High school was an okay experience, I had a small group of friends on the cross country team, however I never really felt that close to them and always felt like I was never really part of the group. I never went to ANY of the school dances at all. I simply had no prospects. I did try to approach some girls in class and outside of school but I was always shot down. I never was overtly bullied, but I did put up with some pretty significant disrespect from my peers. Once time a “friend of mine” said that I was ugly infront of a group of girls that we were at a coffee shop at. I did not do anything about it. Those group of friends then told me I needed to drive our other friend home which was way out of my way and I did it anyway. I look back at this and Cringe.

There was a time as well when I was in a computer typing class in high school and I got into a confrontation with another guy. He said that I was the ugliest kid in the school. It escalated into him challenging me to a fight and I regretfully backed down like a pussy. I believed that “violence was bad” when in reality, violence is what solves problems and keeps people in line. A girl that I tried to ask out witnessed this and now I know why I was turned down. YOUNG WOMEN, IN HIGH SCHOOL ESPECIALLY, WANT A GUY WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO BE THREATENING AND USE VIOLENCE.

Another embarrassing event was during track, the whole team always did a warm up run around the track, guys and girls together. A fellow teammate completety pulled my pants down infront of the whole team. I am not hung very well (I was always worried about my size as society basically says it’s the most important part about a man, I eventualy grew to dead average size thank the lord) and I am sure I looked really small. At the time I laughed about because I really didn’t give a shit but as time has moved on, I should’ve threatened to bash his fucking skull in.

At the end of highschool, I started feeling the signs of depression and my self esteem was basically declining. I had a dream of joining the airforce to become a fighter pilot or being a doctor or lawyer. I was sure that I was going to be a doctor or a fighter pilot. At this time I thought that I was still able to accomplish either one of these.

Went to college at a state university (a known party school) at 19.

I realize what a mistake it was to go to a school like this, where the only thing that is important is drinking and acting like a fucking moron. However, I did have some good times at this school and it wasn’t ALL bad. I started off in the dorms and I knew that I was going to major in engineering, as I can always become a laywer, or doctor after getting an engineering degree or just do a bachelors and get a job after that. I met some cool people on my floor. It was fun. I did go to some parties during my time at that school. It was during some of these parties that I realized that I was behind the curve when it came to sexual experiences. The scenario always looks like this, group of guys or guys and girls are ina circle doing a drinking game or outside smoking cigarattes. The subject of virginity WOULD ALWAYS come up during drinking games especially. The first few times it happened I was honest and did say that I never had sex. I could always tell and see the fucking resentment and judgment in the people eyes and faces around when I would reveal such information. Another classic scenario is during “locker room” talk with some friends and talking about stories of having sex in closets or cars or things of that nature. I always never had any cool stories to tell so I would either just smile or I would flat out leave the situation before anyone can tell that I have nothing to tell. After enough times, this became a source of anxiety and self hatred. It began to naw at me throughout the day. This is during freshman and sophomore years. There was one friend who, during one of these drinking games, laughed at my face. He was a nerdy short fat kid so I have no idea how he had the balls to do that to me. I should have fought him.

So now, at this time I am now 21 or 22 and am a junior at college. I am living off campus with a group of guys that I met. These roommates were super nerdy, smoked a metric ton of pot a day and played video games all day. They made no attempt to improve themselves at all really, but I needed a place to live and all the other people on my floor created alliances, if you will, with each other and excluded me, from what I can tell. I did enjoy living with these roommates as they were good people at heart and were fun for the most part. It is also during this time that I started wondering what was wrong with me in that I never had any luck with girls at all. I did try approaching girls around campus and I would have conversations and phone numbers but they always would never respond.

I then started to believe that I was ugly, thanks to my failure with girls and the fact that the kid in highschool said I was the ugliest kid in the school. I became obsessed with being as muscular as possible and as lean as possible. I started spending upwards of 3 hours in the gym a day doing endless amounts of weights and cardio. I started to look good. I was never fat in college, but I was not really ripped either.

I started noticing more attention and some interest from girls. I immediately associated increased muscularity with better response from women. How could I ignore that trend that was so obviously true?

At this time I also found “the Manosphere” which consists of “theredpill” and other type communities of men with similar stories to mine. I begain to digest the information on theredpill on reddit and could not believe the lies that had been sold to me my entire life. I started to implement the strategies which includeded, “fake it till you make it” confidence, and push pull techniques in which you would act aloof and that you don’t give a shit about the girl you are interacting with. I always knew the society looks down upon and shuns virgin or inexperience men, but theredpill taught me that women actively despise these men and that you never EVER reveal any type of inexperience, yet alone virginity.

