There are countless dating books and courses for women, not to even mention articles and the newly minted Red Pill community called “female dating strategies”.
They all purport to teach women how to date, how to find a boyfriend, and how to drive make men crazy.
But few of them are truly scientific.
This article combines science with that truly works in the real world, as personally experienced by the author.
Contents
- #1. Enhance Your Appearances
- #2. Signal Your Youthfulness
- #3. Signal Your Faithfulness
- #4. Delay Sex (Sometimes)
- #5. Play Selectively Hard to Get (Selectively)
- #6. Signal Your Exploitability (& Flip The Script)
- #7. Signal Your Approachability (IOIs)
- #8. Signal Your Kindness / Caring
- #9. Derogate Your Competitors
#1. Enhance Your Appearances
Men place a premium on appearance.
And as a natural consequence, the most prominent female dating strategies revolve around enhancing one’s physical appearance.
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
Yes, absolutely.
This is the foundation of any good dating strategy.
It’s not even only about “looking better”, it’s also an indicator of quality.
To make a comparison, a woman who doesn’t care at all about her appearance is the equivalent of a man who is happy to remain at his entry-level job position.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
You probably know the basics already, and it’s important to stay on point there.
Starting with personal hygiene to basics such as shaving legs and upper lip.
Science supports all following items as important dating assets:
- White teeth
- Facial skin contrast (makeup)
- Cheek redness (don’t overdo it)
- Smooth and clear skin
- Lustrous hair
- Red lips (lipstick works)
- Firm breasts (push-up bra)
- Hourglass figure
- Leg length (high heels are sexy)
#2. Signal Your Youthfulness
Men are attracted to younger women.
How young depends on a number of factors, including how old he is, what he can realistically get, and whether or not he wants children and a serious relationship.
It’s not true that “younger is always better”, but on average younger women do command more negotiating power in the sexual marketplace (for the exceptions check out the ebook “Dating Power Dynamics“).
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
Being strategic as to when to best settle down is very effective.
As a matter of fact, in a world where everyone largely leaves this important part of their lives to chance, it might be the best-kept secret in the world.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
There is little you can do to change your age, but since an indicator of youth is youthful behavior, “acting” young is an effective technique to be more attractive.
Evolutionary psychologist researcher David Buss lists the following traits for “youthful behavior”:
- Bouncy youthful gate
- High energy levels
- Animated facial expressions
If you want an example of “animated facial expression”, look at this clip:
Highly feminine, attractive flirtation, BTW
And for a grander dating strategy:
- Settle down young
It’s simply a question of negotiating power.
Sure, sometimes you can do well in negotiations no matter what, but if you want to put the odds on your side, you’re better off playing when you got a strong hand.
In the West marrying after her 20’s is not a huge drawback because many women do it.
But if you plan for it earlier, you enjoy a competitive advantage.
Start planning a couple of years before because it’s always best negotiating without an approaching deadline.
- Be strategic about settling down
Being strategic means that you know what you want and plan how to get it.
By when would you like to have a serious relationship? Always start two years before your “deadline date”.
What type of men, where are you going to meet him, how and when are you going to ask for commitment… ?
#3. Signal Your Faithfulness
Since men tend to divide women in Madonna and whores and do not want to invest in the whores, women position themselves as Madonnas.
Fidelity cues include:
- Virginity
- Low number of former partners
- Faithfulness
Delaying sex and “playing hard to get”, which we will discuss right after, are also partial indicators of faithfulness.
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
For long-term dating, yes, absolutely.
In David Buss’ research men seeking a long term partner rank faithfulness as their #1 priority.
For obvious reasons, faithfulness is not as important in short-term dating.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
Well, if you want to be honest, then you’d avoid sleeping around like crazy.
But that’s up to you.
What I can tell you, is this:
- If you have been with more than 10 men, don’t say it
- If you have been with more men than he has, don’t share it
- If you have crazy sex stories and he hasn’t, don’t share them
If he asks how many men you’ve been with and you fear your number is too high, say:
You: I have gotten close with the ones I really liked a lot. The way you act, I think less than you. How about you, by the way?
Then, confirm it was less.
It pains my heart to write this and encourage people to lie. But if I have to tell you what works, then this is what works best.
However, playing the Madonna comes with big drawbacks. It’s built on a lie, and ideally you don’t want to start relationships on a lie.
With more open-minded and worldly men, it’s best to drop that game and you will enjoy a much more genuine relationship.
Which is something that is generally good advice: nasty and win-lose games work with men with little options, but tend to backfire with higher quality and emotionally healthy men. The latter tend to prefer more collaborative women.
Here’s a list of games that women should better use carefully (or in doubt, not use at all):
#4. Delay Sex (Sometimes)
Women delay sex for two reasons:
- To make him invest more while she retains the biggest bargaining chip
- To avoid looking easy
In the Madonna-whore dichotomy, delaying sex helps women to position themselves as Madonnas.
