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Don't Fuck on The First Date

August 15, 2011
You'd think that this one would be obvious, as hackneyed as the admonition is, but I’ve actually had some girls be genuinely surprised that we didn’t end up in a relationship after having sex with me on the first date. This "rule" is also a good springboard for addressing the general topic of female promiscuity, which has a huge impact on female attractiveness - whether or not it "should."

This is how it works: a lot of guys are looking for someone to have a serious relationship with, but most of us have also dated girls that have ultimately turned out to be less than what we were looking for. After weeks or months of effort, the relationship ends and although both parties may walk away having learned a few lessons, the time is largely wasted. It takes dozens of these attempts to meet someone that sparks a deep and genuine interest. Given those odds, and the amount of investment required to decide if any given female could be a girlfriend, fiancor spouse, you can imagine the cynicism most men have going into a first date (I am continually surprised that I am not more cynical). If you couple this consideration with the intense pleasure of sexual intercourse, there is essentially zero chance that a man will refuse sex on a first date if he has the chance: sure, she could be “the one,” but statistically speaking, she probably won’t be, and it definitely isn’t worth turning down easy sex to find out.

Now, with that backdrop, when it comes to a potential spouse, guys don’t like the idea of a sexual relationship being “easy” any more than girls. We want to know that our date, or girlfriend, or spouse is a woman who is unobtainable to most if not all of the other men in her league. We don’t want to work for it per se, but we do want the kind of girl that guys of our caliber need to work for. We know that the best things in life never come easily, so if a girl let us fuck on the first date it shatters the perception that she is someone unobtainable to other men.

I completely understand and agree with the notion that women want sexual pleasure just as much as men, and I am aware that “giving it up” on the first date is not always giving it up so much as it is “getting it.” If that is your goal, then of course this is a different matter altogether and you are free to do that. But understand that it will not make you desirable to men. Men can do it and maintain (or sometimes increase) their attractiveness; women cannot. I acknowledge that this is holding women and men to a different standard, but in this case it is appropriate because men and women are different in this respect.

Men are built to be sexually promiscuous – or at least, we are built so that we can be sexually promiscuous. There is little risk for a man when it comes to sex: he doesn’t need to worry about pregnancy. Even if he is not using a condom, he can control when (and if not when, where) he ejaculates. As a last resort, he is able to walk away from the woman and leave her to deal with the pregnancy. This is a repulsive thing to do and no one denies this – probably not even the men who do it. But it can be done and it is done. Sexually transmitted diseases and infections have a significantly higher male-to-female transmission rate than they do from females to males, and the effects are worse for women than they are for men. There is also the factor of physical strength: if a woman goes to bed with a man she thinks she likes, she is far less able to then change her mind, for fear of rape. A man, on the other hand, has no such problems: sex for him is very low-risk. The result of this fact is that, historically, men have taken the offense in all matters sexual; we are the pursuers. Because we are more sexually liberated by nature, we seek sexual relationships more frequently. Historically the active role in relationships has fallen on our shoulders, while women have assumed the passive role. This is the case elsewhere in nature as well, for the same reasons.

It is only because Western culture in recent history has emphasized the equality of the sexes that some women see this dynamic in a negative light, and get upset about a double standard. The notion that a man should protect his wife and children, or that he should not abandon a woman he impregnates, or even that he should leave the toilet seat down when females are in the house; these notions are all rooted just as deeply in sexual differences, but because they don't place a burden on females, no objections are raised. Don’t get me wrong, if I were a woman I would be a little pissed off that sex was less socially acceptable for me than it is for a man. But there are balances to this phenomenon: women have far more opportunities to have sex than men, and thereby are able to have sex with higher quality partners. You won’t find many girls that have had sexual partners uglier than themselves, but you’ll find an endless list of guys that have – in fact, there is a contingent of men that usually only have sex with girls less attractive than themselves. This is a product of the same phenomenon: because men can have low-risk sex, women are far more in-demand for sexual relationships, and therefore have more and better options. Men may be able to get laid more often, or at least, with more partners; but women often get to sleep with men that are out of their league. It is a matter of quality versus quantity, and I think there is a lot to be said for both, to the point that I am not convinced that either one is an advantage – they are just corollaries of the same phenomenon.

A woman is judged negatively for having promiscuous sex because it takes no skill or effort on her part; all that is required is her assent. There will never be a deficit of sexually willing and attractive men from which she can select if she chooses. A man, on the other hand, has to work hard or be very lucky (or be rich, which is actually the product of the two) in order to get women of his own caliber into bed. This is because the women willing to have casual sex so are few(er) and far(ther) between. (Consider for a moment that no one respects a man who always sleeps with women that are way below his standards – everyone considers this repulsive.)

Some women will read all of this and think it is horrible and misogynist, while others will simply nod their heads in agreement. In fact, and perhaps unfortunately, which of those camps you fall into doesn't matter when it comes to the practical aspect of this phenomenon, because - opinions aside - the fact remains that men will judge you harshly for being too easy to sleep with. So the practical advice is simple: if you want a man to respect you, don't do it.

Related Posts
1. What Men Think About Your Sexual History
2. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him
3. How to Turn Down a Guy For Sex
4. Men and Sexual Variety

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