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Tired of being a loser

Reddit View
February 3, 2014
81 upvotes

I'm 24, still in college, jobless, broke, out of shape (ex-athlete), and apparently i'm boring to hang out with. My friends talk about me behind my back, and apparently I'm sometimes weird, and sometimes boring, but I can sometimes throw in good one-liners. I know they keep me around to laugh at me. None of them think I'm cool. And when I ask them about their opinion of me, they say "your a nice guy". I'm tired of being the "nice guy". I want to be the cool guy, the funny guy, the awesome guy.

My problems are all in my head, I know it, but I'm having serious trouble fixing them. I've been trying to better myself for the past year, but it seems like I've fallen back into a worse version of my former un-confident self.

I spend way too much time watching youtube videos and playing video games. I used to watch a lot of porn, but I quit watching porn and masturbating 3 weeks ago. I thought my porn addiction was the cause of my lack of confidence, but I find myself still nervous around girls, still quiet around a new group of people, and still uninteresting/weird in conversation.

I had a decent corporate job at a big company, and things were working out, but I found myself hating my manager and feeling way too much stress and pressure from a very simple and menial job. I wasn't making friends at work either for some reason, even though I was regularly being approached by my coworkers. For some reason I couldn't keep their attention and I would usually seem awkward in conversation. The biggest thing I hate about myself is that I'm sometimes awkward in conversation because I let my nerves get to me and I can't think clearly for an appropriate/funny response, so I kinda quiet down and end the conversation awkwardly. Anyway, I quit my old job because I couldn't handle feeling so awkward all the time.

I know I have a "people person" hidden somewhere inside of me, but I am struggling to break out of my shell.

How does one regain confidence after taking so many huge hits to their self-esteem?


Post Information
Title Tired of being a loser
Author lcville100
Upvotes 81
Comments 67
Date 03 February 2014 08:06 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit becomeaman
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/137386
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/becomeaman/comments/1wx3td/tired_of_being_a_loser/
Similar Posts
Comments

[–]slomotionhighscore120 points121 points  (8 children) | Copy

Ah yes, Loserdom.

It's a place we usually find ourselves at rather than setting it as a destination and traveling to it. However, you have found yourself in this unappealing locale and are wondering how you ended up here but I can guarantee you that the decisions that you've made, or rather the lack of them - gradually brought you here.

So you're a loser, okay.

Well, if you never have that feeling then you can call yourself a robot because every human being that has ever lived from the alpha cave ape to Amelia Earhart has felt exactly like you feel today. Welcome to the party!

Becoming aware of our inadequacies is an incredible gift. A real actual bonafide present all wrapped up nice and tight for you to open.

Find a quiet room and start peeling away at the paper and open the box. What's in the box? All your saddest, weakest repetitive phrases;

'You're not cool enough to talk to them.'

'You look stupid when you do that, stop.'

'Get away from us, can't you see that we are interesting REAL people and you're a fucking mop of a human being?'

And on and on and on and on...and...again

Here's the deal, everyone deals with this to varying degrees. These repetitive, damning patterns of thought are like sweaty toothed worms that feed off of your doubt. The stronger the stench of doubt you can muster, the longer and fatter and more insatiable they become.

They'll gobble up any type of positive movement forward because, get this - you feed them all the time! It's no wonder you can't seem to get ahead of yourself. You've got a head full of parasitic worms drilling holes into your self confidence every chance they get.

And every time you go quiet and actively BELIEVE you're a loser they have a feast! They've gotten so fat that you're not sure where the you is inside all that doubt.

You're right, people can smell the stench of doubt and the mess those worms make from a mile away. Everyone has a radar for someone riddled with doubt.

There is no way to Eradicate the worms, they come free with the basic human apparatus. But you CAN starve them. By not feeding them your precious life energy you can emaciate the bastards.

When they are thin and flaccid the worms do serve a purpose. They exist to occasionally check yourself so that you can divine your direction. But it sounds like you've let them run amok. And that is the problem here. You LET them run amok. It is a choice you are making with your mind to let them gain strength.

Do not forget that your mind is the ONLY thing in the universe that you'll ever be able to control. That's it. Just your mind. Nothing else. Not your parents, never a woman and not the weather. You can only control YOUR mind.

