Ex is trying to contact me again. How do I proceed

[deleted] · 2014-04-19T11:21:00+00:00

Her being happy angers you? Cognitive reframing needed.

She is showing anxiety, and wanting you to relieve that anxiety. She is using a "catch and release" strategy, contacting you again and again. Whatever your action, she needs to know she's unimportant, and you if you contact her its on a whim.

You need to move on if there is no hope of the relationship going forward - and I think there is very little hope of that. And a friend-with-benefits arrangement is not in your interests.

deville05 · 2014-04-19T20:37:50+00:00

/u/Devvils well that part is how I felt say during the first 6-7 months after the separation. its going to be 2 years in some months and I dont feel that sort of anger anymore. But when I see her mail.. I suppose it catches me off guard and makes me a little nervous. to be honest what I feel for those 5 seconds when I open my mail and see her email, I cant describe.. I dont have a word for it. But it is the opposite of calm. I cant seem to concentrate on doing something else unless I see whats written in there. its not because I am expecting anything or have feelings for her. I dont. and Immediately I also feel like "what the fuck?! why did I feel like that?!" There IS no hope of a relationship or going forward. I have moved on. Even if there was I would not entertain it. for all thats said and done, I am glad Im not with her. and like I said FWB is probably not going to happen and I am not interested in being friends or fucking her on a regular basis. If it happened once I might go for it. But Im pretty sure Ill lose interest.

/u/PepeLePill I did all that within a couple of month after we broke up. I dont have her number saved, she is blocked off my facebook, I deleted all the text history. she might be on my gchat or something, but I never go on chat. I ll see the residuals and delete them too. but I dont think theres is anything to worry about there seeing that I have never tried to contact her. even on my worst day. I dont pine for her, secretlly wish that we were together, none of that pussy shit. I dont drunk dial either. But I cant erase her phone number from my memory. I have always rememberd by close friend's phone numbers and I just have a good memory when it comes to these things. But she doesnt know that and I will definitely remember to use the "who is this?" If she calls or texts.. say 6 months or a year from now. it cant work now.

anyways do you guys know how I should respond to her? Ignore or answer? /u/toysjoe thinks I should ignore and I have already been doing that. I just wanted to know if thats the best that I can do or is there more?

/u/KyfhoMyoba sshe dumped me. we were in and rocky LD LTR for 5-6 years. she dumped me for a guy she started having feelings for about 7 days. I dont blame her for that. I was more alpha when I started and over time just pussied out and got into a comfort zone. time and again I had displayed my vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I dont blame myself either. it was just how most boys grow up without guidance. I was young and no one taught me better. anyway I suppose I felt like I did so much for her and felt I deserved better. It was wrong on my part to set myself up for expectations. Anyways it a long story. this should suffice.

PepeLePill · 2014-04-19T13:22:31+00:00

After this barrage of bullshit is done from her, delete all available ways to contract her. No Facebook, no phone number, no text history. Nothing. 2 things will happen at this point...

1 she never contacts you again, (considering how she still affects your frame, this may be a viable option)

2 she does contract you again (in which case, you have forgotten that the random number is her, and ask the greatest question to damage her ego... "Who is this?"

In either case, you are changing your relationship with her to something more healthy. She is killing your frame, and no woman should have that power. And that's all she is, just a woman. Not a snowflake, not a delicate flower. Ask yourself this question, "What's the point of improving yourself, if some chick can destroy your frame?"

KyfhoMyoba · 2014-04-19T13:52:09+00:00

What are the circumstances of the break up? Who dumped who and why?

dai_xinyi_boxer · 2014-04-20T01:14:00+00:00

tell her "go fuck yourself" then start ignoring

iamamoron42 · 2014-04-20T02:41:46+00:00

I just registered as I thought my contribution here might be helpful as I did not see this mentioned. From what little you've mentioned here, this is a typical Hoovering maneuver (aka "relationship recycling"), where the reconnect messages are as simple as "hi! how are you doing? I hope you're doing fine". Search "Hoover maneuver" on the interwebs.

"Please reply. you can shout and scold me as much as you want but please reply" This especially feels like she just wants to elicit a response, good or bad, which validates her feeling that she is still able to exert control over you. I've seen that the girls try to get you to respond "badly" if you are not giving her any form of the "good" validation. Essentially, like the other posters have mentioned, being stoic, unemotional & indifferent to her "mindgames" is the best response! The right hand "Good Link" section specifically [shrink4men](http:\www.shrink4men.com) has a lot of related articles. Also specifically about your question, you'll find a lot of information here on the [psychforums](http:\www.psychforums.com\narcissistic-personality). For ex look at the following threads: http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic138713.html http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic138556.html http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic47059.html

Note: Please note that I am not in any way suggesting that your ex is narcissistic. That's only a job for the certified psychiatrist.

rebuildingMyself · 2014-04-20T06:24:16+00:00

Attention. She's not getting any (or not enough) so is coming back to you. She'll take a verbal beating from you rather than get no attention. I'd honestly tell her to stop calling you and to move on.

toysjoe · 2014-04-19T14:34:19+00:00

Keep ignoring.

Title	Ex is trying to contact me again. How do I proceed
Author	deville05
Upvotes	3
Comments	14
Date	April 19, 2014 10:56 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/23ffru/ex_is_trying_to_contact_me_again_how_do_i_proceed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/ex-is-trying-to-contact-me-again-how-do-i-proceed.139442 https://theredarchive.com/post/139442