~ archived since 2018 ~

The Analogy Between Sex and Commitment

February 8, 2013
A recent post on Hooking Up Smart really grabbed my attention. The first item in the post 7 Reasons Why Women Reject Eager Men reads:

Women understand the male role as the gatekeeper of commitment, just as we [women] are the gatekeepers of sex. In the same way that a man may question the long-term potential of a woman who grabs his junk on the first date, women are wary of men who are “emotionally promiscuous.”

This idea is huge, and it has been on my mind since I read that post. I've practically been able to feel the gears in my head turning as I've considered the various implications, and recalled instance upon instance in which I've seen it demonstrated. It's been eye-opening just thinking about it. I thought I would share some of the ways I've recognized the concept at work in typical inter-sex dynamics:

  • Men are always trying (and failing) to elicit sex from women; women are always trying (and failing) to elicit commitment from men.
  • A man doesn't owe a woman his commitment any more than a woman owes a man her body.
  • Women complain about men being "afraid of commitment" when the men refuse to date them seriously, in the same way that men complain about women being "prudes" or "bitches" because they won't go home with them.
  • Ideally, in a long term relationship, a man freely gives his loyalty to his woman, and a woman freely gives her body to her man.
  • This blog and books like The Rules or Why Men Love Bitches - which all essentially try to help women attract and get commitment from men - are the perfect analogues to the thousands of blogs and books teaching men how to get laid.
  • Men and women are both disappointed by the opposite sex equally: women get dumped (or not called back) by men just as often as men go home from the bar or club empty-handed.
  • Men don't respect women who have sex too soon; women don't respect men who say "I love you" too soon.
  • While neither of these are something either sex looks for in the other, a man is unsurprised if a girl has given herself to many men emotionally in the past (i.e. committed to them), just like a woman is unsurprised if a man has fucked a lot of girls (i.e. given himself to them sexually).
  • Men like that a woman can easily attach to a man emotionally, just like women like that a man can easily attract women sexually.
  • Men get frustrated at women who deny them sex after dating for a long time in the same way that women get frustrated with a guy who won't say "I love you" after dating for a long time.
  • A man feels bad when his woman says "I love you" before he is ready to reciprocate the expression, in the same way that a woman feels bad telling a guy she isn't ready to sleep with him when he tries to have sex with her. 
  • Some women feel drawn towards a man when they learn that he has never been in love before, while some men have fantasies about taking a woman's virginity.
  • Women love to discuss relationships and each others' involvement in them (who has commitment from whom) with the same enthusiasm men have for discussing their sexual escapades.
  • Men usually escalate a relationship physically (towards sex) whereas women usually escalate a relationship emotionally (towards commitment).
  • Women take pride in being able to get a guy to want and commit to her (even if she isn't that into him) in the same way that men take pride in getting a girl to let him have sex with her (even if he isn't that into her).

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