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
It can be effective, yes.
Men cannot know her previous history, so they rely on how she behaves with them.
If she is hard to get for him, then many men generalize that she must be hard to get for most men, and thus she’s a woman worth investing in.
However, it does not work so well for men who know the game, and many women play this game very badly, making it obvious they just want to withhold on the sex chip as a negotiation tool.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
Here are six rules of thumb to help you strategize:
- Wait if he’s conservative
- Wait if you’re in a conservative culture
- Wait if you have some deeply ingrained beliefs on waiting
- Go for it if you’re in a whirlwind romance
- Go for it if you have great chemistry and passion is running high
- Go for it if you have been on a long nice date and it just feels like the “icing on the cake”
- Open minded men who have been around: go with the flow of how you feel
Finally, if there is strong chemistry, don’t douse the flames as that will scream of “game playing” and “frigid”, and it might derail an otherwise wonderful romance.
If you go for it quick, ideally you will want to make him feel special and that you did it “just with him”.
If you must delay sex, many men have a fragile ego and they take a sexual rejection personally.
The key is to “delay without hurting his ego”. Read more in “how to delay sex“.
#5. Play Selectively Hard to Get (Selectively)
Women play hard to get for two reasons:
- To signal desirability (“she must have lots of options”)
- To look more faithful (“Madonna”)
We go back to the Madonna-whore yet again.
It’s not that we are repeating ourselves, it’s because the Madonna-whore is truly deeply ingrained into men’s brains and it is central to his levels of commitment and investment to a woman.
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
The non-selective strategy, on paper, makes sense.
And in some circumstances, it can work great.
But there are a few issues in its application, including:
- Some men will take her game as honest disinterest and will move on (see: “top dating mistakes“)
- Some men will not want to play that game (see: “the make him chase myth“)
- Men with options might end up with easier women (maybe women playing the “bait and switch game“)
- People like people who like them, and stand-offishness communicates “I don’t like you” (Viren Swami, 2016)
- Some driven men might want her more, but end up liking her less
However, there is a way to make it work.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
The idea is simple:
Women should be hard to get for everyone except the man she chose.
This is what I call “selectively hard to get strategy“.
With this strategy, she retains all the positive aspects of the general “hard to get” strategy, such as desirability and loyalty, but without the drawbacks.
As a matter of fact, this “selective hard to get strategy” has a strong advantage: it makes him feel great.
Research supports the efficacy of this strategy (Walster et. al., 1973), and so does my personal experience.
I can tell you that the women who had few sexual partners but had sex with me quickly and pleasurably were my real favorites -and the ones I think of most fondly-.
This is truly powerful.
Ideally, you will not fake having had few partners so that you can build your relationships on the solid ground of honesty (but that’s up to you).
#6. Signal Your Exploitability (& Flip The Script)
Sounds strange?
Well, beyond the veil of political correctness, that’s how people -in this case, men- really are.
Men are attracted to signs which communicate “I am easy to exploit”.
Exploit for what?
Sex, of course.
Signals of exploitability, on top of the ones in the figure below, include:
- Silliness
- Giggling
- Cluelessness
- Scatterbrained conversation
- Irrational beliefs (very religious or superstitious)
- Child-like behavior
As Mae West once said:
Brains are an asset, if you hide them.
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
Absolutely.
This is truly the female honey that drives all the male working bees to jump over backward.
This is one of the main ingredients in the secret sauces of the best world seductresses.
Marylin Monroe looked exploitable, and the teasing seduction technique also leverages “child-like playfulness” (see: “how to seduce a man” for case studies).
And this is why “lollipop girls” are sexy: it’s not because men have an inherent child-molester within them, it’s because it sends signals of exploitability (exploitable like naive children are).
Risks of This Dating Strategy
To begin with, it works best with men pursuing a short-term strategy (Lewis et. al., 2012).
And while men like silly and exploitable girls for the short term, they don’t usually like them as long-term partners.
See the research ranking “exploitability signals” on both short and long-term dating:
Source: Goetz et. al, 2011 https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2011.12.004You will notice they are almost specular: as good as they are to get attention for casual sex, they make men run for the hills after sex.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
There are many ways to improve on this dating strategy while limiting its downsides.
Let’s see a few of them:
- Add the “protect me” layer
A woman can add to the “exploitable” signals the “protect me” side.
The “protect me” side is what makes men want to stick around and invest, and it’s very effective.
See a real-life example from the forums:
And I immediately wanted to meet her more, and care for her more.
Read more here:
This scene is an exaggerated example, of course, but just to give you an idea:
This strategy positions him as the father-figure of the relationship. Just don’t stay stuck in it 24/7: men also like a grown up sometimes
Asking men for help, for example, is a time-tested strategy that works to initially position her as “exploitable” while also awaking his protective instincts.
