This revelation (the one between parentheses in the title) blew my mind. Allow me to extrapolate before I seem too ridiculous.
A little over a year ago I was finishing with packing my bags to fly to see family, but a hot guy I'd been talking to on Grindr was in the hood and had a free minute. He came over, smooth tan muscular taller, took his shirt off. As he naturally established dominance and I became submissive to his chiseled body and naturally more aggressive foreplay, I slowly let myself sink into the joy of becoming his plaything.
He stuck his arm around my hips while we were jacking off or kissing and it felt amazing. It made the feeling of warmth and security come out from my chest, which is a lot of fun if you're not too easily attached. Nothing makes a bottom feel more loved than another guy's testosterone-filled, not-necessarily-loving intentions.
But the arm-hip thing is what I thought I loved about that.
At one point I pushed my hand into his bicep for balance and panted, "Do that thing where you stick your arm around my waist again." He was happy to oblige, but as manly and natural as the gesture was, the oxytocin (love chemical) didn't happen again.
Huh? Was it an in-the-moment thing? I'd given myself plenty of time for my flight, so it wasn't stress.
I wasn't a drama king about it; we continued having sex and he deliciously came all over me, and my come followed his right after; the come looked like a father eel taking a dive and his baby eel following suit (lol). Semen famously has mixed reviews, but when you're into the dominant guy, you want it like Gogurt, and a dominant guy who's into you wants to splooge his all over in/you; none of this polite nonsense of coming out of sight into condoms (EDIT: use condoms for ass-fucking; I meant in terms of mutual masturbation, strapping on a condom is something people who aren't mutually attracted do). After our breath settled, his bigger, darker hand gently grabbed mine and he guided it around my ripply torso, and it was the first time I massaged another guy's seed into mine. If you want to fill a bottom with that love chemical (oxytocin) and get him ready for round two, that's how.
During that shag or another, I realized it wasn't just in themselves his hand clasping my hip or him massaging our come that brought my body chemistry to life, but his masculine desire to do those things that was so hot about the experience.
His desire to hold me and have me belong a little more to him during a sloppy kiss.
The desire in his eyes as he scanned my body and rubbed himself out on me.
His desire to fertilize me with his seed, so I would symbolically bring his young to bear.
What this specific kind of desire consists of: 1) it's masculine/assertive/dominant 2) it's exactly how he likes it
I always like it when he, the masculine, does what he wants with me, the feminine. His act of satisfying himself with me is my own victory.
THIS REQUIRES SOMEONE DESIRING TO BE THE EPITOME OF MASCULINITY TO ALWAYS BE FAMILIAR AND INCREDIBLY AWARE OF HIS DESIRE.
It's a flame inside you; it's not you.
I was able to replicate this with a French boy who had the pleasure of riding me one evening; I was 'top' and he was 'bottom', no penetration.
The experience of being great at being masculine during sex is that you do exactly what you want. That doesn't mean you brainstorm and choose at random instead of someone else choosing for you; it means you have to be in touch with that fire that has a mind of its own.
During sex with Pierre (his real name, not being fresh), I remember never knowing what I was going to do next until I was doing it, as if I were watching myself act. My eyes were glazed over because my consciousness was in my belly and balls; he was looking at me expectantly and wanting to please, a little afraid from my gaze that I would say at any moment, "let's not." I remember how delicious, veiny, smooth, and innocent his throat looked. I spent a good three minutes chewing it all raw, and made it familiar with my dick, while he helplessly tried to land his mouth on my penis, while I made sure that didn't happen until I wanted it to. Later I had fun pressing my dick on parts of him that were hot (to me) and like they could take a shot of seed. ("Oh mai got...oh mai got...")
The sensation of banging a masculine guy who's following his fire, and being the lucky feminine guy who is the means to which the 'top' can execute and explore his fire, is a holy experience for the 'bottom.'
The feminine (the bottom) wants to feel desired in the most authentic way that someone's masculine fire (the top) expresses that desire. That's it.
During one of my first experiences as a top, I thought I was fucking this guy until I realized I wasn't inside of him. He said "I didn't tell you because I don't like getting penetrated, but I like feeling dominated." (He likes feeling a guy's firey desire for him, and to have that masculine energy desire go straight towards him.)