Now read all the books these fine people have recommended and underline paragraphs and phrases that make sense to you. The doubt worms HATE books. The doubt worms HATE whenever you dare to do something new. The doubt worms HATE it when you make your own decisions and cast the consequences into the wind.

The doubt worms LOVE it when you beat yourself up. The doubt worms LOVE it when you're all awkward and hate yourself for days for not being 'cool' enough. And their eyes roll back in their heads with orgasmic glee every single time you think you'll never become the man you believe you can be.

Find a place where you can scream as loud as you can and say with full power...

"I'm sick of this bullshit! I quit feeding the part of myself that is weak long ago. I'm a man and no one can take that away from me ever!"

Shrink the doubt worms with long term, large scale determination. Whatever you are, whoever you are, be it. Be it, through and through and give yourself a shot.

STOP trying so hard to be nice to everyone else this week and START being nice to yourself. EVERYONE will be better off for it.

Project Doubt Worm Starvation commences

now.

r/howtonotgiveafuck r/nofap

3 weeks is a big deal.

PMO is the process of laying cockroach eggs in your mind.

You've already got a worm infestation, good on you for keeping baby cockroaches out of the garden.

Small, simple, consistent accomplishments.

Doubt Worms HATE it when you win.

Rest well and win tomorrow.

For yourself and no one else.

[–]totes_meta_bot5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

This thread has been linked to from elsewhere on reddit.

I am a bot. Comments? Complaints? Send them to my inbox!

[–]reynolds7531 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

How is this only +18!? Amazing post - thank you, I think this is something I will use.

[–]shockingnews2130 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I get your advice, but to dimish this worm, does it take a while to do or should I just do something big to do it. What do you think is a better approach.

[–]slomotionhighscore4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

It is a long term effort. The main action is simply being aware of the time and or the cues to when you feed it. Everybody wants a quick solution but they don't exist. Being aware of self doubt (and by aware I mean that you realize that you are actively creating self limiting beliefs) is the first step to understanding how to starve it and keep it in check. It will NEVER go away. The goal is to move from having it cripple your experience of life to simply just doing its job, which is keep you sane - not to drive you mad.

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you so much for this amazing reply. 4 weeks strong now, but still sometimes look at erotic pictures on imgur or tumblr. I'm determined to get over this though, and with enough time I will regain my confidence.

I'm definitely distancing myself from toxic relationships too... A have a friend who considered me as his best friend, he even said it one night when we were drinking at a party. He moved to a different state last year, and I've been the only one of his friends to visit him. I've visited twice. I thought he was a good friend, but really he was just using me for two things: 1) someone to vent/complain to when we hang out alone, or 2) comic relief when we hang out with other people. He always judges me and pounces on every opportunity to make fun of me. Now I know that as guys we are supposed to occasionally rag on each other, but it became a running gag to make fun of me at every opportunity, and due to my anxiety I could never come up with good come-backs on the spot. I'm tired of being someone else's clown. So when he invited me to visit him this weekend, this time I said no. My friendship with him feeds the doubt worms, the more he judges and makes fun of me, the bigger the doubt worms get.

Should I have a man to man talk with him or should I just bide my time until I've recovered and fixed my own problems? Maybe we can have a normal friendship if I become a man...

[–]reynolds7530 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is saved in my notes on my phone so I can read it whenever. I also emailed it to my 14month old son's email address - the password to which I intend to give to him on his 18th birthday. I hope this is ok, thanks again for this great bit of advice.

[–]Gustavomb0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Genius

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (8 children) | Copy

I know how you feel bro. I started by reading "No More Mr. Niceguy" by Dr. Glover. The other thing that helps is watching Owen Cook from Real Social Dynamics videos on youtube. "How to win Friends and Influence people" and "Think and Grow Rich" The 21st century edition really helped. Another great book is "The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks. The book is great at helping you find your passion in life. Also stuff by Robert Greene 48 laws of Power and Mastery and the 50th Law. Let me know what you think if you get into this stuff. There is hope you can make your dreams come true and be happy. Also meditation really helps me as well.

[–]lcville100[S] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

I'm not much of a reader, but maybe I should change that... Which book do you think is the best to start with? "No More Mr. Niceguy"?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

You can buy the audiobooks for all these titles and listen to them if you don't like reading. Yes No more Mr. Niceguy for sure. Also watching motivational videos on youtube to get pumped up and feel good now.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Also bro leaving the porn alone for 3 weeks is a HUGE success. Build on that success. Imagine that as the first step into your new life. Your whole life is ahead of you and you can use this bottom you are in now to skyrocket yourself into a happy and healthy fulfilling life.

