I smoked some weed and while I was high, I had one of the most important epiphanies one can have. The root of most of my problems is a really deep fear of abandonment due to an almost non existent mom and dad. Both very young, narcissistic and stupid, I was raised by my grandmother.

Today I have a crippling fear of live and die alone, fear of abandonment that made me unconsciously repel most of the people of my live, I am really introverted, analytical. I live on my own world and rarely let anyone get in and they almost always disappoint me. I have been sabotaging all my relationships since always, resulting in a lonely and miserable 23yo. I have only a few friends really dependent on them to go out and have fun.

I find really hard to connect to people, I fear rejection like the devil fear the cross. I aways find a way to sabotage my relationships with friends, family, girls.

It's something new to me, I never had looked at it like that before, don't know how to treat this the proper way, need some material to read, some book or something like that that has a RP mentality on how to deal with childhood traumas. Thanks