I am going to take quite some time to write all of this. I know this is for me but you guys have helped me through a lot in the past, so it is with great hope that you may read this and give me the feedback and direction that I desperately need. I have been following the RedPill now for three to four years since I read the Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, however, I don’t consider myself Alpha Male or RedPill and it needs to change as that is where I need to be. I need to take action as it is now becoming long overdue. Although I have improved a lot in my life, there are things that just need to be nailed on the head once and for all. My idea of this post is to give you an honest, brutal and transparent idea of how my life currently sits so that then you can help me pinpoint areas to improve, remove, replace and grow in.

A bit about me (background):

My background is quite privileged from what I read in comparison to most people on this forum. I say this all humbly as we all come from different areas and classes, but my father worked for a large multinational company and was very senior within that organization. I went to a private school in Europe and had an amazing education surrounded by great friends. I was the jock in High School, varsity boys football (captain) and the kid that was loud and verbally bullied other people (never physically) for whatever reason I did it for (looking back at it – it was probably for reassurance in myself). However, there was a side of me that cared for people as well and wanted to help people, I never put myself first which has been my problem for a while. I never studied in classes but am somewhat naturally smart to have always passed courses and this allowed me never to have failed a course. I am the youngest child in my family with a brother and sister and when my father cheated on my mother I became extremely close to her I guess helping her through that and then I was somewhat babied by her. As I write this I realize how depressing this all may sound.

When I left High School to go to America on a soccer scholarship, I was shortly after somewhat depressed. I had broken up with my High School girlfriend and just missed home and the feeling of being that big shot on campus. Not studying for tests didn’t get me by anymore. I went to a tough University, had a horrible first semester which made me ineligible for soccer losing my scholarship but quickly bounced back the semester after getting my grades up to A’s whilst continuing to train with the University team. This didn’t matter as soon after I was released by the coach due to my skinny size. I banged a lot of girls on campus, easily, I was that good looking British guy to them. My number of girls I banged when I left High School was one… six months later it was plus twenty. I always felt empty throughout my University part of my life. As I write this now I have lost count of the number of girls I have banged.

After my undergrad, I came home and coached the high school girls’ soccer team and met the girl who probably fucked me up beyond repair. Yes, I was her coach, she was younger, we got together, dated, fucked, spent hours together, talked every day, kept it a secret for six months then became public and as she lived down the road we would run to each other all the time to meet up. Here is where it gets interesting – as she then started college and moved to America, I decided to get a scholarship for my masters and moved an hour away from her in the States. This lasted six months before she started slapping me, calling me a retard, idiot, ignoring me, and as I drove two hours to see her on the weekends I slowly started losing myself into a deep depression. I felt depressed for a long time, contemplated suicide, lost weight, couldn’t sleep, was put on sleeping pills and anti-depressants from a therapist. I simply had no drive to do anything. I still think of this girl every day although it has now been two years since we have spoken. To this day - I wonder if I should contact her and reach out (I obviously have not).

After her when I recovered and was on the mend, I had the best season in soccer at my Masters Uni in my life and banged models for fun in college. I then graduated my masters whilst banging this track girl who ended up cheating on me with a baseball guy and gave me chlamydia and ironically enough her and I spoke for the first time last week since then. Now I reside in the UK working for a good scale-up company and am performing well in it. I feel like this gives a good understanding of who I am/where I am now and if there are any other things you want to know about me please ask.

Current State:

Girls: Right now, nonexistent. I miss the American look, the American style, I am not attracted AT ALL to the U.K girls and recently ended it with a girl from Oxford University I was seeing because it was just too easy although she was hot. This has been consistent for the last 6-9 months. I swipe right on bumble and tinder, meet a girl that I find attractive (above a 7 as I have high standards), we go on dates and I pay for nice places to eat, I fuck them, they fall for me, I end it. I feel like I won’t ever feel that fairy tale feeling of what I felt with my ex again.

The worst part of it all is; every day I talk to this girl who lives in America who somewhat reminds me of ex and gives me this fairy tale feeling. She was in a soccer video on Instagram and she was beautiful, so I messaged her, we ended up videoing and we talk every day for now what is a year. I can’t help but feel she is everything I want in a woman and if we were in the same location we would be together, and I would not be posting today. We say we are ‘dating’, and one day I will move there. Although I know the laughs people will make when reading this, I genuinely somehow care for this girl I have never met. I fall asleep to her on facetime and we chat every day. She is extremely beautiful, and I know she is going to be a gem which in a fucked up way means I do not want to let her go.

Work: I work in Sales, I have targets to hit, I am fucking exhausted and the job is repetitive every day and week. Same sales every week just different people. If there is a month where I am short of my target it is hell. If I am hitting my target life is good. I was in recruiting before that and I quit within 2 months, so the fact I have managed to stay in this job for 6+ months with my probation coming up next week is good for me.