[–]lcville100[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You know what... This comment just boosted my confidence immensely. Hearing that recognition (or reading it), and considering it a HUGE success really validates the effort that I'm putting into it. Then you go beyond that and put it into perspective: It's the first step into my new life.

Maybe I'm a very emotionally charged guy. I look back at my life and I think that the only times I've ever had success was when I was passionate about something. I wrestled in college, and it was basically the only thing I cared about, and my only passion. I was an all-american my senior year! But those days are over. I can't compete with the best of the best on the olympic or pro mma level. Maybe I need to find another passion in my life.

But anyway, thanks for those motivating words bro.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Major props for laying off the porn. In addition to Nice Guy, consider that confidence comes from competence. Find something that are good at or want to get good at and throw yourself into it. You don't have to be best in the world, just feel like you're getting better at it.

You mention wrestling - maybe something like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu? For men, it's good to get into something that makes you move your body and pushes you out of your comfort zone.

I personally get a lot out of yoga. The yoga I do is called cardio sculpt and is really more like aerobics that most yoga. Before that I did Crossfit.

Also, I found that for me it's best to go to a class because the instructor pushes me much more than I would on my own.

[–]Mooshaq3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

No need to pay for No More Mr. Nice Guy.

[–]Zumbrella1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not really a reader either. But audio books are great for people like us if we have the tools. Just throw one on and go about your day.

[–]SuperNinKenDo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Become one, reading will make you more interesting.

[–]thehigheststatusmale7 points8 points  (6 children) | Copy

Stop conserving energy.

[–]lcville100[S] 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

You mean stop being lazy?

[–]thehigheststatusmale3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

The human body is programmed to conserve energy. We have grown past the point where that is necessary. You must consciously reprogram yourself to expend energy at all opportunities instead.

Rather than sitting on the couch, hit the gym.

Rather than being a passive participant socially, be proactive.

Rather than moping around unemployed, hit the bricks and get a job.

[–]lcville100[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

My psychiatrist said that I'm not lazy, I'm just depressed. I believed her for a little while, but even on medication I still make bad decisions on how to spend my time. Then she said it might be due to my ADHD, as I tend to hyperfocus on random things. I'm on adderall now, and I guess it helps me stay focused and aware, but I can easily forget to take my addys.

I know I tend to be lazy and seek instant gratification, and I absolutely hate that about myself. Overcoming laziness is easier said than done. Do you have any tips to trick myself into being more active? Or is it just a matter of will power?

[–]thehigheststatusmale2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Will power is incredibly weak. What you need are new habits.

Read this: http://www.amazon.com/dp/081298160X

You will understand entirely why you are doing what you are doing and how to reprogram yourself.

[–]j-pHil0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

that and less meds.

[–]STFUandLOVE1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hey bro. Let me give some background on myself. I was definitely in your situation through high school. I had "friends", but I typically had to invite myself to places. I didn't have a single person who I called my best friend or who called me their best friend.

In college, I was lucky enough to be roommates with some of the greatest people I have ever met. That changed everything. But I still felt like a phony for the longest time.

Although my situation changed, my mindset was still stagnant in a web of self-doubt. You can't change your situation without changing your mindset, everything else falls from that. And confidence isn't an end-goal, it is a process, a process of gaining. You will never have 100% confidence in yourself, but you can constantly increase that to the point where confidence is a giant aspect of your personality. The great thing about confidence, being confident in one area of your life increases your confidence in other aspects of your life.

So the question is, where do we start if our confidence is low? I'm going to give some typical advice, but the first piece is definitely the game changer.

  1. Define your Core Values. This may seem like a hokey method, but it helps to define who you are and map our your life. Check out this page. It helps to get your life on track. I used to have a copy paste that would detail what this does for you, but I can't seem to find it. Hands down the best thing I've ever done for myself is follow the guide. Keep it in a journal that you can reference from time to time. If you're interested, PM me and I'll look through my history and find the guide.

  2. Learn a new skill. I don't care if its juggling or learning a new language. Language learning will provide a greater overall impact, but just learn any new skill. It will provide a boost in confidence. This confidence boost, however small, can add with other new skills. Also, juggling, read this as all skills, provide more than their face value.

