I'll start by saying that this is a throwaway account. I don't even know if its a rant or support request, but I have nowhere to go because I don't believe in therapy, and TRP side of things is the only acceptable for me. Thank you for staying and reading.

Now, I'm in my mid-20's, and I've always had troubles with my mother. Her relationship with my father ended with a nasty divorce when I was 15. My father left our home so me and my mother could stay in our property.

My mother is not a bad person. But I think she is crazy or mentally unstable, while still maintaining high intellectual capabilities. There were many cases of physical abuse towards me when I was young, especially when I expressed disobedience. Abuse would follow my bad marks, missing swimming trainings, playing videogames, saying anything that she didn't like. Throughout all my life she would gaslight me, I'm not going to go into details - too many of them, but I can certainly say I was traumatized and beta cucked by her when I was younger. She wouldn't let me hang out with friends when I was 18+ and forced me to go home early. Needless to say, it was humiliating for me as my friends always thought I was a mommy's boy and a pussy. I was just truly afraid of her rage and anger.

She's the one who was giving me money for everything, not my father, because she kept the property. She paid for phones, clothes, education and many other things. That was always her main argument regarding her importance to me.

At 20 I was lucky to leave home and move to another region and visit home only a few times a year. It was a blessing. She paid for it, but I quickly started working and became self-sustained, apart from some minor things which she still has to pay for. I would say her expenses are around $200 monthly on me.

Now, my father was clearly beta cucked by her so he became an alcoholic and many bad things happened in his life. Unfortunately, he is not a good advice for me. In fact, I would never get a life advice from him. No male model after I was 13-15 years old. No wonder I stayed virgin till 22 years old.

At 22, after a nasty oneitis, I started digging the alpha traits (no TRP was present back then) and started rewiring myself. In my next ltr, I kept strong for long time, but then got betacucked again. I realized that I'm attracted to same narcissistic women like my mother. However, after this last LTR I realized that it has to stop, and this is when I discovered TRP. 6 months in, I can't recognize myself. I express my opinion, don't care what other people say about me, I gained a lot of confidence with women, I was lifting before but now got great results. Its almost like I uncovered all the traits that were hidden in me. I feel natural being assertive and confident. People respect me.

One thing didn't change, though - its my mother's attitude. I don't remember the last time I expressed my real feelings to her - they would always be met with fierce resistance. To her, I can't have my opinion. I can't choose where to work, what to do and where to go. She really liked my ex due to their narc behaviour - they used to double shit-test me when we were together. I was never considered a man.

Now, recently my father called my mom and said they he will go to the court and get his half of the property that they lived in. Holy shit... my mother got enraged and did everything to make me not side with him. Truth is, while I agree that he shouldn't have said that she should keep the property, he still deserved a part of it. He earned it. In result, after 10 years of renting he finally got 35% of the property's value from her, and she kept the place. After the court my mother insisted that I shouldn't be taking any money from him because he will later sue me and demand me to pay his pension (a solicitor told her that). What a load of bullshit. I don't believe he would ever do that. I actually never had a SINGLE argument with him.

Yet, as a matter of keeping her pleased, I said her that I will not accept money from him, which was a lie. He sends me occasional $100 a month for minor expenses before I get a strong job. Few days ago she asked me if he sends me money. I said yes. A nice phone call where I reported on my progress turned into a raging hell where she called me a traitor, shouted at me and hung up.

Usually, such cases would result in me calling her in a few days and apologizing and pleasing her, or her calling me and pretending that nothing happened, even after she gaslighted me. But now... Now I'm fucking sick of it. I'm fucking sick of pleasing her, sick of trying to find way to only say things that sound good to her. I recently changed my location against her will and jesus fuck... I got zero support from her side. Literally ANYTHING that I do as I wish, I get criticized by her. I'm fucking sick of talking to her. All I want is to just hang up the phone. I'm so fucking angry. I'm a grown-up, 6'2 hairy man, I don't let anyone speak to me like that. Yet she knows all my weak spots and it takes her 1-2 words to really hurt me. And worst thing is, she is my mother, she is not a stranger. And guess what happens if I try to tell her that? She will fucking enrage and blame me for everything, how I ruined her life.

I feel like all my problems came exactly from the dominance that she executed on me alll my life. In my new testosterone-fuelled RP reality there is absolutely no way I can let her behave with me like that. I don't want to speak to her, I am not going to call her, I am not going to apologize. Because it seems like every our phone call I have to apologize for something. I have to report on my fucking job search, and get criticized every time I say something that she doesn't like. I know very well that if I call her, she will demand apologies. Fuck you.

There is one memory that I kept throughout my life. I was about 5 years old, she was taking me on the night shift at her job. She was late. We were crossing the road, and I tripped over and dropped my toy. You know what she did? She looked at me and kept walking while I was laying on the ground. For some weird fucking reason, I remember it to this day like it was yesterday. Recently I met my old school friend whom I've known for almost 20 years now. You know what he asked me? He asked how was my relationship with my mother because he remembered that we had problems. Turns out everyone in my fucking school knew that I was beaten by her. I used to do swimming and I had massive bruises on my legs and body which were very visible because everyone is fucking naked in this fucking sports. Everyone fucking knew it!!!!

I can't stand this shit anymore. Whenever my mind tries to accommodate her feelings and tell me that I'm not right, I get flashbacks to these horrible moments when she was beating me. I remember how she kicked me out of the house. How I escaped home myself a few times only to come back and apologize. How, when I was 16, and had long hair (was a metalhead) she fucking grabbed my hair and cut it off with scissors becacuse I looked 'bad'. For every positive thing about her I get flashbacks to some horrible things I do not wish to anyone.

I consider myself really lucky for staying stable after all I've experienced. For being able to crawl through depression and stand up. I feel like standing up to my mom is the last step towards becoming a real man. Red Pill tells me that I must do it. I feel like the only thing I can do now is to go no contact with her.

I know this is not a self-help section and generally complainers are not welcome here, but I really wouldn't mind a manly advice on this situation. My father is a great bloke but not a male model. Thank you.