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Submissive Women VS Strong Women: Who Wins at Dating?

Lucio Buffalmano
August 7, 2018

Why do men like submissive women?

And is it even true that men like submissive women?

This article will answer those questions and give you advice on how to date effectively.

Submissive VS Strong Women: The Difference

First of all, let’s see what’s the difference.

Submissive Women Traits

Needless to say, there is no mathematical formula or an exact mix of ingredients that “certifies” submissiveness.

That being said, here are the relevant traits of submissive women:

  • Prioritize family and relationship
  • She defers to her man for decision-making
  • Is happy to take traditional roles at home (cleans, cooks, caretakes)
  • Has her girlfriends, but prefers going out with her man and family
  • Prefers to support her man than to maximize her own potential

Not all submissive women are feminine, of course.
But femininity comes more difficult to strong women and easier to submissive ones. So from now on, I will use “submissive woman” and “feminine woman” interchangeably.

Strong Women Traits

Strong women tend to be:

  • Independent
  • Working, possibly good income and career-focused
  • Goal-driven (as compared to relationships-driven)
  • In some important aspects, similar to men (ambition, drive, assertiveness, etc. etc.)

Strong women are comfortable with:

  • Speaking up
  • Traveling and going out alone
  • Disagreeing, challenging people on their opinions and decisions

Strong women tend to be more independent, at least in appearances. So from now on, I will be using interchangeably “strong women” and “independent women”.

Submissive & Strong: It’s a Continuum

Of course the two categories are a simplification.

Most women can be submissive or strong depending on the situation and, as well, depending on the man they are with.

And everyone sits on a continuum, not on polar opposites.
The majority of women cluster around the middle so they are either “slightly strong” or “slightly more submissive”.

However, don’t throw out the categories just yes. They are still helpful to understand the differences.

Should You Be More Submissive?

The tough question:

Should you be more submissive?
Or maybe more independent?

Let’s see what the literature says.

The women’s dating literature is heavily split among those who recommend you be an independent woman and those who recommend you to be more submissive (of course they’d never use the word “submissive” though!).

Both camps tend to be rather scornful of each other.
The proponents of the strong woman say that the submissive woman gets played and abandoned.
While the proponents of the more traditional role for women say the strong type is “lonely”.

Be Femine! No, Be Strong!

For example Act Like a Lady, the most popular dating book for women, is in the “be feminine” camp, and it has a chapter called:

Strong, Independent -And Lonely– Women

And Why Men Love Bitches, in the “be strong camp”, is subtitled as:

From Doormat to Dreamgirl

Where doormat is the girl who is “too nice” (and submissive).
Only a few of the best dating resources espouse a happy middle.

Women Recommend Independence, Men Submissiveness

Now here is the other twist:

It’s mostly men who advise to be more submissive.
And it’s mostly women who advice to be more independent.

What’s going on there?

In my opinion part of the reason is that women who write dating books have been burned themselves and have a grudge against men.
The same happens in the male’s camp of course, where men schooled in the “Red Pill“, share rather misogynist views and “strategies”.
And this is one of the reasons why I recommend you don’t take relationship advice from dating authors.

But the main reason, is a bit more perverse:

Why Some Women Trick Other Women

Women, just like men, seek to increase their sexual market value.

Don’t take that advice

One way to increase one’s sexual market value is to increase one’s own appeal.

The other one is, guess what? The manipulative way of increasing one’s own appeal is to lower the appeal of other women.

Women suggesting other women to be stronger and more independent are (subconsciously) trying to make other women less competitive and appealing.
And by decreasing the appeal of other women, they automatically increase their own sex appeal.

Does it seem too far-fetched?

Just ask yourself this: have you ever heard a woman telling another woman to be more feminine?
Exactly, me neither.
Albeit, as we shall see, being more feminine is obviously the most competitive position to adopt in the dating marketplace.

So yes, there is much manipulation going on with women telling other women to be strong and independent.

Manipulation: Techniques, Strategies, & Ethics

Why Most  Men Don’t Give Great Advice Either

So does that mean men are right telling women to be more feminine?

Well, partially.

But still, they’re not 100% right.

When men complain about women being too feminist, masculine, or independent, they are often complaining that women are too independent for them.
They take issue with not being able to control their women, but instead of looking in the mirror, they go for the good old finger-pointing.

And of course, men also have an obvious interest in making their dating options larger and more palatable.
By telling women to be more submissive, men seek to increase their own dating options (as well as dating pleasure, since submissive women make for better relationships).

Therefore, I would recommend you always keep that in mind when dating advice comes from women -with the unconscious agenda of making you less appealing- or from men -with the unconscious agenda of making dating easier for themselves-.

Yes, you got it, it’s just another form of cultural manipulation that serves to fight the infinite sexual war.

Sexual Conflict: How Men & Women Fight The Sex War

The Truth of Strong VS Submissive

I don’t think it’s easy or even fair to pick a “winner” between strong women and submissive women.

But if we strictly define “winner” as “having more options”, then it’s clear that submissive women have more dating options.

This is because women prefer relationships with men who are more dominant, and men prefer relationships with women who are more submissive (especially for long term).

Mathematically, then, submissive women naturally have more options.
You can see this in the picture below.

