So a few of you have messaged asking for an update. I wasn't sure I was going to put one at first since the last thread was apparently so controversial, but I wanted to thank a few of you at the very least and give some closure to this.
I heard a lot of impassioned arguments on both sides of the spectrum, though at the end of the day I would like to especially thank the mod of this sub /u/eganist for their comment upon locking the last thread, especially when he/she said "if you're not feeling it, don't think you ever will, and realistically can't see a reason why you should change your mind and make it work out, walk away." Gave me a lot to think about, and boiled the whole thing down to the sum of its parts, so thank you.
With that said, I didn't think I could find a way to get over it. I was torn because I felt like I should talk to her about it, but I also didn't want to make a bigger mess, so I waited a bit. Eventually she could tell something was bothering me because I wasn't speaking much and I asked her to sit down at the table so we could talk. I told her about the other night, who we ran into, and what I found out. She didn't react much at first either way. I told her that I had no clue about this part of her, and now looking back I felt like she had been actively trying to hide it. She said she didn't think it mattered and never saw a reason to talk about it, but that she felt terrible about me having to deal with that when I was on a night out. I told her that to me it DID matter, or else I would never have asked and that I was beginning to think it was a big mistake just letting it go so easily.
At this point all of the feelings I had been building up kind of unloaded. I didn't yell or anything like that, but I told her that I feel like this has been building to a head for awhile now and that I already sat by more than I was comfortable with with the fact the she used to sleep with one of her friends (and before anyone jumps down my throat, if it was the other way around I'd totally understand her point and would act accordingly) and that he was still around. It bothered me, and if she hadn't noticed I hadn't exactly gone out of my way to be best buds with him. I don't treat him like an asshole or anything, just keep interaction with him to a minimum. But then I go out and find this out, and now it feels like I can't even go anywhere without some people silently snickering that they've been with my future-wife! To me it felt like I was being put into some kind of power play and had no defense against it, especially when I wasn't even aware of it in the first place... And that over the days I spent stewing on this I felt like my frustration had boiled over.
She teared up a bit and was apologetic, but she said that none of that matters. That we're a team now and that since me, it's just been us going forward and that's what it always will be. Which just pissed me off because it felt like she completely missed my point.
This part sucked, but I told her that I've done a lot of thinking and listened to a lot of perspectives on the matter and this was the kind of stuff that was giving me serious thought to if we were meant to be ready. She got very upset when I said that and basically asked if I was being fucking serious. I told her I'm dead serious, and she said that this is the stupidest reason she could think of. I told her "Ah okay, diminish my feelings on the entire matter then, that definitely changed my mind! All good now! So if I had a criminal history that I avoided telling you about and you found out similarly to how I did, you wouldn't be upset because it's no big deal, I don't steal anymore, that was in the past?" and she got even more angry but then really sad, which just made me feel like shit. She took off her engagement ring and slid it across the table to me and asked if I was happy now. I told her none of this makes me happy, neither the shitty conversation we were having or the thought of me building resentment over the years because of one sticking point.
Ultimately I told her that I want an indefinite, and that we definitely need to table the engagement for now. She was unhappy and pleaded with me to really consider what I was doing here and to not act hastily and I told her I've been thinking about this for days and that I apologized for springing it on her so quickly like this, but I had to hold firm on this decision. I talked to my best friend afterward and went over to his place and he was super supportive. I asked him for his blunt honesty, and that it would forever stay between us and that I wanted his 100% honest-to-god opinion. He was hesitant at first but told me he supported my decision 1000% and if it was him, he would hope he would have had the strength to do the same thing. But he was never going to say anything because it's my life and (was) my fiance, so whatever made me happy was cool with him. But for him personally, it would have been a dealbreaker. I felt 100x better after that, and we ended up having a fun evening.
I don't feel fantastic now, but I don't feel as shitty as I thought I was going to. The break has only just started but I'm about 100% sure it's going to end between us. I'm giving her time to process this and mentally prepare for it like I had and then we'll reconvene. I hate being an Indian giver with the engagement ring, but I also remember that it was given originally under false pretenses so whatever. That's where things are now.
TL;DR Talked to fiance. Predictably didn't go well
Special note to ArkTRP. Have never heard of you guys, and honestly a few of you were a little too gung ho with assumptions that weren't correct, but some of the best discourse and well rationalized arguments came from many members of this community. You were invaluable in my time of need and I really appreciate it. You all also weren't afraid to be as blunt as possible. The little voice in the back of my head was being soft spoken, and you all were like the much needed Megaphone to get it to speak the fuck up. I wish you all the best!