Office power moves are actions and behaviors that assert your dominance and authority over colleagues and reports.
Why would you ever want to engage in power moves?
If you’re really asking that question, get immediately out of this page, please.
For the other Machiavellians who started salivating, this is your place.
This post will teach you how to assert power through the vast expanses of the office world.
Because whichever dark recesses those nine-to-fivers hail from, they must all know that you’re the alpha male (or female) of the office tribe and that nobody fux with you.
Note: this is a humorous article (but it’s still based on real principles).
- #1. Task Them For Stuff They Were Going to Do Anyway
- #2. Fix Their Mistakes Before They Got A Chance to Self-Correct
- #3. The Melons Power Move
- #4. Territorial Pissing Power Move
- #5. Master The Fine Art of Offers They Can’t Refuse
- #6. Show Them For The Poor Idiots They Are
- #7. Haze The F*ck Out of Them
- #8. Misspell All The Nobodies’ Names
- #9. Always Let Them Adapt to You
- #10. Let The Useless C*nts Wait
- #11. BONUS: Burn The Whole Thing Down
#1. Task Them For Stuff They Were Going to Do Anyway
Nothing makes you look powerful and in control as telling others what to do.
Always be the first to tell others what to do.
Act quick, before anyone else might score those precious points or, God forbid, before they get a chance at doing it without being told to (brrr).
You never want to waste any chance at increasing your office clout.
#2. Fix Their Mistakes Before They Got A Chance to Self-Correct
The more mistakes you fix, the more attentive you look -and the more you make others look sloppy-.
The stark tension between “perfect you” and “sloppy everyone else” will soon loom so large that it will automatically propel you right to the CEO’s spot.
And then you’re finally free to make all the mistakes you want.
But again, be quick!
There is nothing worst in the world of office power moves than a colleague correcting his mistake before you can do it!
Don’t allow that to happen!
It’s always better to jump the gun and overcorrect than to miss an opportunity for power moving.
In case you’re wrong, you still win.
You: Good, good. I want to make sure you’re not as sloppy as you seem
You can never lose in this game of power by being too bold.
#3. The Melons Power Move
When life gives you melons, f*ck the melonade, make a career out of it.
There will come a day when CEOs won’t pay stacked hookers anymore but they’ll plug their VR machines instead.
But until then, you’re still on time to take advantage of the most easily manipulatable animal on planet Earth.
So strike while it’s hot, sista.
Men are still desperate to exchange a blow job for any kind of job you want. So show the gals, and ask.
P.S.: men can also give it a try.
#4. Territorial Pissing Power Move
Regena Thomaschauer, in art “Mama Gena”, inspired us all with “Pussy: A Reclamation“.
Regena taught us how she secured her powerful, romantic, disgustingly rich and exquisitely European lover.
How did she get him?
When her beau let her stay at his place, she snuck around his back and rubbed her pussy all over the place.
And if you’re not “WTF-ing” already, that included his toothbrush.
After that, she told us, she became the queen of the house.
That’s a true story from her book (urgh!).
Still, you can take a leaf out of her book -but if you wanna get her book, go for the digital version… You never know the paper ones haven’t been rubbed by her personally-.
How to Territorial Piss All Over The Place
Does your company have separate areas for upper management and employees?
Flaunt those rules!
The rules are for the herd, and you’re here to learn the office power moves of the movers and shakers.
Let your soul soar higher than the small confines of corporate borders.
Be a towering bastion for freedom, for equality.
Lead the herd towards a more just world.
Encroach upon the land of the wealthy and powerful as you carry the cross of the poor and oppressed.
Yours truly did just that in high school.
While professors had their own clean toilets marked as “reserved”, the students were relegated to cattle-level stalls.
Do you think I was gonna have any of that?
Until I got busted.
The principal, old fuck that he was, didn’t get the pun. You should have seen his face when he was told:
Rebel power player: yeah, but it didn’t say reserved for whom
Good thing you can’t fire rebel f*cks from high school.
#5. Master The Fine Art of Offers They Can’t Refuse
Don’t let money and rules constrain your creativity.