  3. Get a new/Rekindle old hobbies. If you like to play basketball, join a league as somebody is always looking to pick somebody up. If you suck, practice. Stop wasting time and go hit the gym and shoot the rock. It surprising how quickly you will get your shot back. New hobbies get your mind switching gears. And not only this, but new hobbies are very easy to get "decent" at. Meaning you are gaining in your abilities very quickly and get somewhat instant gratification. It also doubles as a great way to meet people.

  4. Learn something new everyday. Whether you are learning that new language, taking a computer science course online, or freelance writing for vice, make it a point to learn something new and expand your knowledge. your future you will appreciate it and you will feel a sense of accomplishment.

  5. Exercise. You've read all about why this is important, but it also increases your testosterone levels and adds free testosterone to your body (this is what actually affects your moods - the free testosterone). There aren't many other ways to get this other than exercise, sex, and a very select few supplements.

  6. Get very good at one thing. This goes back to #3, but it can be anything. It can be your current job, or a job you would like to get. Just because you can't get a job doesn't mean you can't work towards bettering yourself for that position. Want a sales position? Go work for that Kirby Vaccuum company to improve your cold approach. While not the best advice, it certainly can't hurt. This is applicable to EVERY field.

There's plenty more where that came from, but it's a start. And do not skimp on #1. If you take anything away from this post, do #1. True motivation comes from what you believe in. And you cannot draw from that unless you know and define what you believe in.

[–]drqxx20 points21 points  (8 children) | Copy

[–]lcville100[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Funny, because TRP led me here to BaM. It's a good subreddit, but you're not allowed to post questions as a noob

[–]yaknowhat10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

Did you try /r/asktrp?

[–][deleted] -3 points-3 points | Copy

[permanently deleted]

[–]drqxx9 points10 points  (4 children) | Copy

You should do your homework. Furthermore douche bags get the girls. I dont like it either. Nor did I write the rules. However it works. It works, it works.

[–]shimlock_holmes5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Its not so much about being a douche as it is being confident. I have been applying a christmas break worth of The Red Pill to my college situation and I cannot believe how incredible it worked. After breaking up with my girlfriend in November, I have returned to college to get over 30 new numbers (guys and girls). What is even crazier is the fact that the confidence helps in all aspects of life. I get asked to come to shows, get my drinks paid for by girls, and even got asked to be an intern at a significant company. Having the right mindset when the opportunity comes is key, The Red Pill provides you with the tools to help you recognize when it is approaching.

The Red Pill is not so much understanding how to get girls but to understand the fundamental differences between human interactions. This knowledge is highly applicable to any social exchange. It has almost as much of an impact as reading the "Art of War" or "The Prince".

[–][deleted] 3 points3 points | Copy

[permanently deleted]

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for the reply. I used to have very lofty goals actually. I was quite ambitious. But when I said I took many huge hits to my self-esteem, I mean that I failed at many of my goals, and now I feel like I'm a broken man. I want to regain my manhood!

[–]xiko0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I suppose you learn a lot of things while trying to get these goals. That is useful information when trying new ones.

[–]hringmisual2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Fucking listen to this interview (it's 2 hours), no seriously. He does not bullshit. you might even want to try the drug he talked about though I have no personal experience with it

http://soundcloud.com/manosphereradio/mr018-goodlookingloser

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That guy sounded so fratty/bro-ey haha. But he makes a lot of good points. I'm definitely considering trying Kratom. I've also thought about other drugs too, like Provigil and Alpha Brain. Nothing to lose, only the world to gain.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

  1. Work out: Start martial arts, like boxing, start doing crossfit, or something else fostering self esteem and masculinity with a community. Go there often, make friends.

  2. As people have said. Read "No more Mr. Nice Guy."

  3. Install a program like the "Selfcontrol" app for mac, and block youtube and all other distractions for 9 hours a day. Delete all the video games.

  4. You are in college, that is what you do, look at this as your job. Step it up, get good grades. Get better, get good!

  5. Step up your diet. Stop eating crap, soon you will feel better.

  6. Keep an ongoing to do-list. I recommend bulletjournaling (googleit). Follow it. Get stuff done.

  7. Fuck what your friends think of you. They'll like you better when you are not trying to make them like you. If they don't, they weren't good friends anyways.