This is the secret sauce of Marylin Monroe: sky-high signals of exploitability together with sky-high signals of “protect me”.
- Bait (with exploitability signals) and switch to long-term
Another technique can be to bait men with exploitative cues and then seek to switch to a longer-term strategy.
Most baited men would be OK to wait for sex when they know she likes him and it will eventually get there.
Can’t Women Just Be Smart?
Men say they like intelligent women.
And they do… Up to a certain point.
They even say they like women who are smarter than they really are but, when it comes to real-life interaction, they don’t (Park et. al., 2015).
That means smarter women need to play the game a bit… Or look harder for a smarter man (or an open-minded one, at least).
Plenty of those exist, so don’t stress too much about it (also read: “submissive VS independent women“).
#7. Signal Your Approachability (IOIs)
For women to date at all, they need to attract suitors first.
Some men will make the move anyway, but those are often either players or men who can’t even read social signals.
Women who want more control over their dating lives -and you should be one of them- take it upon themselves to signal that they want to be approached.
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
For short term, absolutely.
In the literature, these are called “sexual signaling”, and the more forward she is, the more effective men rate her strategy to “get” casual sex:
Source: Greer & Buss, https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499409551752Of course, this research states the obvious to the point that it’s almost comical.
I suppose women won’t be surprised to know that “guiding his hand to her genital area” could promote a sexual encounter :).
Problem is, research also confirms what both men and women instinctively knew: that a sexually forward woman is extremely effective at getting casual sex, but not so good at getting a long-term partner.
Cari Goetz (Goetz et. al., 2011) for example measured how attractive “easy” women are to men. Turns out, men love easy women for short term sex (+0.65) but actively dislike them as long-term partners (-0.60).
Again, we see the inherent sexual conflict of male strategies here: what they seek in a short term partner is the opposite of what they want for a long term partner.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
Most men miss out on women’s signals.
For that reason, avoid anything too fancy and stick to the good old “hold eye contact with him” and potentially add a smile, both of them backed by research (Abbey, 1982).
Women could be well advised to “dial up” their approaches invitations.
It’s often maladaptive in a big city to be too afraid of “looking too obvious”. Chances are she is not going to see that man, or the people around her, ever again.
So when he’s not reading the more subtle signs, “too forward” beats “invisible”.
#8. Signal Your Kindness / Caring
People want to partner up with good people.
And men also gain if the mother of their children has good character, so it only makes sense if men also developed to appreciate cues of good character.
The character’s traits men appreciate are:
- Femininity (see “how to be femine“)
- Kindness
- Coyness
- Agreeableness
- Honesty (Paunonen, 2004)
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
Yes, for long term.
But also for short term, it can lower barriers to approaching.
It’s been now shown by several studies that personality traits can enhance a woman’s attractiveness (Albada et al., 2002).
The field of research even has its own name, and it is the “interaction appearance theory”.
Swami’s research, for example, found that providing positive personality information leads men to consider a wider array of body types as more attractive.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
Provide a good time, and people will want to spend more time with you.
Both romantically, and not.
Here are a few crucial bits:
- Move beyond extremist feminism (has an anti-male side to it and men are getting tired)
- Swap the “resting bitch face” for a welcoming one
- Curl your lips up, not down
- Make it less about me, more about you
- Listening more than talking often pays off
- Do a favor to him / preening
This one is particularly interesting.
A woman once reached out to my jacket and as I wondered “what the hell is she doing”, she picked something and said “there was a hair”.
That was such a great move.
At the same time that she signaled interest, she also signaled caring and kindness. And my attraction skyrocketed: I so wanted her.
#9. Derogate Your Competitors
Derogating means “devaluing” and “talking behind someone’s back to lower their reputation and sexual market value”.
Women, just like men and probably more than men, derogate their competitors.
Is This Dating Strategy Effective?
It’s risky because it’s very easy to come off as jealous or bitter.
Take the good old “she’s such a slut”.
I still remember the woman who used that tactic against the girl who later became my girlfriend. I took a huge dislike on her that lasts until this very day, more than 10 years later.
How to Effectively Use This Strategy:
David Buss says that effective competitor derogations should affect a woman’s sexual market value both for the short and long term.
For example, the popular “she’s such a slut” is effective in the long-term mating dimension, but men might still chase the girl for casual sex.
More effective derogation instead includes:
Her: She’s such a prude / frigid
Men don’t like women who are completely closed off to sex and sexual enjoyment, not even for the long term. And that’s what makes this one more effective.
Her: She’s such a tease
This one says that she’s a poor long term prospect because she flirts around, looking for validation and male attention.
But at the same time, it also lowers her value as short-term mate, because it implies she does not get down to it.
Overall, I would avoid derogation in any case.
But if you truly have to, do it properly.
Power University excerpt.
This article is an excerpt from Power University and the Dating Power Dynamics ebook.
The lesson in the course has more real-life examples and more practical recommendations.