There is so much more you can exchange: think outside the box!
Tyson once said:
Everything is for sale. But the price is not always money
Well, turns out that if you find out what they like, you might even save some money.
The Godfather, for example, found out that senator Geary gladly paid for the license instead of being involved with her hooker’s murder.
And the big band leader who started Johnny Fontane preferred to put the signature on the contract instead of his brain. True story.
Yep, the Godfather is really good at thinking outside the box.
Papaya Power Move
But if that type of outside the box doesn’t do for you, don’t worry.
There are all kinds of non-monetary offers that don’t entail violence.
And sometimes some love is all you need.
And if you don’t get need big melons to make a fast career, don’t despair.
A good papaya also does the trick.
Sometimes thinking outside the box could also mean inviting people to peek into the box.
Just be creative!
#6. Show Them For The Poor Idiots They Are
There is no point in making a lot of money if you can’t rub in the face of poor people.
But in this world of PC we are losing the art of a good rubbing it in.
That’s why you must take it upon yourself to make those entry-level nobodies feel like the worthless pieces of [email protected] they actually are.
A great office power move is to invite them out for a bash to make them feel like they are part of the group.
The secret to executing this power move well is to make them believe the company will pay. Those cheap f*cks love it when they can scrounge a meal on your dime.
But when the bill comes, big surprise!
Enjoy the look on their faces as you tell the waiter “we split the bill, thank you”.
They thought it was going to be fun ordering the most expensive booze on your company, eh?
Oh, what mr. Nobody, you don’t have that much money with you?
No worries, it will come off your salary on a monthly basis.
And you understand that by our internal very regulations we need to charge our interest fees.
#7. Haze The F*ck Out of Them
You know the famous Groucho Marx quote:
I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
Indeed, you don’t want lazy-asses, freeloaders commies like Groucho Marx in your club.
OK, that might have been a different Marx, so what, the point is the same.
You must set the bar high for your kingdom!
Plenty of sociological research shows that people don’t value groups that are too easy to get into (Cialdini, 1984).
And that’s why you must have them earn the entrance.
Cough up that entry fee until the last penny.
And then some more.
And this isn’t f*cking high school.
It works the inverse here: the more senior they are, the harder you haze them.
New CFO thinks he’s above the rules?
Sure thing pal, pass me the paddle!
The CIO thinks it’s not “safe” to record the hazing?
That’s why he’ll get a double dose!
That’s how they earn their entry.
Everyone must earn their buttons. You don’t want any young f*ck in the future to come in and tell your guys that they bought their buttons.
But most of all, you must make the point that only YOU are above the rules.
All the rest, they toe the line.
As long as you say so, at least.
Office Power Moves Twist
Oh, and in just in case you didn’t get it yet, you record it so you get proof of dirt on them.
That’s the Denzel Washington’s power move in Training Day.
#8. Misspell All The Nobodies’ Names
I hope you didn’t buy into that goody good shit from “How to Win Friends“.
Here is the quote, so that you can more easily erase it from your brain:
Mr Softie: Remember that a person’s name is to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
And since Mr. Softie Carnegie hundreds of thousands of execs have been pissing all their power away by lowering themselves to the status of nobodies.
But not you!
Real power players showcase power with the weight of their disrespect. Starting with the very first names of the nobodies around them -which is pretty much everyone-.
Here is a rule of thumb: the more exotic the name sounds, the more you will misspell it.
You want to make them feel like barely accepted guests in your office. The feeling must be a distinct feeling that they’re only there as long as they produce.
But at the minimum mistake, you sent them packing to the sh*thole they came from.
What’s that? “Oh you really need your VISA?”
OK, thank you for letting me know about your weak hand. Then maybe I won’t report you for stealing if you accept to work at half the salary.
The Art of Misspelling Names
And you might wonder, what if they are called “John”, “Jim”, or anything too easy to misspell?
I’m glad you ask!
Just because they’re from your same place it doesn’t mean they get treated any better!
And that’s where you show why you’re boss and you take it to the next level with your creativity.
You will call “John”, “Jim”.
And you will call “Jim”, “John”.