I had my first sexual encounter at 22 I believe with a girl from one of my engineering classes. She was below average in looks and I almost feel bad about doing this, but I was so depressed with where I was that I felt like I just needed to get sex over with so that I knew what it was like so I decided to try to have sex. I was not attracted to her really and obviously it did not go well, I could not get hard at all. I got concerned about my performance.

It was sometime after that that I was in a class, I forget which one it was, where a girl in the class found me on facebook and introduced herself to me. I recognized her and I went to talk to her in class and she was so nervous that she ran away from me. Lol. Long story short I thought she was cute and we went on an ice cream date. I remember walking into the ice cream parlor with her and saw a large group of girls at a table. Now I want to preface this by saying that I never have gotten attention from women really other than the girl on facebook. But when I walked with with this girl from my class, I looked over and noticed ALL of the girls were looking at me. I looked away so I could place our orders. I looked back over and saw that they were STILL looking at me, staring at me. I thought to myself “why are they looking at me like that?” It was then that I realized the phenomenon known as “preselection” was happening before my eyes. The fact that I was ALREADY WITH a somewhat attractive girl, meant that I was more attractive to them since another girl found me attractive enough to go an a date with. I realized that women only want and are attracted to guys that other girls like.

She came back to my place and this girl was all about me. We had a lot of fun, but long story short she was begging me to have sex with her and I could not get hard. She bent over in front of me and was telling me to do it and I was as soft as a wet noodle. It was a TERRIBLE feeling. I did not know what to do. I just looked at her and said “I cant, im not sure whats going on” I got incredibly anxious. She was understanding. The next day I immediately booked multiple doctors appointments to figure out what was wrong. I felt defective, I felt like a complete loser, as if my self esteem was not shit already. The doctors told me that there was nothing wrong and that it was all in my head. A urologist I saw said that I needed therapy if anything. He did give me Cialis and a script for Viagra. I went to the pharmacy to fill it and it was incredibly expensive. I had no money to pay for it. I had to call my mom and tell her I needed money for the prescription and that was the most embarrassing thing I have ever had to do, let alone having the YOUNG FEMALE pharmacist explaining the drug too me and how to take. OMFG.

I was also placed on a few different antidepressants. I also learned about testosterone and its sole in the human body. I had multiple testosterone tests which indicated normal total levels, but almost abnormaly low free testosterone levels (which is where the rubber hits the pavement)

She would come over a few more times, and I received oral from her and I was able to do that while being on Viagra. Even with Viagra I was not able to maintain enough to put on a condom and have sex. Eventually the problem created a wedge between us and we stopped seeing each other.

At this point I became depressed. I began to doubt everything about myself. I then dropped out of engineering and I also never ended up enrolling in ROTC because I read that you had to pass very hard tests to be an engineer/doctor/fighter pilot and I believed that I did not have what it took to accomplish those things. So instead I switched to business finance. I regret this horribly.

By senior year I had an internship as a campus representative for a non profit in which I was tasked with enrolling people into the student club and hosting events and activities. I was horribly depressed at this point. I also noticed my quality of sleep declined DRASTICALLY. I was waking up 3 to 5 times a night and feeling absolutely terrible throughout the day. I began using insomnia medication which I still take today. Another thing that happened was I was at the gym and I walked into the locker room and I overheard one of my friends talking about me with a few of the guys from my floor and he said “Yeah Cobalt1728 basically doesn’t have any friends or anyone that likes him.”

I never confronted him about this.

I then hit rock bottom when I got another girl in bed and I failed gain and she looked down and asked “why are we not having sex?” I had nothing to say and I just sighed and we went to sleep. I then was tasked with recruiting students to go to Olympia to watch the legislature make a law. I had a few people going but nowhere near as many people as I wanted. The day of, every single person bailed out and I had to tell my boss that I had no one coming with me. She expressed great disappointment with me. I asked if I should even bother coming and she still wanted me to attened so I drove across all of Washington by myself to go to this event with no guests. It was at this point that I decided that I did not want to live any more. I called my mom crying so hard while driving. She picked up and I told her that I wanted to die. She started sobbing and was saying that she was scared and I told her I was gonna do it as soon as I found a way to do it. I began to actually make plans, like take an entire bottle of Benadryl and then use a garden house to funnel exhaust gases from my car into the cabin and fall asleep with the engine running.

My sleep continued to get worse and my self esteem was non existant.

I eventually graduated and moved to a big city with my dad while I looked for a job. I landed a job at a bank in retail sales.