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Solid advice. One of my biggest problems is thinking about other people's thoughts of me. It's a terrible habit, and I need to reprogram my brain to learn how to live in the moment.

[–]SneakyTouchy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You need to understand what's going on with you before you start worrying about how to fix it. You have some kind of social anxiety, and there are many types. Research it and study.

A big clue to your problem is feeling awkward, seeking validation from others by directly asking them. Why do you worry what they think? What someone thinks is not something you can predict, and does nothing but hurt you to try guessing. Where you might think you're coming off awkward, they might actually find you very funny/interesting. Same works for the opposite. You can make a really clever joke only for it to fly over their heads.

It might help getting used to meeting new people. It will give you a door allowing you to gravitate towards people who find you more interesting, and get away from those assholes you keep trying to get validation from. You're in college. Club hop. Sit in different spots in class. Steal seats. Introduce yourself.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

worship yourself

[–][deleted] 2 points2 points | Copy

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[–]lcville100[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's crazy, I thought weed was what was ruining my life, so I quit smoking about a month into getting my old job. Turns out that it was my porn addiction, combined with my pure hedonistic laziness that drove me to watch youtube videos all day instead of studying. It was addiction to instant gratification and pleasure in general. I'm working on it, and I'm seeing some slight progress. I guess I just gotta keep pushing and be patient.

[–]Carbone0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Internet produce the same dopamine release as the porn

[–]fastmonkey1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Check out the book "How to Win Friends and Influence people" by Dale Carnegie. "The Slight Edge" by Jeff Olson is also really good.

I was going through exactly what you're going through a couple months ago. You have to understand that it isn't something that can be fixed overnight, you have to work at it consistently. But yea man check out those books, they really helped me.

[–]numbers3281 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

start working out and sleeping enough on a consistent basis. that's the easiest way to start.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I just checked that out, he's got a unique perspective on meditation. I never tried meditation, but I'll give it a shot now. Nothing to lose.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Best thing in my opinion is that you know you are a loser right now. Most people don't figure that out until way later in life. Knowing what you don't want that is 50% of the battle. Now you just need to find your new passion. You know how to do this you did it with wrestling. Life is about falling down and getting back up again then falling down and getting back up again etc..... We have to Dig Deep to get inside and find the passion and person we want to be. You know how to Dig Deep from wrestling you got this bro.

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're right, I do know how to dig deep. I feel like I was in a cloudy fog for the past few months, and the fog is starting to clear up. Like I was in a coma of some sort, pretending everything was OK. I gotta be passionate about my studies, so I can finish school and get a job that I'll actually like. I gotta be passionate about myself so that I can be awesome and get friends and girls that I like.

I'm going to be "wisely selfish" as ForPony commented below. It's MY life!

[–]FinnianWhitefir0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You don't say anything that you actually do. When I was depressed and had nothing to contribute in conversations I realized it was because I wasn't enthusiastic about anything and just played video games every night to waste away the time, and didn't have anyone who I would talk to about that.

Queue some therapy and actually doing things, and I took a 2 week trip to Ireland, my first adult vacation, just rented a car and drove around the island. Met a ton of people, did a lot of stuff, did whatever I felt like doing at that particular moment. Then I had a lot to say, people wanted to talk to me, and I was saying things that were interesting.

So take a vacation somewhere you always wanted to go, find actual hobbies and events you want to do, do something interesting and people will be interested in you.

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've always wanted to go to Columbia... Hottest women on the planet IMO.

[–] points points | Copy

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[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for the uplifting reply. Sorry you had to go through an ugly divorce, I can't imagine how draining that must be. It puts things into perspective though, my life isn't that bad, I'm probably exaggerating all of my anxieties.

[–]ibluminatus0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You have to get back up and keep trying. The ways that worked for me were expanding my social circle outside of the same old group of friends, keeping my chin at a normal level(about 90degrees angle to the ground) and looking at people, in the eye, as I entered rooms or passed through places. It was the small things really helped me boost my confidence and self esteem. When it comes to small talk, ask questions. Thanks to youtube and your video games you should be a good listener and observer. If they're approaching you with a something to talk about ask questions about the story or focus of what they're talking about, if you have something related to the discussion it bring it up. You seem like you really want to get to know people and be sociable and that's probably the most important part of all of this.