Another great option is to say that you’re sorry, but they look so similar.
Bonus points if they don’t look like each other in the slightest.
#9. Always Let Them Adapt to You
You want to make sure people know this:
You’re not jumping on the fags’ fad of inclusivity.
Let Justin Trudeau lead the way there:
Justin Trudeau: (with nasal, high-pitched voice): we like to say peoplekind, not necessarily mankind, it’s more inclusive
How do you nail this down?
Just do the opposite of what Trudeau would do.
Trudeau would include other cultures?
You diss them.
Trudeau respects minorities?
You always side with the majority that abuses the minority.
Trudeau would call the Christmas party the holiday party?
You know better.
Calling the “Christmas party” “holiday party’ is for faggotish corporations. A real office king has everyone else adapt to his culture.
Of course, it doesn’t matter if whether or not you’re a practicing Christian, it’s just to show that the others have to adapt to you.
And if one year you want to that point really clear, you will tell HR to organize the food with pork chops in every single dish. To hell vegetarians and other religions.
Show Disdain For Their Cultures
Real power players don’t buy the BS of their own company cultures and values.
They just made that stuff up to maximize the nobodies’ output.
And for the petty middle-level managers. They’re the conscientious ones who actually believe the corporate lies.
Power players are not really proud of their own cultures and countries. They know that top dogs are top dogs anywhere you go, and they have been the same any time throughout history.
But they still show disdain for anything “different”.
Just to show superiority and to decrease everyone else’s status.
Here’s how it’s done, fellas:
That’s a proper power player.
F*ck you and your culture, let’s drink. When I say so.
#10. Let The Useless C*nts Wait
You must always show everyone that your time matters more than all their times combined.
That’s why you call a big meeting and then you stroll with a 20 minutes delay saying:
You: sorry the delay guys, I had some important stuff to do.
Say it with a superior tone.
Then, if they still don’t get it what a bunch of useless c*nts they are, you add:
You: Alright, let’s get through this quick so I can get back to do important stuff
If they still don’t get it, you might have gone too far following Michael Gerber’s advice and making your business monkey-easy to execute.
You know, kings can get lonely too.
So hire some c*nts who can at least get your office power moves. There is no pleasure otherwise.
#11. BONUS: Burn The Whole Thing Down
What are you telling me?
You’re not yet the top dog of the office world?
Then you must wash that dishonor in blood and destroy anyone who might otherwise live on to tell the story.
Learn how to destroy your boss, of course.
But first, learn to hate him.
Whatever small thing he has done to you, never think it might have been your own fault.
That feedback with “room for improvement”?
What, taking ownership of your mistakes?
No, f*ck that.
Growing from failures and feedback?
What are you a hippy now?
Use it all as dark motivation to bring him down instead.
Much better use of your time.
Or at the very least, gather enough dirt on him to properly blackmail him:
Kevin Spacey takes his boss down threatening to charge him for homosexual harassment.
Oh, the irony.
But a real Machiavelli quits the office with some proper flames in his wake.
The biggest office power move is always to bring the whole company down and to bury the full list of scumbags who failed to see you were king material.
Attila the marauder, “flagellum Dei”, wherever he moved, he brought destruction. The Italians still say that on his wake, grass would never grow back.
Well, f*ck those spaghetti momma lovers and let them complain about small-dick Attila. There’s a reason the memories of the great past are all they’re left with.
But you, you won’t let a horse-humping troglodyte outdo you.
Enter, the mister Farage power move.
What, you’ve been laughing about me for 2 decades you unelected, chair warming, business-suffocating EU c*nts?
Look who’s laughing now, f*ckers!
That rainy island is still in the EU, it might never leave and this whole charade just cost hundreds of millions?
He showed them.
About This Article
This article is inspired by a book called “What Would Machiavelli Do“.
Similarly to that book, you can read this post at different layers.
It’s satirical, of course. But it’s not pure fantasy, either.
And some of these office power moves are what some managers and execs are actually doing, either consciously or unconsciously.
Just not as obvious and not as aggressively.
But the gist is the same.
- The best power moves. Ever.