANY tips you have of dealing with a man who is obsessed with video games.
Also, leave any stories or experiences you’ve had with men who are obsessed with video games. Thank You! ð
P.P.S.Â Connect with me on social media
TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the blog The Feminine Woman.
|What if He is Heavily in to Video Games?
|November 29, 2011 9:04 AM UTC (12 years ago)
|The Feminine Woman
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