asked my gf for a bj she said "help yourself out", what is the appropriate response?

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goofgy
March 28, 2016
61 upvotes
askTRP

What have i done wrong and what should I do?


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Title asked my gf for a bj she said "help yourself out", what is the appropriate response?
Author goofgy
Upvotes 61
Comments 73
Date 28 March 2016 04:44 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/162608
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4caya9/asked_my_gf_for_a_bj_she_said_help_yourself_out/
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[–]2comment153 points154 points  (2 children) | Copy

Smile, say "Okay" and leave for the night. Don't take her calls or explain afterwards.

[–]bittr_n_swt27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy

this. Get her hamster spinning for being disrespectful

[–]InscrutablePUA1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

that's it. withdraw attention, go cold, don't give off even a whiff of butthurt though

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper122 points123 points  (18 children) | Copy

Say, "Okay" without a shred of hurt or anger in your voice. Then go leave. Be gone and out of contact for a long time. Don't call or text, don't answer calls or texts.

When you see her again, don't explain anything. Act like nothing happened.

If she asks, make a cryptic remark about how you were surprised she was so open-minded.

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen79 points80 points  (5 children) | Copy

If she asks, make a cryptic remark about how you were surprised she was so open-minded.

My sides. That's going into my library.

[–]PillyQ2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

What does he mean when he says "open minded?"

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

It's tongue in cheek pretending to not having understood her correctly. He suggested that she proposed to go and get the blowjob from somebody else, allowing him to live an open relationship, which of course she didn't mean

This does work on different levels. It is covert communication which women heavily prefer over overt communication and they also understand it better. It shows that you do not let her get away with bullshit. It also puts her hamster into overdrive, since he didn't admit doing anything, but implying it. It is a power-flip taking away her leverage of bargaining. It avoids sounding sulked. It shows you do not guve a shit. It shows that you aren't passive, but active in getting what you want. Etc. Pp.

[–]PillyQ0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I see now. Thanks for explaining that!

Could you please provide some insight on covert communication a little bit? Contradictions in my understanding of it may be a sign of not fully understanding the concept.

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

“Let's just be friends.“ - covert

vs.

“I am not attracted to you.“ - overt

Read: http://therationalmale.com/2011/09/06/the-medium-is-the-message/

[–]PillyQ0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Oh very nice. Thanks!

[–]bonerfleximus22 points23 points  (7 children) | Copy

I tried something like this with my GF and she immediately stopped me to give me what I want. Was that the right move or should I have left anyway?

[–]Mildly_Sociopathic44 points45 points  (0 children) | Copy

As a general rule of thumb, never turn it down.

You applied dread and it worked.

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper37 points38 points  (4 children) | Copy

No, you did it right.

Leaving anyway would have come off as bitter and petty. If you insist on punishing her for refusing sex, you're telling her that refusing sex hurts you... which means it is a scarce commodity to you.

You want to give the impression (without saying it) that you'd rather have sex with her because she's right there, but she says no, it's no big deal, because at moment, there are three to six women waiting and praying for her to say no, so that they can say yes.

[–]bonerfleximus2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks, I find it hard to know when to draw the line sometimes. In another case I went the opposite direction. We were at a bar with my friends and she went to the bathroom, came out to me playing wingman for my friend with a couple girls. First thing I did was introduce her as my gf.

She went off on me later that night thinking I was hitting on them, compared me to her ex saying he'd never do that. I told her I wouldn't tolerate comparisons after the first couple times she did it earlier in the relationship.

She tried to use sex as a apology right there but I just kicked her out and started texting my friend to see what was up with the girls. Didn't do anything with them, but next day I spent with her like nothing happened and she was really insecure for a while after that

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

I find it hard to know when to draw the line sometimes

That's where practice comes in.

The scale is between "not demanding enough, appears weak and unassertive", and "too demanding, appears needy and easily upset".

She went off on me later that night thinking I was hitting on them, compared me to her ex saying he'd never do that. I told her I wouldn't tolerate comparisons after the first couple times she did that, so I told her to leave. She tried to use sex as a apology right there but I just kicked her out

Correct move again.

If you had accepted sex as an apology, you would have been implying that sex was a benefit she gives to you, rather than a mutual activity which is a crucial part of any healthy relationship.

She doesn't "earn" anything by having sex with you apart from sex with you.

Instead, the issue was that she disrespected you by trying to police your behaviour, with the implication that she is an authority over you.

  • Don't punish not doing something (sex). Simply withdraw, implying that if she doesn't do it, someone else will be glad to take her place.
  • Punish doing something (disrespect). Tell her what she did wrong, and dismiss her from your presence. Do not allow her back until she shows contrition.
  • If she does the same thing again after expectations are clear, that's deliberate. That is punished by permanent dismissal, or demotion to plate, without the possibility of being promoted again, ever.

[–]bonerfleximus0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks, this all felt right on an intuitive level but I was uncertain if I was being too heavy handed. She's earned her spot as an ltr so I always feel a bit guilty when I treat her like an upgraded plate, but that's all I know. When you spell it out like that it makes sense

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's earned her spot as an ltr

That means she is level 2 in the Bitch Management Hierarchy.

I always feel a bit guilty when I treat her like an upgraded plate

An LTR is an upgraded plate.

Remember what the reward is for being promoted? It is greater and greater degrees of involvement and direction from you.

This means that you have a responsibility to correct her bad behaviour, and reward her good behaviour. You're in charge, and you can no more allow her to do whatever than you can allow your dog to run wild, tipping over people's garbage. Rewarding and punishing her is not only something you can do, it's something you must do. It's your job.

