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My roommate is a fucking cock block

Reddit View
October 17, 2018

All this nigga does is jerk off and play video games. Room is dirty asf (except for my side) and he wont even let me clean. I have to fucking threaten his ass to get shit done.

He just starts fapping and doesn’t cover himself up when he does. I told him i was gonna spray his ass with water next time he does it.

I can’t even bring a girl back cause his side is fucked and she will equate that with the entire room.

Edit: He let his fish die. Bowl was looking like orange juice.

PS4 > Pet Fish

Edit 2: He skips class to watch youtube, stays up all night and skips class to sleep in the next day

Edit 3: I’m in college

Post Information
Title My roommate is a fucking cock block
Author UniversalFapture
Upvotes 97
Comments 115
Date 17 October 2018 02:04 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Original Link
Similar Posts

[–]jh1871116 points117 points  (7 children) | Copy

Yea bro, had a similar issue in college.

Keep your side fucking spotless. Any time something of his is on your side, kick it to his side with blatant disregard. Clothes, backpack, schoolbooks, whatever. He will learn you have 0 tolerance for his shit encroaching your side.

The centerline of that room should be a fuckin boarder between 2 warring countries.

I wouldn’t discuss it with him, but I would show him I’m not messing around. This works best if your side is pristine. I’d walk in, drop my bag, and kick/ nudge all the shit so the centerline of he room is exposed and his shit is on his side. All while having normal chat.

And I’d bring girls back. Fuck it. Let them know you have a slob for a roommate. Or even tell them you think he’s an undercover cop and that you don’t feel comfortable going back after drinking, etc. Try to game them and stay at their places as a first choice, but if you can’t I’d bring them back and crush.

If you have an RA or some way to request a room change I would. I spent 1 semester in a messy hell hole and these tactics helped a lot.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 34 points35 points  (4 children) | Copy

Thanks! Cleaning now

[–]jackandjill223 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Works sometimes sometimes they stick someone in the shitty room & you just have to deal.

[–]inspiredshane1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Can confirm. My first roommate did all this bullshit too. GTFO ASAP

[–]AstronautDiapers 1 points [recovered]  (18 children) | Copy

Next time he starts fapping, just whip it out and start doing the same, but make intense eye contact with him. Bet he won't do it again.

[–]failingtheturingtest94 points95 points  (6 children) | Copy

If the bloke is that fucked up, he'd probably like it.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 55 points56 points  (2 children) | Copy


[–]rewoomantle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You need to go theon greyjoy or reservoir dogs on him. Wont spare a disgusting bastard cock blocking other men

[–]jackandjill2211 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy

Lol so glad I own my own home.

[–]ScratchinCommander 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Nothing better than walking around with your cock out

[–]friendandadvisor1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nothing better than walking around with your cock out

Unless it's being a roommate to a dude that does!

[–]beginner_7 points8 points  (7 children) | Copy

Take something chili-based and spray it on his dick. He will certainly not do it again and he will certainly not like it.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 14 points15 points  (5 children) | Copy

Not trying to harm the guy. Just deter him

[–]KarmicPrism7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

He won't be harmed at all. Put hot peppers and water in a windex bottle (without the windex obv).

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy


[–]cubicpolynomial317 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

No don't this please

[–]ChadTheWaiter1003 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ask him if he needs a hand?

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Suck him off when he gets the urge, that way, he won't have to do it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wtf. Are you my ex? Why are you suggesting BPD girl shit?

[–]SteveStJohn0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]WellShit230 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

And bust on him to show dominance.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, and start to rub his thigh. Nature will direct you as to your next step.

[–]throwawayycheyeah30 points31 points  (7 children) | Copy

Holy shit how are some people so God damn shameless

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 31 points32 points  (6 children) | Copy

Exactly . Wonders why he a virgin

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do these incel clowns expect girls to just show up at their place to deflower them out of the blue?

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why not? He's got a roommate that just sits there while he jerks it, who doesn't clean the fucking room because he said 'no'. If you can get a dude to sit still for this, just think of how many women will react to this!

[–]jackandjill227 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Why is it the people who have obvious deficiency's that wonder why they can't get laid?

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy


[–]tornadoboy332 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Because everything and everyone they know is saying that they’re perfect the way they are

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

LOL, I thought he was talking about you!