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It absolutely is the most important part of all of this. I have so many cringe-worthy moments haunting me in my past, and I don't want to get that feeling of embarrassment anymore. I think my brain is protecting me by forcing me to stay quiet and avoid eye contact so that I don't make a fool out of myself by either saying something stupid/weird/strange or staring at someone too long in a creepy way. Maybe my brain thinks it's better to be perceived as awkward or shy than to be perceived as weird and publicly ridiculed/laughed at.

Is it just a matter of getting practice and developing my social skills, or is there more to it?

[–]ibluminatus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That's the gist of it, courage won the battle against my anxiety. I'm in college myself and when someone asked me to do a pageant, I did it. When someone was needed to give details at an organization meeting or I was required to speak after I became president of an org even though I was terrified and I stuttered and stammered over time it got better...It took about 2 years before I realized I was totally over my social anxiety, but only about 6 or so months when I made my focus on getting rid of it. The last time it reared its head was last November the feeling of terror died down when the thought "They may judge you, they may not. Either way it isn't going to kill you" truly had meaning after I left an interview. Bro your journey will probably be different from the one I made, the best suggestion I can give is don't give up on yourself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Regular meditation should take care of your nervousness and confidence, so you can keep your cool in whatever situation.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Third and Final Edit: I will finish this point in more detail, and edit it if anyone is going to read it. If anyone out there wants me to finish this post let me know.

Foreword post typing: written hastily, have to catch a bus, don't down vote for grammar please. If you think its shit, then you think its shit, but I had to write in a matter of moments to get to work on time, thank you.

Alright, I am going to word this very carefully to try to perfectly articulate my point so bear with me here. I really do hope you see this...

I am a people person. I am blessed to have real friends, drinking friends, smoking friends, partying friends, thinking friends, reading friends, pool friends, poker friends, video game friends, bar friends, friends of friends, fake friends, rich friends, poor friends, tough friends, you name it I've got it.

Guess what man....? It does not mean anything with your current mindset. As long as you keep placing so much value on these people's perception of you, any "people skills" you do acquire/display will not be real people skills. You will be manipulating/entertaining people into validating your existence...they will figure it out after awhile. Not explicitly all of them, but people will get a weird feeling from you.

Oh, yeah you don't hang out with those shitty friends anymore. Don't cold shoulder them, you are not pathetically passive-aggressive. Just stop calling them, they text you just say hey whats up man I have plans. Or I'm busy man. Human interaction is important, but going a month or two without constantly being around people will not kill you, and you will see why.

You need to stop seeking validation through other people's perception of you. You are an ex-athlete, so for now you need to regain control of your self worth. You need to shift the source of your self worth from an external source you have no control over (these peoples' perception of you), to an internal locus of control (proper diet and exercise). Once you make this shift then you can move on to the next phase. This mindset shift will allow you to be okay with doing your own thing. Soon you will see how awesome doing your own thing is.

Now comes the fun part, once you regained some sense of control, you might still be feeling kind of lonely. Thats human you are not perfect, you are still going to want to be validated by your peers that is normal and healthy. You are going to have to suppress that for the time being. Start doing things you want to do, within reason. When you have free time think what do I want to do, if the answer is PMO, or feel sorry for yourself you are missing the point. When your brain gives you that answer you laugh, and remind yourself you don't participate in weak ass bullshit anymore, and then get a real answer. Its okay to just watch a movie or listen to music if thats what you want to do. Clean your house if you are bored and can't think of anything, go for a walk read a book it gets better I promise.

Once you are comfortable around yourself it is time to get some new friends, which isn't hard do it the same way you got the old ones except get better ones this time. Join a new club, go to a sports bar and play pool, hang out in the student union, talk to people from class, ask a girl in class if she wants to study for the next test (at the library don't be creepy, and when you go there actually study so you are not awkward at first). If you change your mindset this way the friends you make and the relationships you have will be authentic.

P.S. No time to edit this was written very hastily I need to catch a bus and get to work. I had to type this out for him, I can somewhat relate. Thankfully never jobless, will explain how I have managed to do so when I get to work and have computer access again.

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

This is great advice, I need to definitely stop hanging out with those "friends" and continue building myself up. I'm on week 4 of NoFap, and it's getting really REALLY tough, but I'm determined. I've changed my diet completely, I'm getting more strict on what I put in my body, and I'm working out 5 days a week now. I've also started taking Kratom pills to help with the anxiety today, and so far it seems like it's working! (though it might be placebo). I read No More Mr Nice Guy, and that book changed how I think about myself. I'm thinking about reading it again when I have more free time.