The fact that she's earned her way to LTR means she gets corrected instead of nexted.

[–]1oldredder6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

if she gives in right away for the bj you take the bj. She has to know the threat is real but she has to know giving the bj is respected.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn, too slow to get this one out.

And since it's just a GF, not a wife or a CL spouse, extra points if you actually can and do go find someone else to suck you.

She didn't shit test you OP, she gave you a call to action. In your head, you should be thanking her for pointing out what you need to do to be happy.

[–]AwryyrwA5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is the most childish thing I have ever read.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Heavy dread. Love it! I'll pocket this for later.

[–]TheReformist940 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She is not upholding her end of the deal.she is also being insolent.this is an overt display of dismissal of her part of the relationship. She could have politley declined if OP was acting beta. I suggest he gets action elsewhere until she upholds her end of the bargain

[–]omgboat11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy

I read this a different way.

She was saying "help yourself," as in take control.

Hard to say with the lack of information.

[–]anti_erection_man2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

True, that was my first thought too. He should try this first before leaving.

[–]Janus_Fawkes2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This was my thought as well. Grip her head like a basketball and get to work.

[–]idgaf-30 points31 points  (8 children) | Copy

Don't bother asking. When things are getting sexual just go "come here" and guide her head down.

And do this with the next girl. This one's done and doesn't respect you. Probably because you're asking for sexual favors.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy

May you suck my dick pleeeaasse?

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

I always use "come here". Works every time.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This comment to the top. You don't ask for anything. It just happens. If she rejects you then you then re-evaluate everything. I don't mean to go fully psycho-nautic on you but she becomes part of your frame, her brain is melded into you, you own the show and you do what you want. I wish the rest of the people replying understood this.

[–]Aweshocked0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Atm my girl gives me head when she tells I want it. However there was one time when I said "Hey, her name, give me head love" and she said gladly and went.

Would you consider this the same as asking? I tried to make the statement imperative.

[–]homelessWOOKIE91 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nope, I do this all the time. You're still guiding and in charge the interaction.

[–]idgaf-1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What you said is not asking, it is indeed a command / imperative.

It's good. Eventually you want to get it where the only communication needed is body language.

[–]Ill_mumble_that1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

body language

It's taken years to perfect, but I've managed to pull off the DX sign to signal its time for oral sex with my women. http://imgur.com/KRRUYuf

Started out with me doing that and them going "wtf is that?" and me going "what did you grow up under a rock?" and then explaining it means "suck it" except I mean literally.

[–]Str8_Pillin31 points32 points  (1 child) | Copy

A girlfriend who doesn't give blowjobs is like buying a car with no radio. Go test drive another

[–]ben0wn4g35 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

A car with no tyres

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon24 points25 points  (2 children) | Copy

"Sure thing, what's your sister's number?"

Seriously, it's time to get more options. You are here because you are "trying to make things work" between you despite her withdrawing sex. In short - she feels she's got you now, and it's turning her off sex.

[–]a_nus 3 points3 points [recovered] | Copy

Yup, and when you're trying to make things work, you fucked up a long time ago.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

One of the lessons I've learned is that if you're making things work, she's lost respect for you and you're in the beta role.

Men can love women who make the effort and look up to and admire them. Women do not respect submission.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

see yourself out

[–]juliusstreicher2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Words rightly spoken.

[–]1oldredder13 points14 points  (2 children) | Copy

appropriate response: "that's my girlfriend's job so I'll find a girlfriend who gives bj's"

[–]juliusstreicher0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

OOOOOOOhhhhh...I LIKE this!

[–]El_Serpiente_Roja0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Doesn't need to get any deeper than this

[–]frerri2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nothing to do on the spot. She should want to...

[–]ItIsMyPrivilege5 points6 points  (8 children) | Copy

Jerk off in front of her then leave

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

The fuck?

[–]ItIsMyPrivilege1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Never done the old "okay I'll just jackoff" move?

[–]juliusstreicher2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Jerk off in front of her, and blast on her clothing.

[–]rpmanwithaquestion7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

On her family photo now that we went this far

[–]GC0W302 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Go big or go home: forehead or hair.

[–]juliusstreicher2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

OK, OK...you're right! Damnit!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is the best response

[–]TheSlicemanCometh1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Why would anyone ask for a BJ?

If you want that, put your dick in her mouth. If she is your girlfriend, she will be turned on by that and oblige. If she resists, then she is not your girlfriend.

Or maybe Im just a fuckin sperg and Im the only one that thinks that way. Works for me at least.

[–]prettyrichboyy2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Or maybe don't do that because it's fucking sexual assault no matter what way you try and rationalise it.

[–]TheSlicemanCometh0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Maybe if a girl goes into your bedroom after being shown clear sexual interest, she wants to be sexually assaulted. Derp.

[–]prettyrichboyy2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

she wants to be sexually assaulted. Derp.

Wow, you really are a piece of shit.

[–]ioncehadsexinapool1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Damnit Deborah, you know I'm not that flexible."

[–]WorkGlove 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy

Shrug and ask her for her sister and/or her best friends phone number. Keep grinning.

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I picture Han Solo doing this.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

r autofellatio

Then tell her your working on it but you could use a hand in the meantime

[–]PantsonFire1234-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't ask for it like that. Best course is to take action. Asking for it can be done if you do it in a coy manner or during flirtation/word play.

"Suck me please" doesn't really evoke tingles.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

"But that's your job baby"

[–]128bitworm-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Yay! Thanks! Bye."

[–]betacuckmanchild-4 points-3 points  (0 children) | Copy

yoga

[–]unlimiteddogs-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Huh? You're boring. Peace out"

[–]Maldek007-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Soft next



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