[–]general_landur38 points39 points  (1 child) | Copy

Plot twist for reddit drama: OP and his roommate are the same person and there is actually no clean side of the room

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lmao . Read a book like that once. Where the student would tell his parents about the trouble maker at school. Turns out to be him

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy

Wow what a piece of shit

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 9 points10 points  (5 children) | Copy

He’ll be blasting heavy metal soon

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

Not bad, I appreciate a lil Kurt cobain here and there

[–]SalporinRP18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy

Kurt Cobain isn't heavy metal lol

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]JonathanMekerset0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Smh 🤦‍♀️

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]Morphs_9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

I will never understand this culture of being literal roommates. What idiot thought that up? No sense of privacy whatsoever. Glad I live in EU in that regard. In our college campus everyone had their own room.

[–]JonathanMekerset5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

College is a business

[–]SalporinRP9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Dude if the kid is fapping when you're in the room and won't stop that shit counts as sexual harassment lol. I'm 99% sure you can get an emergency room change if you press this issue.

As someone who used to work in the housing department of my college while I was in school I know for a fact that they keep a certain amount of rooms open during the year for emergency room changes. I also know that there are a handful of people on campus who are living by themselves in doubles due to people dropping out, housing logistics, etc.

If you go to the housing department and say you've had multiple talks with this kid and you're starting to feel unsafe in your room you'll be able to switch I guarantee. The last thing a school needs is some kid suing because the school won't do anything about his roommate exposing himself in front of him.

Ham it up. Go for that Oscar nomination. Say how you feel violated and unsafe if your room. And that the harassment is effecting your grades and mental wellbeing.

If this doesn't work then fucking lay down the law bro. Sounds pussy but tell him you're reporting him to the RA and if that doesn't work then the police if he doesn't stop jerking in front of you. If he doesn't stop then find his family (sibling, parent) on facebook and message them. Introduce yourself as his roommate and fucking tell them that he needs to be talked to. I guarantee if you tell his mom that he's exposing himself in front of you he'll get a call within 5 minutes screaming at him over the phone. Shame this piece of shit.

[–]duskyMonk2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

This. Give the rent-seeking morons in the sexual harassment office something useful to do if you're vindictive enough to try to get him kicked right out of college. Otherwise, the housing office will transfer you asap.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm 99% sure you can get an emergency room change if you press this issue.

He won't press it...

[–]gabrielshang9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

move out and share your new place with a decent human being?

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

Missed the deadline. However i did fill out paperwork to transfer schools. No reply in weeks tho

[–]ToiletPaperPringles9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

May you survive this bro

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m trying

[–]kellykebab7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

Wait he jerks off in front of you? Just kick his ass. What's the problem?

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I can’t be beating folks up. Gotta splash his ass with water tho

[–]kellykebab9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

But seriously the guy actually masturbates in front of you? That's incredibly weird and must qualify for some kind of harassment.

Sounds like you're at college, yeah? I'm sure you could get transferred to a different room on that alone. Just shame the guy. I can't imagine a college aged dude not being mortified by that getting out.

Seriously, though, that should be embarrassing enough that you should be able to kick the guy without him having the stomach to complain about it.

I've never heard of anyone that weird at a college age.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m transferring. People have roasted him on it

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock[🍰] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Immediately punch him in the stomach. What's he gonna do, tell on you? "I was masturbating in front of him and this animal assaulted me for it!" I don't think so.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Housemates WAR! My favorite. Teaches you assertiveness and makes you better.

Call him Virgin, not by his name. Do everything that makes him feel that he is living with a piece of shit and that he would be better off leaving the place. You have to not cross the many lines that would put you in trouble. He does all that should get him kicked out, you just have to put that in light being a bully.

You might think that it's wrong to be a bully, it does if the victim is a kid, while some adults DESERVE to be bullied into sense.

But TBF he is probably on the spectrum and has no hope.

If you're stuck for long you have to be on best term with the owner and rat when shit gets out of hand. I know it's a bitch move but you can't beat him up.

My 2 cents.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

College here.

Bro just farted.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You need an intervention, from the college or his family. You have to make it unliveable for him, you gonna have to move his lazy ass in a way or another or just give up.

Either he moves it or you get step on by his filth.