A few things I'm still fucking up is that I'm still smoking cigarettes and I'm still not studying and I'm barely getting my homework done in time. I'm still not paying attention in class because I find myself thinking about my problems (especially my anxiety).

So how have you managed to keep a job? What about shitty jobs that just drain your soul? I'm looking for a job for when I graduate, and I'd appreciate any tips for finding the right job for my personality and skillset... Thanks a lot man.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Shitty jobs that drain your soul are the absolute best. They are shitty jobs meant to absolutely drain your soul, why the fuck do you care? Show up do your job have some pleasant conversations when you can and force a smile on your face. Not an obnoxious cheesy smile, just a genuine slight grin. And when I'm feeling bored I just start playing music in my head and jam out. Shitty jobs are fun because you are expected to do your job and then go home. How you do that is up to you, you can sulk and let people walk all over you, or you can wink at the world. If someone starts giving you shit, just say this, Hold on I am getting a manager. Or Would you like me to get a manager, I am not authorized to fulfill such and such request. If someone is yelling at you over something stupid remind yourself their life must be infinitely pathetic and just laugh to yourself. You look down on them like you should, if someone is being a grown child and throwing a hissy fit laugh at them in your head. You can't treat them like such, but why get angry. Like I said earlier only you can control your actions if someone is acting like a silly goose just put a shit eating grin on your face and don't take it personally just apologize and get a manager. If you are working a soul eating job and fuck up, you are probably not gonna get fired unless you are a fuck up. Don't be a fuck up stop day dreaming about how miserable you are and just focus on the task at hand, no matter how below you it is make a game of it, do it to perfection.

I suggest a job where you stock shelves, and work a cash register I feel as if this will help you practice social skills. It will be slightly awkward at first but remind yourself you are on a college campus, half the people are weird as fuck, the other half are high as fuck so don't worry so much. People have real problems, when I hit real lows I remind myself I am blessed to be able to be in a situation where I can focus on improving myself and not survival. I remind myself that in some countries people are thrown into jail for not having done anything wrong. I also remind myself that it will be worth it, if in five years you do everything listed here and work on yourself and you say to yourself, wow the past five years were a real waste I really wish I was miserable not working on myself instead. If in five years from now you come back here and say to me hey Siamo_eterni you are a real piece of shit, I wasted the past five years trying to better myself I wish I just jerked off for five years instead, then I will eat my words here.

Thats why im telling you to get a job outside of your comfort zone, other people exist in the world get used to it, dont worry most of them suck. Start figuring out what you are interested in, truly interested in. Get out there try shit listen to new music, watch new movies doodle, do anything man. Learn how to play a song on the guitar just to prove to yourself you can.

Fuck getting a job where you squirrel away and don't talk to anyone man. And I am going to be blunt with you here man, when you get really down, really really down man remind yourself... (I fucking hate cliches and hate myself for using one but fuck it; yes this is from far cry 3 sue me I'm illustrating a point) The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting something different to happen. Everywhere you look you see people doing the same thing over and over saying no, no, no this time will be different...Fuck That.

The question I have for you is:

Do you want to be better knowing it will be worth it? or Do you want to keep jerking off being miserable?

It is a very simple choice half the battle is waking up and showing up. I smoke cigarettes to I am working on quitting now and it is tough, but it is possible. Although based on the transitions you are going through I would not suggest it.

Also about your grades, It is easier to just show up and do your work then to live with the regret and misery of fucking up. Doing schoolwork is a great way to get lost, and have an escape from social anxiety.

As far as a job when you graduate, what is your major?

[–]lcville100[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm a math major, but I also took a lot of computer programming classes. Honestly, after reading what you just posted, I'd be happy with any job once I graduate. Ideally I'd like a programming job, but I also love working with people (as in the public, not working with teammates). I'm not sure what exactly my career should be, but I've taken a lot of quizzes and surveys, and sometimes I get results like engineer or programmer or technical writer, but sometimes I also get results along the lines of artist or creative writer. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do in life, because I'm not sure what I'm good at, you see I am kind of a jack of all trades, but at the same time I can master anything if I put in enough work and effort. I'm just not putting in the effort towards anything ever since I quit competing in wrestling, maybe because I put so much effort into that when I was in the zone, and came up short of my goals. I was disappointed. I put in so much work, sacrificed so much to be the best that I could be, and it wasn't good enough. I fucking took up smoking cigs, stopped studying, cheated as much as I possibly could, smoked a lot of weed every night, and would spend hours upon hours watching youtube or playing games or jerking off... I'm beginning to think I'm more addicted to instant gratification than PMO particularly.

