Hey, guys. Now, I'm just going to start this off pretty simply, and I'm going to attempt to write this with as much brevity as I can muster. Firstly, I'm not bluepill. When it comes to the state of men in society, I've already taken the red on that one. Personally, though, I am very much immature and beta, and it's been a struggle I've been having for years. Eventually, I suppose I had just gotten used to the idea that the struggle was going to be something that I'd have to live with and accept.

Big mistake number one. Unfortunately, I was lying to myself so hard that I didn't even realize I was doing it. The other day (what, like three days ago now?), my friend commented to me that I was probably depressed. He and I are practically inseparable, and on occasion we talk deep enough that it hurts. It's when the idea of me being depressed came up, and it's when I realized that I was pretty fucked up, lifewise.

Again, brevity. I'm a big guy (5''6', ~245 lbs) and I've always been this way. Every attempt I've had at changing this has ended in resounding failure, and I might get back up on the wagon a few months later. Romantically, I've only ever had one girlfriend. It was a comedy of errors on my part, and it barely lasted a few months. It was fun (albeit non-sexual) while it lasted, but it left me with some deep regrets that I still beat myself up over to this day (about two years later.)

Now, to the important part. The past few days, I've had some big changes subconsciously.

One: I have no appetite. As in, I could probably go through the entire day and not eat anything, and not be really bothered by it. (Whether or not this information is important, I'm not really sure, but I'll offer up any info for perspective and potential answers.)

Two: Most of the things I used to really enjoy (video gaming, eating, interactive literature) are really, really not doing anything for me. As in; I could probably partake, but I'm not even sure I'd enjoy it that much. I'm being told that I should just accept the silver linings as I can get them, but that isn't the kind of guy I am. It's still concerning me.

Three: Stupid existential bullshit. So, I'm having to come to grips that I'm a 23 year old fat guy who doesn't have any direction, and I'm basically a total loser. Instead of doing what people would normally do and wallow in self pity or eat a bullet, I'm attempting to move myself forward from this position, albeit overly cautiously. I'm inching my way toward taking control, I feel like, but it's never happened like this.

I'm not entirely sure what else to put here. I'm obviously dissatisfied with where I was, and I'm not entirely sure where I'm going. I just know it'll be better. Just in case that the changes I've described above (if you managed to read down here, congratulations) aren't working, I've decided to restart a prescription of ADHD medication called Vyvanse that I haven't taken in probably 4-5 years. The idea behind this action is that I'm going to take the medicine (which gives me clarity, kills my appetite, and hopefully channels my motivation and energy) until I'm in a position where a more mindful me will be able to take the reins and get me to where I've always wanted to be: an awesome guy that everyone loves, successful enough to support myself, with a great sex life on the side, if not having a girlfriend who is as open-minded and trusting as I am.

So, if you've read this, thanks, and if you are willing to give advice, I really, really do appreciate it. If you've actually managed to read this far, once more, I congratulate you. I'll admit, I lay my writing down a little thick, but that's just the kind of person I am.