When you play Big Man, your submissive boy, while able to share this experience with you humanly and perhaps lovingly, is still a means to the end of your ejaculation and bearing your sure-to-be-strong children, which is his primal prerogative in the heat of passion. You see him like a pretty piece of meat, you talk to him like a semen-absorbent, gorgeous piece of meat (while keeping peace of mind and making sure he doesn't think he's landed a serial killer), and he'll enjoy that because he feels your desire oozing over him like a semen ocean that keeps him safe from the horrors out in the world. He's gonna have kids from a competent gene pool, and his daddy's a badass -- oops, he means, his future kids' daddy.
With light-eyed, blond, smooth, submissive-to-me boys, when I'm jacking off on them and my face is close to their ear, particularly at night and under sheets, I'll whisper how I want to get them pregnant, how fertile they are, telling them I wanna be the daddy to their kids, biting at their neck, mouth, nose. As creepy and weird as this sounds out of context, these theater and PR boys will smile at me sweetly and in all instances whisper, "Do you have a condom?" (Translation: Will you please fuck your seed into me now?)
The more you are in touch with your fire, the more your boy toy is excited to help the fire out. Everyone has fire; only some are the most in touch with it, and those are the worthy ones (alphas) ready to bring the light of the next generation. Your casual bottom partner might not be thinking of what your kids will look like during sex, but your masculine presence pressing against him elicits a heart-filled fantasy that tempts him to sleep under your cocksure strength for a thousand and one nights.
You are a warrior-like channel for your carnal desire when you are at your best masculine fucking.
If your boy is screaming that he wants you to pull his hair, but you fancy giving him a hicky and pounding your dick under his package, guess what he's gonna be more excited for you to do now. A bottom isn't too excited about a top taking orders against his will. If you pleasing him about that particular thing he pleads for is hot to you, go ahead -- it's okay because you're Obeying Your Fire. To him it'll ideally feel like he asked for one thing and you did something else, even though you did what he asked. Your tiger is out of the bag, there's nothing he can do about it, and you can feel him shaking slightly; he's terrified and loving every second.
When you're the feminine guy, you'll learn (or already know) how fun it is when a guy wants you. That's all you want during that transaction. To be wanted. (By a hot guy.) Don't tell him to find his fire. You can cheat into more polarized positioning where he's more masculine and you're more feminine. Then let it flow.
Okay, and WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH EVERY MOMENT IN LIFE BEING SEX?!
Your fire doesn't only exist when you're gasping between sheets.
I have a lot of fun as a submissive guy to bigger guys, I think all gay guys should experience that, but, I still think that by default, a gay guy will be happiest living a masculine lifestyle at the bare minimum sense of: taking his own direction, making sure he's working towards what he wants, living with what he wants, and setting proper boundaries against what he doesn't want.
That also requires being in touch with your fire. It's the same fire.
If you want swag, be in touch with your fire. If you want to lose your social anxiety, get in touch with your fire. If you want to be an oak tree and less of a spaz, get in touch with your fire. If you want to be the alpha male, get in touch with your fire. If you want to be funny, get in touch with your fire.
When you approach a guy and you are officially the dominant personality, YOU HAVE ALREADY BEGUN HAVING SEX WITH HIM. Do what you feel like, but not to be an asshole on purpose. Unless your charm is set to 10, let your eyes glaze a bit and let's talk about what you feel like, and the stuff about him that you feel like. He's learning all he needs to about your girth in that moment. One time my approach at a club, I swooped in and told him he looked like an adorable wind-up toy. I dunno where that came from. Did I give a fuck? No. Did he ask that I "please stay" when I said I was walking, and did we spend the rest of the night together? Yes.
A great life is like having sex as the more dominant guy. Touch what you want. Don't be nervous that he won't like it. He'll let you know if he's sensitive. His sensitivity is endearing. Does it make you wanna kiss him? Do it. He'll like it because you want to do it. Your desire is fucking hot, as the top. FIND IT. Oops we were talking about real life outside of the bedroom.
The difference between walking into a party submissively and making yourself seem less than others so everyone else is comfortable, and walking in to see who you really care about seeing and what you actually feel like doing and letting your energy shine towards that and allowing your fire and energy to magnetize what you want towards you, is that the latter is like walking into bed with a little 18 year old boy angel who wants you to fuck the shit out of him, and to make sure he can do everything he can in order for you to do that. The second one is better. Peace.
more of my writing on this and similar topics