[–]ChadTheWaiter1001 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

All jokes aside the best tactic I’ve seen is “call him Virgin, not by his actual name”

[–]flashcash12 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

One of my roommates sophomore year (some random who was forced to live with us for a semester due to overflow) was even lazier than this fuck. A complete cancer. Let him continue to live his life like a fuck. He clearly likes to piss people off and likes it when he does. Its clearly gotten to you.

Also talk to your RA asap. They can probably do something. That lazy fuck left cooked food on the counter for weeks and would continue to eat it with mold. Housing came to our apartment and said if he continued to do everything we complained of, they'd evict him. He quickly got his shit together.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nasty asf

[–]HannibalTheCommander 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Haha, thanks for giving me a chuckle. I couldn't tolerate the blatant arrogance though. I'd be so fucking toxic and hostile that he would find another place to stay. It would be challenging to stay cool for sure.

Look at the bright side though. If he's skipping class and being an overall irresponsible man-child, he's probably gone in no time anyways.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That be great

[–]ThatCurlBro6 points7 points  (13 children) | Copy

That’s one strong crab.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 11 points12 points  (12 children) | Copy

Exactly. I train in Jiu Jitsu and wing chun. I train for 8 hours a week. Thats as much time he spends on his PS4. At least that i know off

I mean, i’ve been playing that new spiderman game, but i still get shit done.

He let his fucking gold fish die cause he was too lazy

[–]jackandjill2214 points15 points  (9 children) | Copy

gold fish less important than PS4

My sides. Does he shit himself like cartman playing WOW.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 8 points9 points  (8 children) | Copy

Dragon age is his thing. He burps and sneezes in shit tho. His mom had to buy him a step stool to help reach his bed.

if thats not a wake up call for weight loss, idk what is.

He even sets his alarms hella early in the morning. Yet he doesn’t get up that early. He skips class a lot too to watch Youtube

[–]jackandjill2214 points15 points  (7 children) | Copy

He's a dopamine addict. Or ADHD. Probably on the spectrum there's no way anyone could be that unaware of themselves & bad with scheduling/time. That's fucking crazy godspeed brother.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

Yeah. I told him we should do push-ups together. My max is 65 and i’m trying to get it up. He said his max was 5. He can’t do 1.

Told him we will be getting up early to try again.

I need to practice too

[–]ThatCurlBro1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

The worst case of cuckness I heard so far. He sounds toxic too. Friendly advice is not to try to fix him too hard, he doesn’t even understand what’s up with him.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy

That could be true. He laughed at me cause i smashed this hoe chick.

Yet, this clingy as hoe doesn’t even wanna fuck him sooo

[–]ThatCurlBro3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Remember it’s dopamine we are talking about here. For him, video games, junk food, masturbation etc. Is so full filling for him that it makes no sense for him why you put so much one in yourself in order to make yourself a high quality man. Did you read 48 laws of power? It’s highly recommend on this sub. It has a chapter where it explains why such people are only a waste of time and energy, for you and themselves. Isolate yourself from such people ASAP.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

That’s actually what i’ve been doing. I keep busy and clean and he does whatever he does.

[–]waynebradysworld3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Bro 8 hours per week on PS4? I'm not even that nerdy and I can rack that up in a few days if I'm into a new game.

Your roommate is probably spending 8 hours per DAY on that shit

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You wish you could kimura his wanking arm uh

[–]buddboy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Say what you want but make it sound like he wants it too. This is what a good leader does. "Dude we need our room to be clean so we can get laid". "Lets make a rule if either of us need the room to fuck we can get it alone, no questions asked."

This way if he protests you can say something like "come on man don't you wanna get laid". If he agrees to the terms it's a win, if he doesn't agree he's acknowledging to himself he knows he isn't even trying, which may be an eye opener."

[–]Drakane11 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

kai is this you

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy


[–]Drakane10 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy


[–]UniversalFapture[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No whoosh for me

[–]Drakane10 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

i dont get it so yeah

[–]Terdmuffin1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If youre in the dorms then report him for exposing himself to you. Most colleges aren't gonna take that too lightly.

[–]1RainySeasonInPH1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Honestly, Western culture started its death spiral at about the time that it stopped being considered acceptable to hand out deserved ass-kickings.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This'll be the wisest thing i read for a while..

[–]Jay-G1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

If someone was jerking off in front of me, I’d choke them the fuck out. Rear naked choke this chump, and put him to sleep. He probably won’t do it again. If he does, choke him out again. Choking someone out doesn’t leave evidence of an assault, a black eye would though. If you lock down a RNC correctly, you can put them out in about 10 seconds. They only way he would be able to catch you choking him is if he had video evidence, in that case he would be giving himself up that he jerks off in front of you and he would be in the wrong.

