[29/m] i found out my gf [24/f] of 5 years is cheating on me, she doesn't know that I know (x-post relationship advice)

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June 8, 2014
71 upvotes

I've been a lurker her for a while, but obviously i failed somewhere...

The evidence is irrefutable. She's cheated multiple times and is continuing to do so. She's using me right now until she can disappear one day and move out because she has nowhere else to go. I found out a few days ago and haven't said anything, i've just been hiding that I know it, i want to throw up every time i look at her, it's all catching up with me. We moved a year ago across country for my job when they relocated me to another office. She has noone out here. She lives with me in our (technically mine, i pay all the bills) apartment.

Our relationship has been a little bit stale lately, I've been working crazy hours and she picked up second jobs about 3 months ago and we just don't have the time to do anything. Still if our relationship was stale she should have said something, and not acted so dishonestly. She has no interest in fixing things is what I know. I'm sure that will be different when I confront her and make her get out on my terms instead of letting her continue to use me.

She has to go, I will not deal with a cheater. I've made up my mind, even at "best" if she turns around I'll never trust her again and just drive her away even if I did try and work it out. So i'm not going to delay the inevitable. I'm completely shocked, she's such a "good girl"... I never in a million years would have pegged her for a cheater... I still can't believe it... I've done recon and seen the evidence for myself. Now i'm just disgusted when i think of her. At this point i'm so enraged at her, I loved her and thought she loved me, wanted to get married, blah blah, but she can't stay... but as i sit here in our home while she's at work, sitting with her dog that i view as ours, all I can think about is the dog.

She won't be able to afford to take care of herself let alone the dog. I'm not sure where she's going to go since she has no family, they're on the other side of the country. I don't know what she's going to do with her things, but she can't stay. I feel bad for the dog because it did nothing wrong, but i know she's going to want to take it. And unless her new fuck buddy lets her move in, she's living out of her car and I'm stuck with enough of her possessions to fill a small box truck... I still love her, but she can't stay, but i feel bad kicking her on the streets too. I'm livid, feel nasueas, angry, depressed, etc, etc... I want to keep the dog, I know i'll be able to care for it better, but at the same time it's hers, and if i do keep it, it will just remind me of her.

So how the fuck do i let her know that I know? Part of me wants to cause her some of the pain she's causing me, the rest (majority) of me just wants to be a grown ass adult, confront her, cut her loose, move on, and not play any childish games. What do I do with all of this... I'm really quite a mess right now.

Update 1: I spoke with her last night, confronted her, we spoke for about 2 hours, no yelling or raise voices, i called her a slut and skank a few times though, I was calm and rational as could be but let my emotions get the better of me in those instances. I had to find out WHY and I have some answers and some closure, I got some, but i still feel like shit, but it will be a long road and I have been up all night. But what is necessary is done, there is no fixing this. I gave her until morning to get out, I woke her up at 5:30am and said you need to leave now and let her pack an overnight bag. Where she goes now isn't my problem... she can go stay at her fuck buddy's place. I'm keeping the dog until she gets her shit together and figures out what she's doing and she can pick it up with her things. The dog has a serious medical condition and i've been paying for it's treatment, i've paid for it's food, for the vette bills, for it's toys,pee pads, everything. I clean up after it far more than she does. It's as much mine as it is hers and i view it as more than mine than hers... but legally hers....

As for how i found out? I've had sneaking suspicions, it's been going on for a couple months. Secretive about her texts, especially at all hours of the night, so i snooped on her computer and found the evidence, if some people downvote me for that, fuck you because otherwise she would have gone on using me for who knows how long.


Post Information
Title [29/m] i found out my gf [24/f] of 5 years is cheating on me, she doesn't know that I know (x-post relationship advice)
Author abortionist_supreme
Upvotes 71
Comments 20
Date 08 June 2014 11:47 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/13
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/27nlmv/29m_i_found_out_my_gf_24f_of_5_years_is_cheating/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 104 points105 points  (2 children) | Copy

Put her stuff in boxes. Hand them to her. Tell her that you know and that she's not living there anymore. Do not contact her after that and don't respond to her attempts to contact you.