I'm ashamed to admit this... but I relapsed yesterday. I was high and I randomly got a craving... and I wound up PMO'ing after 4 weeks of being strong. I justified it in my head, and told myself it'll be ok, and that my confidence and success in life is not necessarily linked to PMO, rather it's in how I react to it. Now I'm back to square one.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You need to break this mindset, taking tests to find out what your first job should be? No, you have it all wrong. You should read Emerson's self reliance, what do you want to do. Seriously what the fuck do you want to do. No really what do you want to do, go to an office sit down and program, or what? What the fuck are you going to do? Its not hard to figure out, sit down and write down jobs you can see yourself doing/hate the least. Get a resume, and just start sending it out, or don't! Guess what man, after you graduate you have six months before you have to start paying loans. You can just fucking hang out and work a menial job if you want, do an internship anything. Get a resume together and hit some career fairs. It sounds hard but the hardest part of life is just showing up.

As far as the PMO thing man still you gotta lighten up a bit, jerkin off is normal man just keep it to like once a week. The reason you seek instant gratification is because right now you are unhappy, your mind doesn't like dealing with that so instead you do mindless tasks.

[–]afcpoop0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Become a bar tender at night

[–]slomotionhighscore-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hey, so glad I could invest some of time in helping you out. The doubt worm analogy came out of nowhere and I've found it very helpful myself.

Although eventually you sound like having a man to man talk is something you want to do, I believe your instinct to give it some time will help immensely. The best way to clear a muddy lake is to leave it alone.

We often react with the right intentions without ever taking the time to give things space. If being around him always puts you in the position of feeding doubt then it's best to hold off on that.

Your friend represents a great opportunity for growth. A big part of being a man is earning respect and the only way that happens is when and if you respect yourself. (same formula works for love btw)

What action can you do this week that makes you respect yourself? Could be as simple as brushing your teeth with the other hand or as serious as calling someone up and forgiving them of whatever.

Feeling like a loser has so much to do with the illusory weight of the past forcing itself into the present. The analogy of weight is important because you're actively carrying it around.

Don't beat yourself up over looking at erotic photos. Sexuality is outrageously interesting and tits exist to inspire reverence and joy so it's tough to look away. Just be aware of what you are doing. Notice what you are feeling. What is happening is that you'll begin to find yourself wanting to use your time for other things that build confidence. Just because we have unlimited access to whatever type of woman we want to see in whatever position we can think of doesn't mean it's worth wasting time on it. It's SO much more interesting IRL that you're right to feel embarrassed by the activity. Do something else, something that makes you not feel embarrassed / ashamed, the doubt worms love those two feelings!

You say that you want to wait to become a man before talking with him. I want to be clear in letting you know that the man you 'will be' is the man you are. We're all in the process of identifying the things that do not suit us. My point is that becoming a man is not the quest for the holy grail. It is not a treasure to be won, it feels to me at least a lot more like pruning a bonsai tree.

You are already the tree. You ARE a man and the only traveling you should be doing to find him is just a few steps away from yourself so you can study how to take a good look at the parts of yourself that do not befit the man within you.

We falsely attach the idea of a quest as if being a man has a destination point. Do not buy a ticket to this train of thought as it can create unnecessary anxiety. Think of New York City... do you think there will ever be a time when we say, 'okay! we did it, it's all finished! New York is finally done. No more changes forever."

Do you see how comical that is? Now think of a man with his multitudes, he is the one responsible for the city in the first place. No, being a man is never going to be a destination where you get a piece a paper and a smack on the face. Becoming a man requires no journey outside of oneself. It is an investigative exploration of what makes you tick, of what makes you want and of what you want.

You are shedding the parts of you that you can survive without. The parts of you that should in all truth, be disregarded. It's all practice, ALL of it.

You see, you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. You are accepted. You are invited by everyone to do anything. You are invited for all time.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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