A year ago, my life changed drastically via divorce. I was extremely overweight, had no self-confidence, low self-esteem, and was timid, fearful, lazy, and very emotional. As I write this I vividly remember the way I looked at myself in the mirror a year ago, the way I walked through my empty, soon-to-sold house and how I interacted with people. I never made eye contact. I walked like a sad-sack, shoulders slumped forward, a giant sulking baby. I felt like a ghost, walking through a house that used to be my castle and became my prison. I was alone a lot. Often, by choice. I didn’t want people to see that I couldn’t hang. When I did see my friends for support, I was a bawling mess, a pitiful blubbering child. I lived on auto-pilot in several ways. I went to work but wasn’t really there (my boss should have fired me; I was “unproductive” to say the least). I started going to the gym but it seemed pointless; I was so badly out of shape that I couldn’t conceive of anything I changed making a difference.

My friends and family were there for me. One of my friends, “Sam” probably helped me more than any other person. He let me move in with him, despite never having been in a roommate situation with me before. He helped me feel normal again by essentially ignoring the present and focusing on the future. He convinced me that the hard work would pay off but I would have to keep going for a long time before I saw that pay off. He modeled success for me. He didn’t do it in a bragging way; he simply lived and acted like a man should act. Authoritative. Action-oriented. In excellent physical shape. Stylish and well-liked by women. A smile and ease which made me give pause. …I had seen that smile and ease before.

Once I was standing in a long line at the airport, fat and sweaty, waiting for a security check. I was lumpy, uncomfortable, my clothes were ill fitting and coated in sweat, and I knew that in a moment I would get even sweatier when I had to rush to strip down and then put everything back on and back in my bag. I had to have been scowling as I stood there. Then I saw this guy. He was ahead of me, already going through the checkpoint. He had the same smile and ease as Sam. He looked like he didn’t have a care in the world, like he knew he was the shit and some silly little airport checkpoint was not even a blip on his radar. He was the happy wanderer that Tony Soprano spoke of. And in that moment, I hated him and envied him with all of my breath. He was tall and lean, handsome, dressed well in clothes that fit him and had the cocksure stride of a man who knows he is doing his thang. Sometimes it’s called swagger, or confidence, or game. I wanted what that man had. Not just being thin. I wanted to know what it was like to smile like that. I knew every single man like me in that line was staring at him with wonder, envy and hatred. I saw a few of them. But that dude saw our twisted faces and did not give a shit one way or the other if we were smiling or scowling at him, because he truly wasn’t affected by it.

Today I know that smile. Today I know that ease. I literally get checked out so often it has lost meaning, where before every time a girl flipped her hair or did a double take made me beam with self-confidence. Now that confidence is internalized. I regularly get dirty looks and scowls from both men and women (mostly uggos, all of them haters). I remember that man in the airport in moments like that. And I do what he did: Smile. I smile because the people who look at me and judge me have no idea who I am or what I have been through. They only see what is in front of them and for that I can’t blame them. I also don’t have the time or interest to explain that I was overweight for my entire fucking life and finally, for this one moment, I have something that I have wanted all my life and never thought I could have because I always believed I was a loser and didn’t deserve it.

I smile for my heavy friends who i believe can change for the better but right now still think like I used to, who sabotage themselves like I did for years (and still try to do sometimes to me, dammit). I smile for my family who can’t believe I am smiling again after seeing me sad for so long. But most off all I smile for myself. Because no matter how much Sam helped me, no matter how many words of encouragement he gave, I did it myself. And no one can ever take that away from me. I did something that to most people is impossible. But it is very possible. You just need to believe in yourself. If you don’t have that, then fake it til you make it. It works guys. It’s cheesy but it works. If you have trouble believing in yourself, believe in action. Remember that the world remembers people who act more often than armchair critics. Realize that YOU are the only one keeping score of why you are a loser and should remain a loser. The world needs strong men. The world needs heroes. Rise up and become what you were born to be. Take action and watch the results. Get beyond our cultural expectation for instant gratification, instant results. Weight loss is a battle. Self-improvement is a battle. Being a man is a never-ending job. Settle in for the long haul and get to work.