About a year into the job I meet this other girl from a different branch, we hit it off pretty quickly. I thought she was incredibly attractive. The 2nd or 3rd time hanging out she invited me over to her house which was on lake Washington, she rented a room with a few friends. We were drinking and made some food. She sat on my lap by the fire and that was nice. Eventually we got to the bedroom and all I could think about was if I was going to be able to perform. I was using Cialis. We were doing forplay for a while and eventually I was on top of her and she was on her back and I didn’t know what to do because I wasn’t ready. She says “are you nervous around me” (she could tell because I believe I was visibly shaking) and I said “no of course not.” We went to sleep.

I would meet up with her a few more times and eventually I was able to get aroused enough to perform but I would either lose it when It was time to put it in, or I would cum from petting and foreplay. She at one point got up and yelled “I DON’T GET IT!!! WHY CANT YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME” I felt terrible. At this point I decided that It was appropriate to tell her I was nervous and have problems with this. She then asked if I was a virgin and I said kinda but not realy as I had done other things. This was incredibly hard to admit. The last time we were intimate was after disclosing that to her, was when I finally did have sex with her, but it ended extremely quickly (30 seconds max) and after it happened she got up and said in a sassy tone “DID I JUST TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY??” I almost cried right there on the bed. We went outside the room to the kitchen and she ignored me and went on her phone. Eventually it got late and she told me that I had to “sleep in the guest bedroom” because she was going to “drop me”

I ended up just driving home. I cannot communicate properly the despair and hopelessness I felt on that car drive home. This is where I became suicidal for the 2nd time. How was I supposed to get better at sex if I am not given any time to do it? I love how our society expects me to be a total sexual lion with no faults.

I got with a few more girls on tinder in 2015 and had ed every time. It destroyed me.

It was at this point that I was fed up. I learned a lot about testosterone and did a lot of research. I began to think that I was fundamentally flawed. I needed something to make me better, because clearly, people hated me and I was not good enough.

I got myself some testosterone and started a full on testosterone blast of 500mg a week of testosterone. My sex drive went up, my confidence went way up. I looked great. That’s right, I started taking steroids. I have no shame in doing what I did.

I noticed that my temper became shorter. I already had a bad temper, and my self esteem issues probably played a role there. But being on testosterone amplified what was already there.

I am now 26 years old. I then made another attempted on tinder and matched with this really attractive real estate agent girl from san Francisco (she just moved to the area). We met up for drinks and we got along pretty well. We would go out to dinner a few times and go to the dog park and we even went ice scating. She came over to my house twice and I was finally able to have sex. I was even able to put on a condom and I was proud do myself because I had sex with her in missionary for about 2 or 3 minutes. I was always sure to get her off in other ways wether that be oral or with my fingers. I thought things were okay in bed honestly. I did notice however that she was pretty selfish in bed and made no real attempt to return the favor to help me get ready. I continued seeing her because honestly I was 26 and I just wanted the experience. The second time I was not able to use a condom. She told me she has an implant in her arm. I went ahead and went without a condom, and that made me start to climax very fast. I pulled out to calm down and she grabbed me which then triggered me and I finished on her. She got mad because there was “no warning” but I pulled out to calm down so I thought it was obvious what I was doing. Nonetheless, I simply laughed about it and told her its because shes so attractive….. she was not amused. Again, women expect me to be fucking PERFECT.

Long story short, she ending up standing me up on a date where I was going to introduce her to my friends, I had driven all the way to seattle to get her and she didn’t show up. I go incredibly mad. Mind you, I” am on testosterone at the time. I nearly crashed my car I got so enraged. When I confronted her the next day, she told me she just “forgot”: and I told her how much of an inconvenience this caused me. She then proceeded to tell me that “You are not worth it, the sex was horrible everytime and you are being a total dick about the date” She literally blames me for HER FLAKING OUT on me.

I got home took my bass guitar and smashed it into 1000 pieces on the garage floor and I called my best friend Eric screaming and raging into the phone about how I am not able to get good at sex and that I am a failure. I nearly ripped the steering column out of my car by the sheer force I was exerting on the steering wheel as I was driving and screaming on the phone.

My anger became a big problem. At work I nearly got fired for putting my fist through a closet door. Eventually I would get fired from the bank for slamming my phone on my desk and throwing a starbucks coffee onto the ground outside the branch. I became very bitter and angry.

After this event with this girl, I would go 14 months with zero intimacy. That ended 4 months ago. I was introduced to a girl named ashley, who was one of my younger sisters friends. ashley is 3 years older than me and is 30 years old. When we first met it was obvious that she was into me, but I ended up ghosting her because I was not in a place to get involved with a female. I simply could not expose myself to further humiliation.