Passions: I love soccer. Although I am now 26 years old, my dream of being a pro soccer player is now over. Although I currently play semi-pro and train twice a week with matches on the weekend, I get paid 50 pounds a game but feel empty. The limelight of when I was in America and when there were 5,000+ people watching, girls screaming your name and the highlights being on the internet after isn’t here and means it will never be the same. Although the level here is maybe better, I deep down fucking hate it. I love the team and I am an integral part of the team as vice-captain, but it sucks. I travel around London playing teams who I have never heard of and there are around 80-100 people who watch our game who are all old men. After every game, I ache, it is so physical that my body is in pieces as I play a very different style to them and get constantly kicked. As I write this, I have an ice pack on my back as someone elbowed me on my spine.

Money: I am on 30,000 British pounds a year, I make 2,100 on average a month. I pay rent of 850 pounds for a penthouse I share with my friend, bills are around 100 a month and council tax of around 50. I don’t go out much at all and party as it is so expensive here. I put around 300 pounds each month into cryptocurrency or investments, whilst I bet on soccer games with around 200 pounds of it. I realize maybe I am addicted to gambling in a SLIGHT way, but I have no money problems. I have 1,100 in my bank and 3,000 in cryptocurrency. Maybe I like the high and risk of making money. I want a quick out to be rich I guess to quit my job.

Sleep: I don’t sleep well, I monitor my sleep every night with this sort of Fitbit thing and my sleep is always light. I take these pills called Kalmz to help me sleep along with Magnesium each night before bed. On work days I sleep little, and most of all, every Sunday I struggle to sleep and feel like I enter a mini-depression where I get up YouTube videos up of a character in my favorite TV series and try and relate myself to him listening to the music and words being said.

Mission: I would love to somehow turn back the clock and be that big shot again. It’s pathetic. So, with that being impossible. I would love to coach a soccer team, College, University in America. I know the game inside out, but I have no qualifications or badges to be eligible and apply to be it. Additionally, with the whole needing a VISA thing to go over there in the first place – it dampens my efforts and motivation to do so. Obviously I want to go back to America and I realize I have no mission in mind right now of what I want to do.

Social Media: I am on social media quite a bit. It is fucked up as I have never admitted this out loud. But my two go to social media are Instagram and Snapchat. As you can imagine, being a good looking British guy in America did me quite well and posting the soccer pics and all that made getting girls a piece of cake. Snapchat for obvious reasons was a way to take pictures and see more of these girls. As I have left University and now work, I am in this fucked up cycle of swiping girls on Tinder and Bumble and the moment I match with them asking them for their Snapchat to then try and get naked pictures and jack off to them. Even girls in my old college I message on a daily basis to try and see pictures. It’s as if I have a sick addiction or something towards it and it somehow gives me a short buzz of feeling better or attention. I am aware but don’t know why I do it or haven’t stopped it.

Cooking/Eating: I want to learn how to Cook and eat healthier. Each Lunch at work I buy food to eat and each morning on the weekends I eat out and probably also eat out for dinner. I just don’t know how to start to learn how to cook, or which is the best way to start this as well. Tips here would be appreciated.

Being Sick: Maybe it is because I moved to London which is congest and over populated, but I have never been this sick before in my life. I can’t help but feel like it is because I wake up at 7:30 in the morning, go to work and work a stressful job and then go to soccer practice straight from work which means I get home at 11:00pm sometimes. I have a sniffy nose and sometimes my throat hurts. I take vitamins, but they don’t seem to do anything.

Ideas and ways to improve myself consist of:
- Meditation: I use to meditate with the app called Headspace but slowly drifted away from it. I felt like I could not sit still for too long. - Self-Authoring: I purchased Jordan Peterson’s self-Authoring Present, Past and Future which I will do soon and maybe that will help me correct some of my bad habits along with you. - Books: I just purchased six books. 1. The way of the superior Man – David Deida. 2) Letting Go – The Pathway of Surrender. 3) Jordan B. Peterson – 12 Rules for life. 3. Deep work. 4) Why do we sleep? 5). Thinking fast and Slow. 6. Book of Pook.

Lonely: All-in-all, I feel lonely and sick of the same repetitive cycle. I cut out video games in the past and sold my x-box but my flat mate who has a PS4 and leaves it in the living room means that I now play Fortnite to pass the time. I feel like I am on a bad path and hoping to nip this in the bud with your guys in-put and hopefully in six months’ time feel better, look better and have some purpose in my life. If you guys can give me a blue-print/roadmap. I will really make sure I follow it and put it to action. I know it will be hard and somethings I will not like but I know you guys see this in an unbiased view.

I just want to be happy(ier).