It took 26 months and tens of thousands of dollars to get more custody of my kids, and it looks like I have a good chance of getting primary custody from my crazy ex-wife.

A few tips on how I did it:

  1. Accept the fact that you are at the mercy of a judge. It's bullshit that the state has such a say in your role as a father once the divorce button is pressed, but fighting that reality will only get your ass handed to you.

  2. Go above and beyond to show that you are the cooperative parent and that you are the one who have the best interests of the kids in mind. That doesn't mean that you should let yourself get pushed around by your ex or cave into her every decision. Stand up to her whenever it is necessary, but make sure that you are not acting against the best interests of the kids or giving her ammo to show you to be unreasonable or vindictive. If there is a judge's recommendation or something mentioned in a social study, get on top of it immediately, even if you think it is bullshit or completely unnecessary. A lot of judges have varying degrees of the "God complex" and will quickly make things worse for your situation if you do not. The goal, again, is to show that you are the parent who is "playing ball."

  3. Document everything. I mean EVERYTHING. The only time I communicate with my ex is related to the kids, and I insist that everything be in writing. Every email is saved. Every text message is saved. Every voice mail that she has left me is saved. It is an uphill battle for men in the family court, and if everything is left to "he said, she said," then more often than not, "she said" will prevail. Have a record of every exchange, and flag every one where she is being verbally abusive or slanderous, or putting the kids in the middle or using them as pawns.

  4. If your ex is a crazy bitch like mine, let her hang herself. In the end, it was not expert legal maneuvering on my attorney's part that got me a victory. It was just standing back and letting her show her true colors to the court. She went down in flames due to being caught in lies time and again on the stand, and in proudly owning her attacks on me. I didn't have to do anything but give her the opportunity to be the bitch she is on the stand, while I came off as the one who harbors no ill will and just wants what is best for my kids. Even the most mother-friendly judge will have a hard time justifying a ruling against the father under those circumstances.

  5. Lastly,take a long view of things. It will be a long process, likely much longer than you anticipate. There will be setbacks. In my case, there were TRO's filed against me and false police reports made alleging physical abuse of my kids. She was even coaching them to lie about it. A couple of times, I did not see my kids for several weeks. It would have been easy for me to get enraged and lash out at my ex for all of that, but remembering the end goal kept me from doing something that she could have twisted against me in court. I lost those weeks, but in the end I was victorious.

Any specific questions? Ask away. I will answer anything that doesn't compromise my identity or that of my kids.