It was pure coincidence that she showed up at a BBQ (july 4th 2018) I was having at my house. We reconnected and we went out. Eventually we got into bed and I know I was going to need Viagra so I had my dad give me some. The first two attempts were failures. On the third attempted, she was asking what I needed and or what she could do, and I did not have an answer and we gradually escalated into an argument over the matter. She rolled over on the bed and was pouting and I told her that I was going to have a beer or two. She did not like that I wanted to drink to ease my nerves. Eventually we reengaged and she was not looking at me the same. It was as if she saw a different person. I do not remember the exact sequence of events but eventually one of us started crying. I was sitting in my office chair and she was on the bed. I completely broke down and started bawling. She came off the bed and sat on the floor and grabbed my legs and we both cried. I was so incredibly distraught.

It was at this moment that I decided that I was going to die that night. I started sobbing so hard and yelling “I don’t want to live!, I don’t want to live!” And she was crying so hard and It escalated and I got up, with her still hugging me. I was moving around but she was still clinging on to me and I then shoved her off me onto the bed. I then went to grab a small box of .22 ammunition I had in my room and I told her that I am going to garage and I going to kill myself. This was a 500 round box of ammo so, I had to rip apart the cardboard to get to the bullets, and she described it as if I was a starving person that had found food in a box. I was literally ripping it apart to get the bullets to kill myself. She saw what was happening and she threw herself onto me with all of her strength to stop me from leaving the room. After a few moments of struggling with her, I began crying again and I gave into her attempt to restrain me. I could have broken free but I didn’t.

We had a very long and intense talk and we went to sleep. She called my best friend, eric and told him what happened. He had to step out of a work conference that was mandatory for him to take the call. He then told ashley that she had to tell my parents and she did. eric sent his friend mike, who I also knew, to come over to visit me and to take the gun out of my house. He told me I had no choice. My parents then talked to me and my mom wanted to admit me to the emergency room to be admitted for a week or however long it took to get a proper evaluation. We decided not to do it because the ER would look at me and say that there was nothing wrong, as 48 later, I was not in a suividal crisis any longer. Eric called me and was in tears about what had happened. He already knew that I struggled with girls and sex but I am not sure if he knew it was to this extent.

Me and ashley took a break for a week or so and eventually started seeing each other again. Eventually, I was able to have satisfactory sex with her. I was taking 125mg of Viagra each time. It was incredible. I was lasting 4 or 5 minutes each time and a few times we actually orgasmd at the same time. Without the drugs however, nothing happens. I feel incredibly ashemed that It took me until 24 to have sex. I hate that every girl has about 10x more sexual experience than me. I feel inferior and I do not know how I am ever going to get over these feelings. I also would like to not kill myself but I have a suicidal track record.

I am now paying 120 dollars a week for fucking therapy because I am so fucked up. There is not a day go by where my scars of being a late male virgin does not haunt me. I feel inferior to all men around me even though I am bigger and more ripped then all of them. IF agirl expresses interest in hooking I have to decline. I can never have sex with someone until the 3rd or fourth attempt. So if a girl is just afling type girl, I never pursue as I will fail and she will tell everyone, because that is what girls do.

I am 27 now, I own a house and car and motorcycle and work a white collar finance job.

That’s it for the back story thank you for reading,

EDIT: TL;DR:

Got kind of bullied in high school mistreated in college, didn't get laid in high school or college. Hooked up with girls in college and had ed with almost 8 girls. Started feeling suicidal and had a breakdown over the phone with my mom while driving across the state for a event that I was supposed to bring people too for the non profit I worked for when everyone bailed. Had ED with more girls and was also ridiculed for my virginity which I eventually lost at 24. Got dumped by a girl for what I believe to be my bad sex abilities. Then I got dumped again by another girl who straight up told me I was terrible at sex even though I tried to get her off in any way I could, fingers, mouth ect… (I have found that girls actually do not like this stuff, they only want penetration). I had a fit of rage after this a broke a bunch of stuff in my house. Didn't go to work for a few days. Went back to work and punched a whole through a wall. Got fired from Bank Job. Went 14 months no intimacy, got depressed. Got introduced to a girl who is friends with my sister, we actually dated before sex. I explained my issues, she uinderstood. The first 3 attempts didn't work, on the third she got frustrated and rolled over and was pouting. I completely broke down when I realized that I was losing another girl to this. I grabbed bullets out of a 500 round box and told her I was going to the garage to kill myself, she tackled me like a line backer and I kind of tried to keep going but I stopped and had a complete mental breakdown. She was sobbing terribly as well at what was happening. My family found out (she told them) and I was almost admitted to a hospital for suicidal ideation. instead I started therapy. We continued going out and I continued using VIAGRA which started to work and we had normal sex for 3 months before she had to move. MY PROBLEM IS A FEEL ASHAMED I WAS A VIRGIN UNTIL 24, AND THAT I SUFFER FROM PRETTY BAD ED. I FEEL INFERIOR. I DO NOT HAVE ANY WILD SEX STORIED TO TELL.