The submissive woman (pink-clad angel on the left) is only at odds with very few super-submissive men. And she can date almost any man (green arrow to her right).
The strong woman is at the opposite end of the spectrum though. The pool of men she’s interested -and who are interested in her- is much, much smaller (only a few of the most dominant men).

Submissive women have far more dating options

This has been proven and confirmed by many pieces of research:

However, there are a few caveats:

#1. Both Extremes Are Unattractive

In some areas, there cannot be “too much of a good thing”.

But for most things related to humans, there often is such a thing as “too much of a good thing:.

So it’s worth noting that whenever a woman goes too far in each direction, either too independent or too feminine, it’s usually unattractive.

In my opinion, one of the reasons Hillary Clinton lost is because, in an effort to look more dominant, she ended up forgetting to be a woman in far too many instances.

And at the other end of the spectrum, women who overplay the submissive hand, end up being annoying to men as well:

If he hasn’t had sex with her yet, he’ll immediately want to f*ck her. But later, it will become annoying.

#2. Men Tend to Prefer Similar Levels of Assertiveness

Men prefer women who are more submissive.

Yet, often, there is a tendency for people to cluster around similarities. And thus, men also tend to prefer women who are not too far off from their level of assertiveness.

#3. Both Types Can Be High-Quality Women

It’s not a question of quality.

Sure, if strong women lose in femininity, then they lose big.
But if they can manage to retain their femininity, then they can be very high quality (also see: how to be strong and feminine).

Feminine AND Powerful: 9 Tips For Women Bosses

And the same is true for submissive women.
You can have both high-quality submissive women and low quality ones.

What Should You Do

Does this make sense to you so far?

We covered quite a few topics and this was not the simplest of all articles.

Let’s focus now on the practical applications of this information.

How can you use this information to become an even higher quality gal?
I would say there are three major lessons learned here:

1. Stay Away From Stereotypes

First of all, drop all the stereotypes.

Most women railing against “too nice girls” and most men railing against “feminists” are screaming at stereotypes that rarely exist in the real world.

The vast, vast majority of independent women are no family destroying, man-hating lesbians.
And the vast, vast majority of traditional women are no pushovers who let men take advantage of them (on the contrary, men are often happy to provide for them).

2. Tweak Your Style, Don’t Change it

What you should do depends a lot on where you’re standing right now (and what kind of men you like).

Best of all, in my opinion is to embrace your natural disposition and tweak it if needed.

If you’re too submissive and your man is doing whatever he pleases without respecting you, then some assertiveness training can help.

And if you are too on the strong woman side, you might gain from becoming more feminine and more accommodating.
This is especially true at the far end of the strong spectrum where the attitude is that “I’m not gonna be nobody’s woman“.
That attitude shrinks the dating pool to a puddle.

Also read:

3. Don’t Get Into Controlling Races With Men

If you’re a strong woman, keep this in mind:

If you insist on dating on your terms, you will only end up with submissive men.
That’s OK if it’s OK for you.
But if you meet a man you like, you might want to consider not to get into a struggle for control against him.

This is especially important if you’re a gal who likes dominant men.

Indeed, the three top seducing strategies we reviewed, all use a hint of submissiveness.

3. Do Display Submissivenss to invite Approaches

Evolutionary psychologist David Buss says:

Signs of submissiveness and helplessness lower barriers to approaches. 
Acting submissive elicits approaches from more men, expands the pool of potential mates, creates greater opportunities for choice, and ultimately increases the quality of the mate obtained.

Yes, it’s not just a question of quantity.
Strategic submissiveness can actually increase the quality of mates.

Of course, that’s also more likely to attract men who feel like it’s going to be an easy lay, or that she is going to be easy to control and discard.
So you must be watchful when deploying that strategy.

4. Don’t Bash Or Convert: Adapt

Submissive women don’t mind independent women because they are not as competitive.

It’s from the strong women camp that the flak gets more intense.
Independent women  resent more feminine women. And they also resent men who prefer feminine women.
All that flak is mostly out of self-protection. But it’s an attitude that adds no value whatsoever to either you or the world.
It only poisons you and it looks spiteful.

If you’re more on the independent side, avoid calling submissive women “weak” or “pushovers”.
And see if you can learn a couple of things, instead.

Women Aren’t Going To Tell You!

Do you know the Bruce Lee quote:

“Be like water my friend”?

Well, women, on average, are very good at being like water and adapting to their environment.
Well, human beings on average are very good at adapting to the prevailing social customs.
However, women even more so.

What does that mean to us?

It means that most women in the west will say, and maybe even actually believe, that they are independent.
And most women in cultures that prize (or force) women into traditional roles, will say they are good, traditional housewives.

This means that you have to look at how they behave, not to what they say.

As a matter of fact, many women who flaunt their independence might as well as try to cover up their lack of confidence and independence, which is a phenomenon called reaction formation in psychology.


This was a bit of a complex topic.

Was it clear enough?

In summary:

  • Submissive women have more dating options (most men go for more submissive)
  • But some men prefer women closer to their dominance level (but not all)
  • Strong/submissive has little to do with overall woman’s quality
  • Discard most general dating advice of “being more independent” or “more submissive”

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Post Information
Title Submissive Women VS Strong Women: Who Wins at Dating?
Author Lucio Buffalmano
Date August 7, 2018 4:54 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Blog The Power Moves
Archive Link
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