Summary: Pre-TRP, I had a girl in the palm of my hand last summer, and then she moves and I become an orbiter. My own introspection and retrospection post-TRP.

Body: About a year ago, I caught up with MJ. She'd been a friend during middle school and high school but always had a boyfriend and then moved away during our sophomore year. Summer after our first year at college, turns out she was in town for the summer. I found her on Snapchat, got her number, took her out to lunch.

MJ isn't just any girl. HB9, Ivy League, tall fit volleyball player. During lunch I found out we had loads in common, we could have a conversation about anything, it flowed so naturally. There were some shit tests, but I passed them without really knowing what I was doing, just by trying to be funny and I have a dark sense of humor so it worked out. Lunch turned into a movie. I put my arm around her right from the start. My confidence was through the roof. We got coffee and then fucked in my car afterwards. I'd done something really right.

The rest of the summer we were super close. We were peers, both fit and had loads of similar interests. And the sexual chemistry was on point. I knew what made her tick and she loved it. Whenever she got a chance she'd return the favor, often just bringing it up casually: "Hey, do you want a blowjob?" We had a really good thing going.

Then comes time to go back to school, and this is where I start fucking up. We both agreed that long distance sucks, as we'd both had bad experiences with LDR. But we also agreed that what we had was amazing, and if we were free during winter or spring break then we should catch up.

We texted back and forth, on and off, sometimes sexting. I started missing her. I was starting to think that this was the one who would get away. I developed mild oneitis, and that made me lose frame. I started being the one to initiate every conversation. I started asking her to Skype. She started saying she was always busy, and granted it seemed like she was and so was I. Winter break came and went, she was staying with family on the other side of the country from me. Whatever, seemed reasonable.

Spring break is coming up, and I don't have any plans. I start looking at flights, at my school schedule to hers. I was thinking about how much I missed her, and how I hadn't really gotten laid other than a couple mediocre hookups (HB5 and HB6) since she left. The texts with her had grown more sporadic (should have been a red flag). I had applied for a few jobs and been rejected, and I lost my housing for the coming year so I had to find new roommates. Overall I felt like shit and really wanted to see MJ.

I gave her the time frame I'd be able to come. I'd be there for a week, arriving on a Friday. She was down, she said she missed me and would love to see me. She had an exam the Monday after I got there, so she'd be studying over the weekend but the rest of the week she'd be free to hang out and do whatever. I asked if she was sure, and she said yes. I gave her a few weeks to change her mind, and she didn't.

So I booked the flight. The Monday before I left she calls me to confirm our plans, what time I'd be in, what bus stop to pick me up from, that kind of stuff. But she also tells me that she's been seeing another guy, going on a few dates. My heart drops. I ask her if I should just cancel the trip. I didn't want to be "the other guy." If she wanted to move on from me she could, I knew what we'd said about long distance. But she reassured me it was nothing serious, that it had been two dates and that was it. So I didn't cancel. I should have held frame and just cancelled on her. Some guy comes along after I book and gives her the tingles, and she tried to tell me that I don't give her the tingles anymore. I have full on orbiter status at this point, but I don't realize it. It's hard to read a person's emotions through phone and text.

I don't cancel. I take a 19 hour flight and bus to see her. I get there, it turns out that exam she had is actually the same day I leave, so she tells me she'll be studying most of the week I was there. She takes me to some party with her friends, we both get drunk but I don't see her at all until we leave. She drops me off at her apartment saying she'll be back in an hour, I say sure because I'm drunk and stupid. She doesn't come back until noon the next day. I'm hungover as fuck and she goes to study.

She studies a fucking lot apparently. Because all I saw of her the rest of the time i was there was her nose in a book. We'd go get food, and even then the only conversation we'd have was about her going back to study. I didn't fly 2000 miles and spend $500+ just to watch her study. I start getting angry with her, but I try to give her space because I can tell how much she cares about school.

I try to help her study, she wants to study alone. I try clean up for her to free up some of her time, she still has no free time. Fourth day there, I tell her I want an hour or two of her time just to hang out, no books or notes or any of that shit. She promises we'll watch John Olliver later, but turns out she doesnt have time for that either and goes to study. I'm finally picking up on the fact that she's trying to blow me off, that she doesn't actually want me there.

I'm sitting next to her that night as she's studying. Suddenly she's laughing. I look at her computer screen. She's watching fucking John Olliver. I called her out on it, and called her out on all her bullshit throughout the weekend. She doesn't bat an eye. I ask if she wants me here. She says yes. I ask why she thinks I'm here. She thought I was just a friend. Fuck that noise, I'm here because I care about her. She explains how far apart we were, how she's got so many other guys chasing after her, that basically she doesn't care.

I break down crying. My oneitis had come full on. I couldn't see why she did this to me, why she led me on for for months and months, assured me she wanted me here, and then once I get there I'm just her fucking orbiter. Not to mention that New York State is a frozen fucking wasteland this time of year and I could be in California. Or that this trip has put me out $500. Or that this, combined with the series of job rejections and bad grades and housing issues, sent me into deep depression for the next two months. The last sane thing I did on that trip, with the one ounce of frame I had left in me, I changed my flight immediately and left at 6am the next morning.

Lessons Learned:

Watch for red flags. This could be anything, but in my case this was the lack of communication, the stand-offishness, her telling me she's got other guys lined up. Call her out on her shit ASAP, and when she hamsters it away (in this case "in was only a couple of dates!"), call her out again or leave. Which brings me to my next point:

Hold fucking frame at all costs. All costs includes the girl. Seeming desperate for her contact, getting super drunk and hungover, getting angry, crying. Each of these things made me less and less desirable each time. Being smart and fit can only set your starting SMV, after that your SMV depends almost entirely on your actions.

Think short term for others, think long term for yourself. She did this well, and most women do. The main reason I was on the fucking ball during summer was that I was only looking at the next day or two, when we were gonna hang out, and how we would fuck. So was she. The difference between her and I was that when she left, she kept that same frame of mind and I didn't. This time our next meeting was months off, and that breeds oneitis. I thought about her more than myself and that dragged me down.

Last, and most importantly, All Women Are Fucking Like That. Whatever kind of relationship you are in with a woman, you are only ever meeting a need. During the summer, I was Chad. Or maybe I was the only cock she could find. But either way, she had something to gain from me. As soon as I was out of her area code, she put me out of her mind, and I should have done the same. The only reason she kept texting me and let me come visit her was because she liked the attention. Don't become an orbiter. Don't meet her attention-seeking needs, meet her tingle-seeking needs.