[–]AlmostRP22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy

It sucks, but this is all you can do

[–]l0ng_time_lurker0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She will try to deny it. In her mind, if you can´t know, it has not happened and you have no right to be upset about it. Be firm and professional, tell her: "It does not matter what you think or feel right now, my decisions is based on facts." edit: did not see OPs update.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (3 children) | Copy

Kick her the fuck out, if she can't take care of herself without you, she shouldn't have cheated. She's gonna fight to stay, you just gotta hold frame and show her out. Just accept that you were on the wrong side of afbb and get over her

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

amazingly she didn't fight to stay... i asked her what would she do if the situation was reversed and she said exactly what I'm doing...

[–]theozoph11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Expect her to try to find her way back into your bed.

If you decide to let her, make it clear she isn't to expect anything more from you than sex, and use her as a plate. Under no circumstance allow her to reclaim gf status.

The dog situation is fucked up, so if you want it, tell her to begin making it up to you by giving up ownership of it.

Stay strong.

[–]unethical_pirate17 points18 points  (4 children) | Copy

Pack up her shit up while she's out the house. Calmly explain the situation when she gets back, don't get drawn into her emotions and ask her to leave. Don't raise your voice, hold frame. I doubt you will do this 100% but its the only thing you can do and retain some pride man. Don't offer her shit , no nights in a hotel or anything like that. It's your house she broke the contract, kick her to the pavement. I like animals but forget about the dog man it's hers.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree, pack her stuff for her. It's classy, it will help you move on, and it will expedite the leaving. If she's not gone in a month, pay the first and last on a storage unit, put her stuff in it, give her the key, and wish her a nice life.

She's got a pussy, she'll be fine. Decent looking women who are not drug addicts are never truly homeless.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

i offered her to spend the night here... woke her up at 5:30 and said you're leaving now... details in OP... Held frame for the most part.

[–]unethical_pirate11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well done man, was the gentlemanly thing to do I guess. If you ever talk to her again I'll kick you in the nuts.

[–]Draftier2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Me too.

[–]-Tyler_Durden- 33 points33 points [recovered] | Copy

She won't be able to afford to take care of herself let alone the dog. I'm not sure where she's going to go since she has no family, they're on the other side of the country.

This is not your problem.

Do not show anger.

If you have any joint accounts or commingled funds move them asap.

If she's not on the lease, pack up all of her stuff in boxes then rent a storage unit call a couple of friends to put all of her shit in the unit. Pay for a month for the unit and give her the key and tell her to never contact you ever again.

If she's on the lease you may need to see a lawyer; depending upon the state you live in you may need to see a lawyer anyway due to common-law marriage laws. Do not let her know anything until you are ready to act.

Keep the dog and get tested for STDs.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

I am always amazed that common law marriages still exist (I live in Colorado), you can still get fucked even if you never ceremonially marry.

[–]whatsazipper0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It looks like cohabitation is necessary but not sufficient for a common law marriage in Colorado.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

no joint accounts, she is not on lease, nor any bills. Updated some details in OP.

Other than calling her a slut/skank a few times i showed no anger, mostly calm disassociation, i'm still numb and in shock...

I'm giving her a month to get her shit, but told her not to contact me until she's figured out where she's moving and when shes's going. I let her take an overnight bag.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy

At this point, why do you care about what she thinks?

I can't imagine she was paying much attention to your thoughts and feelings while she was fucking someone else.

She deserves exactly what she gave you. Break up, walk away, and never look back.

Don't worry about "getting back at her" or somehow evening the score. That's petty revenge shit, and does not advance you in any way.

Move on, and live a good life. That's the best revenge.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

exactly this.

[–]elysius9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

Just to reiterate: what -Tyler_Durden- said.

Don't just box her stuff and leave it out on the street. She's gonna be hella mad and this might give her the ammunition to trash your property, or at least make a huge mess, which is gonna end up being your problem.

Before even packing her stuff, change your locks. Wait for her to leave for work then call a locksmith, pack her stuff while he does his business. Then drive them to a location where they won't be your problem anymore, a storage locker being the ideal.

Also, it might be a good idea to not have sex with her for a few days prior to that, particularly rough sex. She might go to the police and claim you raped/abused her.

Be strong, she's not worth it being upset over. And make sure to come back!

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

we haven't had regular sex in months since she picked up job #2... should have been red flag #1. no issues there :(

[–]NrwhlBcnSmrt-ttck2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy



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