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How to Reject a Guy at a Bar - Part 2

November 14, 2012
[Continued from How to Reject a Guy at a Bar - Part 1]

The worst rejections men endure are the ones that are surrounded by rudeness. Men know that not all women will like them; this is expected. If it weren't, approaching girls would be easy. It is only because we know there is the possibility of rejection that most men get nervous and find approaching girls difficult. Being rejected rudely adds insult to injury. So if you are worried about rejecting a guy but preserving his ego, your two goals should be politeness and sincerity.

Most men know long before you say it explicitly that you are rejecting them. We may not be as intuitive as women, but we know attraction when we see it, and we recognize its absence with equal certainty. Your lack of enthusiasm in responding, the inattention of your eyes, your closed body language - all of these things convey the subconscious (and sometimes conscious) message that you don't particularly want to be interacting with us.

So in most cases, men know what's about to happen. What matters is that you show him that you don't think he is worthless just because you don't want to spend your night talking to him. Giving this impression depends on the tone of your voice, your body language and your facial expressions; but it will primarily be conveyed through your smile and your eyes:

  • Smile - If a smile doesn't come naturally, try to remember the fact that a man with enough balls to approach you essentially just told you that he thought you were beautiful (even if he just wanted sex, he still thinks this). Let this thought simmer in your mind for a moment before making your move to leave him. It should be enough fuel for a smile of gratitude, if nothing else.
  • Eyes - With your eyes, do not try to look apologetic or sad. This would be insincere. Instead, make sure to make eye contact with him. You shouldn't hold his eye contact in a lingering way, which would signal your desire to talk to him again; but neither should you let it be fleeting. Look him in the eye when you tell him that you are leaving. This is a sign of respect, which is something you should have for any well-intentioned man who makes an effort to meet you. Again, remember that he overcame his nerves, or at least was a confident enough person not to have them, and you will feel respect for him; then the eye contact will come naturally.

It is important to note that you do not need an interruption from a friend in order to make an exit. When girls "cockblock" for their friends it is crass and rude (if your friend does this against your will, you should still be able to smile and make eye contact as she drags you away). You don't need this. Instead, you can simply take the next natural lull in a conversation and say "Well, I am going to go find/talk to/dance with my friends. It was nice talking with you. Have a good night." Then walk away.

Do not say "I need to..." Instead say "I am going to..." By telling him what you are going to do, you remove any hint of an excuse from your language: you are telling him what you've decided, not blaming it on something else. Again, this is part of being sincere. It is a little more abrupt, but if it is said politely, with eye contact and a smile, it is better than lying to him about why you "can't" talk to him anymore. It will also save you from his wishful thinking that you would have stayed if you could have - which might result in him showing up again later.

If you struggle with the "walk away" part, it is probably because you don't have the appropriate momentum for your exit. It might seem harsh to walk off suddenly after standing there for a while talking to him. This is easily overcome. As you sense that you want to leave, start to collect your things, or get your money out to pay for your drink, or get down or up from your seat, etc. Do these things without stopping the conversation. He will see this and therefore be primed for your exit, which in turn will make it less awkward for you. It will also help you commit to leaving so that you don't falter and give in if he tries to convince you to stay.

As for men who are extremely rude or inappropriate in their approach, or guys that grope you: just walk away. You owe them nothing, least of all respect.

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