“I Had A Dad”: About American dads, and how they failed to educate their sons. Harsh but true.

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November 13, 2013

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Title “I Had A Dad”: About American dads, and how they failed to educate their sons. Harsh but true.
Author expat229
Upvotes 68
Comments 19
Date 13 November 2013 07:05 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit becomeaman
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/137362
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/becomeaman/comments/1qjysw/i_had_a_dad_about_american_dads_and_how_they/
Similar Posts

[–]redbluepilling 20 points21 points  (3 children) | Copy

Am I the only one with a father that was physically there, but pretty much aloof? Alphaish, skilled with mechanical aptitude, yet he was pretty hands off when it came to me--raised largely by my mother.

There were no life lessons, and when he would try to 'teach' me some of his skills, it turned into me watching him swear at inanimate objects while he did everything himself and taught jack shit. He can be very much an immature asshole.

Now as an adult I can separate the good behaviours to emulate from the bad, but as a kid? No chance, especially with the strong maternal influence.

[–]wakethfkupneo 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Similar story here. Strong alpha father, but no connection (he sucks with children, both my brother/me and now my children) and raised by mother.

[–]BooksofMagic 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

There were no life lessons, and when he would try to 'teach' me some of his skills, it turned into me watching him swear at inanimate objects while he did everything himself and taught jack shit. He can be very much an immature asshole.

This sums up my dad far better than that article did. I taught myself how to shave by watching Gillette commercials.... I eventually grew up to be so beta that my ex-wife seriously asked me if I was gay :

[–]forgotmydamnpass 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like my father

[–]DoxasticPoo 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

A very poignant view into the world. But I was left with a question,

So what?

Yeah, my Dad wasn't really there. He didn't show me how to be a man. He "let" me raise myself. He was so hands-off I registered myself for school in High School because he wasn't going to force me to go...

But where he "failed", I'll succeed. I'll take over. I'll appreciate the good things he taught me and forgive the bad. I'll define myself from here.

Would it have been nice to have a perfect Father who raised me "better"? Sure. But that's not the reality. The reality is I was largely raised by women and have a woman's perspective because of it.

And the reality is this is my life, my head, my brain... so it's my responsibility.

I love my Dad for doing what he thought was right. I can't blame him for doing anything else. Read this article and gain perspective. But don't become a "victim". This is a good article but it sounds like some people hate their Dads after reading it.

Don't. They did what they did. It's over. It's OUR responsibility to become a man now.

[–]Eloni 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

Which is probably still better than those of us who were raised by a single mother.

[–]RaxL 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, but a lot of this holds fathers, 'dads' in contempt, like they knew a lot of what we know.... or are trying to learn.

A lot of these guys never figured women out, or never realized you make fewer friends as you get older. A lot of the things mentioned, a lot of dads still don't know.

Is he a bad father/dad because he never figured it out? Also, they didn't have access to knowldge like we do with the internet.

[–]steadymotion 9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

Harsh but true.


My dad was beta and a mixture between "hands-off dad" and "angry dad" (he was essentially kicked out by my mom when I was 12). He sucked. Every useful lesson I learned I had to learn by myself, except for one thing: my dad taught me (by example) to not be like him, because of how pathetic he was in my eyes.

[–]sachalamp 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your dad was like that because of his past. The only way end the cycle is to show some empathy towards him instead of hating him.

[–]humpaa 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

This article is right, but at the same time it is in no fault of the fathers.

I grew up with my Dad not around (divorced), but he's still in my life and he's literally just like the Dad described in the article.

I cannot blame him for all my insecurities. The world we live in today is nothing like the world that we used to live in. My Dad barely even knows how to use a computer. The world we live in is so complex now, it is structure so differently.

In a way, you can say that our dads are just still jacked in the blue pill.

[–]DizzyNW 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

One thing I encountered along those lines was that my dad had a hard time accepting that I was more perceptive of some modern things than he was. If he had been willing to embrace that and learn things from me, I think it would have helped my confidence a lot. He was either too confused by technology/culture or he was unwilling to admit that I could be more knowledgeable in certain areas.

[–]BoogieBearAndrew 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy

My dad grew up without a dad. No one was ever there for him so he didn't really know how to be a dad. I don't think I'm doomed to fail in life because he was a dad instead of a father. I also don't think I turned out bad because he was a dad. But I am a little bitter towards him because of it. Him not being a father and being a dad has harmed our personal relationship more than it has harmed my life.

[–]BooksofMagic 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My dad did too. Family of 5 kids growing up in the war and he was the second youngest. His dad "fucked off and left the family" (maybe was killed though) and his mom died giving birth to his younger brother when he was 5 or 6 years old. As a result, he had no true adult role models growing up and on top of that he saw some bad shit that he still doesn't like to talk about. I hated him well into my 20's but learned to forgive him later. The man made mistakes but he always tried to do right by supporting his family, even if he couldn't be bothered to spend much time with his youngest, 'accident' son because he was always tired, doing chores or watching TV.

Thank god I'm not too old to learn from his and my own mistakes.

[–]just_an_ordinary_guy 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was fortunate to have a dad that was a bit better than the typical "hands off dad." He taught me work ethic and working with my hands just through lead by example. Unfortunately, he never taught me anything about making friends or getting with women, because he himself doesn't fucking know. I'm still kind of a beta loser, but everything I do know I've pretty much taught myself or learned from watching other guys who succeed.

I don't hate my dad though. I learned more than some of my peers. I feel bad though, because my two siblings weren't astute enough to pick up on the teachings of my dad. They still live at home in their early to mid twenties. Maybe I'm just better off for being the oldest child in the first place.

Very astute and well thought out article.

[–]TankVet 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

My dad did. He absolutely, completely and totally did.

[–]SpinalArt 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm sure industrialization and 9-5 work schedules threw society for a loop and even the most well intentioned father couldn't be as much as an influence as they would've wanted. We will all have daddy issues at one point in our lives but at some point you have to live as if he is dead even if he isn't. You can't change how you entered this world but you can change the rest of it.

[–]AlmightyMexijew 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Right to the feelings..

My dad's a "Hands-off" Dad with "Employer Dad" expectations. I was taught vague statements that were alluded to such as "Get a good career", "Don't burn your bridges", etc.

After years of travel, some time in yeshiva, and a sort of spiritual quest, I've just now started to touch on the things he could've taught me better.

[–]sachalamp 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well, learn to be a man and stop finding excuses why you can't. And I don't quite like this article, it is derogatory towards "dad''. Guess what, you need both a father and a dad, maybe your parent didn't nail both but probably did the best he could given the circumstances.

Then again, it might be good for closure to know part of the reason you aren't a man yet.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Actually my dad was very authorative growing up. It's just that, he wasn't around much. As for the weak advice and all that. Society as a whole is like that, not just the fathers. Interesting article nonetheless.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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