[–]BigBallsJamesHunt0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Mata leo the fuck of this idiot lol. But seriously, he doesn't need to do that.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Need a hug?

[–]whuttupfoo0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Easy solution. Fucking move somewhere else, or kick the guy out. If you can’t do any of those, then stop being a bitch and actually spray him with a hose.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Transferring schools

[–]frl9870 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

spray him water should work. use a spray bottle or small super soaker w/ water. don't put bleach in the water, but you could put a little lysol or hydrogen peroxide (like if his side smells or it happens again after the 1st time)

follow thru or you lose the chance to pressure him to clean up the act.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Vinegar is good too, stinks AND cleans.

[–]frl9870 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

actually imo febreeze &/or rubbing alcohol are better in this case, b/c they smell good & he's hoping to get laid in that room one day though

[–]peaceful_strong_man0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Report him to the campus police

[–]DadOnDabs0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I had a roommate exactly like this. He didn't make it past the first semester. Request a room change if possible OP.

[–]YetAnotherSEONerd0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

lmfao he leaves handkerchiefs with sperm afterwards is that what you are trying to say?

[–]ChadTheWaiter1000 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Are you serious? Have you seen his cock?

[–]BigBallsJamesHunt0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wtf, if he jerks off in front of you just record it and show it to the owners or whoever is in charge of this place. You can even sue him for sexual harassment.

[–]Jay-G0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Assert dominance.

[–]JerryLawlerPigFace0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Lmao why does he fucking start jerking off in front of you randomly??

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

He’s in his bed, he just doesn’t hide it. Puts headphones in, turns phone to full brightness, and he breathes heavy as shit. Sounds like stirring macaroni

[–]waynebradysworld1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]JerryLawlerPigFace0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That’s so fucked up

[–]rewoomantle0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Wait do you live in the same ROOM or house? How the hell are you supposed to get a gal in there with him around lol

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Get a new roommate. Can't help you, but, you got some dude jerkin' it in front of you??

You are either a homo or a right fucking idiot. 'I'm in college?' OK, then be a college student that isn't a homo and get a new roommate or NO roommate. You are living in a shit hole with a guy that jerks off in front of you. "And, he won't let me clean! He's MEAN!"

If you're in a dorm, tell WTF it is that controls that stuff that your roommate is sexually harassing you. I know, I know, he's a 'bro', but, jerking off in front of you IS sexual harassment, and something that the college would have to act upon.


[–]UniversalFapture[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Filled out transfer papers. I’m leaving this shithole soon for a better college

[–]CalmPassenger 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy

I have a similar situation. My fucking roommate gets drunk every single night and cooks a lot or gets food and NEVER cleans up after himself. He’ll just leave food and grease and oil all over the counters, stove, floor, and we have a really bad roach problem now because of him. I’m trying to get rid of them, bringing up that we need to keep clean and that I’m gonna get spray traps, and his response is “lol okay mr. roach killer”. Fucking prick. And so this weekend he cleaned the bathroom which was already clean, and vacuumed the carpets, which I appreciate. But then, he says since he did the bathroom and carpet, I need to do the kitchen. I pretty much told him to fuck off, but I’m not very confrontational, working on assertiveness. We wouldn’t have to ever clean the kitchen if it wasn’t for him, because I know how to clean up after myself. So now he expects me to clean up his build-up of messes in the kitchen. I tell him, “ okay, since you did the other rooms, I’ll clean the kitchen this once, but from now on you really need to clean up after yourself when you’re done cooking or eating”. I agree to clean up HIS mess and his response is verbatim “It's my place and now on I know how to take care on thanks u sir” he won’t even learn proper English after being here for 5 years. He doesn’t seem to get that just because he’s lived here longer, doesn’t mean I didn’t move in and sign the lease. It’s my home just as much as it is his, we are equal as far as the lease and landlord are concerned.

[–]UniversalFapture[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly! “Don’t touch my shit”

Bitch stfu

[–]duskyMonk1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Get as many roaches from a pet store or the internet as possible. Put them in his pillowcase along with some roach food. He'll start keeping things clean to keep the PTSD flashbacks away.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lmao good idea

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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