~ archived since 2018 ~

Advice Roundup 1

Andrew
June 1, 2014
I spent the last month without a computer, so I am way behind on posting and e-mails. In an effort to get back on track with both simultaneously, and because I haven't posted any reader Q&A in a while, the following are 5 that I thought might be of general interest - either because they are unique, or recurring, or not covered elsewhere on the blog.

1 ----------------

Hi Andrew....

My ex broke up with me he claims its because I have tattoos and different kids father but he has tattoos and 2 different kids mom.

In the beginning of the dating I asked if he mind if I have tattoos and he replied,  "So do I, why would I mind?" Two months into the relationship he says that at the rate our relationship is moving he had to step back and think about every thing and me having tattoos and kids by different men (my ex husband and another guy) he could no longer be with me. He said he really enjoyed me and was having a blast but couldn't get past those two factors.

We became a couple fast. He said he had never ask a girl to be his girlfriend as fast as he asked me. Could the fact that it was going too good for him scared him away? I never pressed the issue of us being together... It was all him. Your thoughts please

Thank you,
Janette

Janette,

The tattoos and even your kids are excuses to avoid telling you what he really dislikes about you - which he might not actually know definitively for himself. But if things were really going as well as they were in the beginning, he would still be able to look past those things. He is losing interest, and now he is latching onto the obvious "problems" - as I said, either because he wants to avoid telling you the truth, or because he just has a gut feeling that something is wrong but he can't pinpoint what it is. The tattoos and kids from other men are just easy scapegoats.

Keep in mind that the beginning of any relationship is always colored in a man's mind by the prospect (and if you sleep with him, the actuality) of sex with a new woman. He was able to look past the things about you that he dislikes - not just the tattoos and children - because he was partially distracted by the novelty. Now that the novelty has started to dissipate, he is looking at you and the relationship more critically. In the future, you need to treat with a heavy dose of skepticism anything a man says to you during the first, say, three months of being together.

And come on, you know as well as I do that no guy (or girl) has ever genuinely been scared away by something being "too good."

Good luck,
Andrew

2 ----------------

Dear Andrew!

I have a friend who was interested and liked me and thought I am beautiful, however, did not tell me directly recently, so, I was not 100% sure, if he still has feelings for me. Important point: he has never been in a relationship (we both are pretty inexperienced due to cultural things, and priorities for studies, etc.)
Recently, he asked me for a favor, I helped, he responded "thank you, you're the best!)", then i joked, and then he: "not only, in general you're the best",

My intuition is telling me, that this reply is a typical "friend-zoning" answer, do you think so? I helped him twice, when he asked me, probably I shouldn't have done that. However, I never called first, tried to show limited interest towards him, only responded when asked, never stalked him on facebook, since I liked him. Now I learnt that bitter lesson, that I even shouldn't have helped him eagerly... since men need to be ignored totally to like you (sorry).

Thanks,
Zeneb

Zeneb,

"My intuition is telling me, that this reply is a typical ‘friend-zoning’ answer, do you think so?"
No, a guy could say that in an attempt to hint at the fact that he really likes you.

The interesting part of your question is the second part. You didn't make a mistake in helping him. A lot of girls mistakenly believe that they need to be cold and distant to attract a guy. But you don't need to be cold; you just need to maintain your personal boundaries. So, for example, if he'd asked you to help him at a time when you already had plans to do something else, it wouldn't be smart to change those plans just to spend time with him (i.e. a guy who hasn't proved his genuine interest in you yet). But if you were free to help, you definitely should have helped him. It's a perfectly natural thing to do, and it provides an opportunity to get to know you better and ask you out. If you are constantly avoiding those opportunities, he will get the impression that asking you out will surely end in rejection, and he won’t even try.

Good Luck,
Andrew

3 ----------------

Andrew,

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years. He's 29 years old, I am 25. We started dating when I was 17.

We fight a lot. However, we often speak about marriage and imagine a future together. He broke up with me a week ago and told me he can't trust me and can't be with someone who he will always doubt because of an incident that happened 6 years ago. I went to hang out with friends (guys and girls) from work and didn't want to answer his phone calls [mainly because] I felt like I couldn't do anything on my own. Even hang out with my friends because I felt like he was checking up on me.

I don't give him reasons to doubt me. Instead, he's the one who does that. For almost 2 years, he's been clubbing. When we first started dating, he NEVER did this and I don't know if that is the reason why he does this now. He goes out behind my back and I always find out because of Facebook or Instagram. He has girls who will leave comments on Facebook. I've seen pictures of him with girls (side hugging) and I get very jealous. I act like a crazy girlfriend. I feel the need to always be checking on things to find out what he's doing.

I know our relationship is not healthy and I'm sure you've read the "but I love him" sentence before. Yes, I know that is not enough BUT it's hard not to try and make things work after 7 years of a relationship. I don't know what to do. We were fine and suddenly he comes out with this. I'm heartbroken.

Thank you,
Cara

Cara,

There isn't an easy way to tell you this, but I am also sure that you know it already: your ex was just looking for an excuse to end the relationship. There are two ways I know this: first, the fact that he is citing an incident from years ago rather than something recent (i.e. relevant), but secondly - and this is the interesting part of your question - the clubbing.

Clubbing is inherently sexual in nature. Your ex might not be sleeping with the girls that he meets in clubs, but by indulging in the nightclub atmosphere, he is indulging in sex by proximity - he is getting "close" to sex. And of course it is possible that he is sleeping with the girls he meets; it might not just be proximate. Either way, his going to clubs is a clear sign that he doesn't feel sexually fulfilled in the relationship. That doesn't surprise me, because men crave sexual variety, and he's spent the vast majority of his 20s committed to you, while the social norm for a guy that age is to be having sex with lots of girls. He's probably been feeling that "deficit" for a while now - at least since he started going out, but probably before.

You are right that the relationship isn't healthy, and I understand that you feel like you are throwing away seven years by letting him go. But it should help to realize that the relationship has been dead for at least two of those years already. This will also help you to frame the situation (rightly) as letting go of something that's already dead, rather than (wrongly) thinking of it as holding on to something that still might have some life. It doesn't.

Good luck,
Andrew

4 ----------------

Hi Andrew

I am 27 years old. How can women best go about putting herself out there and go out to places like bars, cafes, events to potentially meet guys, when she has no single girl friends to be her wing women?
I have many friends, however, no single girlfriends. My girlfriends rarely go out these days, and when they do, they always have to go early like 8-9pm.

Kindest Regards.
Anne

Anne,

You aren't asking the right question. You shouldn't be asking how to meet guys on your own, you should be asking how to make more girl friends. If you were 40 and living in a small town, maybe I would understand, since a lot of the women your age would be married; but at 27, this really shouldn't be a problem.

Either your life situation isn't set up in such a way that allows you to meet other girls, or else you are closing yourself off to new female relationships. If the former, then move, or change jobs, or do whatever you need to change your life situation. If the latter, start making real efforts to open up to other women more. If a girl can't even relate to her own sex easily, she can't expect to be successful interacting with the opposite sex.

Incidentally, I think you'll find that as you make more girlfriends and expand your social circle, you will meet their guy acquaintances and might not even need the bar scene.

Good Luck,
Andrew

5 ----------------

Andrew,

I have a simple question and it is one you have not answered before on your blog. Why would a guy ask for your phone number and then not call?

Thanks,
Jamie

Jamie,

Men do this to prove to themselves that they can get your phone number. In other words, they do it out of pride. This might be a shitty thing to do, but recognize that it is ultimately rooted in insecurity or narcissism: either he has a low enough opinion of himself that he needs the reminder that girls like him, or else he is so obsessed with the fact that women like him, that he cannot resist reminding himself of it. Either way, you should be glad that the guy didn't call you.

On rare occasions, a guy might have recently met another girl that he likes more than you, and be focusing on her instead.

Hope that helps,
Andrew

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If you want to ask me for advice, please follow the guidelines here: How to Ask Me for Advice And if you liked this post, let me know in the comments; I have about 200 more e-mails I need to answer, so I should have plenty of material for additional posts like this one.

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