Seeking understanding from other strong gay males

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March 29, 2015

While this may not be the most active community of like-mindedguys I'm gonna take a shot. I can't believe my only resource for matters of the heart so far has been which is not helpful

Being the only different type of guy in my family/workplace and life has been a challenging journey.

I came out at 26 still a virgin and have spent 4 years "fucking up" it seems.

My #1 mistake i feel is becoming/being "too available" which is based on seeking that comfort/validation that I feel by having someone that seems unobtainable "love" me.

It probably is a false belief and hope, and is actually more like drug that my psychology craves to have.

So once again, after I sent the last guy away in a kick em' to the curb method after cheating, a year later I meet a similar type and repeat the same mistakes.

-Seeking Validation thru text

-Opening up about feelings/my heart

-Expressing my desire for that special someone

-Letting them top, or playing into when they ask me if I've ever bottomed.

-Not being ok with him bailing on date plans, but still talking to them or rescheduling because "he totally spaced a birthday party" where in reality he probably wanted to bail so he could go party and drink.

Quintessentially allowing every single aspect as my role of being the stronger Oak tree be reversed. Why would I do this if everything that is attractive about me being a tall, muscled, obviously handsome guy becomes discredited?

I'd really like a clean slate where I can stop doing these things. And think to myself "well atleast this current younger boy, has now become more of a sacrificial lamb" to every negative behavior social dynamics I'd like to change.

So I started going out solo this week, because I want to stop thinking about him. I want to overcome scarcity. I'm at the club Friday approaching and talking to people. When all the sudden he's right infront of me. He's there drunk and with his friends. They have no way back home, he asks me for a hour ride back home. My feelings and "pushover/niceness/sweet" qualities make it okay for me do drive them home.

I completely got sick again with my "pretend bF" disease. And spent the rest of my night in that role. I allowed him and his ridiculousness to control the rest of my night.

And the worst kicker is I didn't seize the opportunity to focus on an ever cuter boy, that approached me and danced with me for a minute because I fell into that "pretend bF" role. I allowed the cuter boy I was more interested in to slip away without getting his # because all the sudden I'm at the club with this guy that hasn't made hardly any effort to be with me. I hate that this happened and I became the ultimate loser of the night by experiencing an awful drive 2 hours out of my way, one hour being extremely dark and lonely when I originally intended to go out that night to WIN.

I want to change.

Post Information
Title Seeking understanding from other strong gay males
Author hoogityboogitiesRIP
Upvotes 9
Comments 12
Date 29 March 2015 09:26 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit altTRP
Original Link
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Red Pill terms found in post:

[–]omnipedia5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Stop going to bars. Stop thinking with your dick. Stop going after got guys who slut around. Start finding guys on okcupid or other relationship site. Do NOT use hookup apps like grindr. Start dating exclusively guys over 30 with beards- those men are far more likely to be relationship oriented like you are. 20 year olds are clueless - almost incapable of monogamy.

[–]hoogityboogitiesRIP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's some good advice, I would take it even a step further and say stop using any and all social media apps as crutches for your dating life. I took that leap after reading this article

So yeah living in a smaller city, there really is only a few bars/clubs where you can work on practice approaching guys.

[–]hatessw2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

What are your objectives?

You say you want to change, but why? What are the underlying reasons for it?

[–]hoogityboogitiesRIP[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Did you actually read what I said?

[–]hatessw2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes, but I did find it a bit all over the place. Never mind then.

[–]hoogityboogitiesRIP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

All over the place? Possibly although I was trying my best to create a fluid story.

You asked some good questions, so let's assume on top of having the objective power the internet gives you, you also have the ability to have empathy. What would you want to change about me if you were me?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm going to lay it out for you: it took me a few moments to realize that you want to be in a relationship, but you keep making the same mistakes. First off, learn from your and his mistakes. Second off, obviously improve yourself to be the man that you want to become. Third off, read "men in love" and "women in love" because gay men fall somewhere in between the theories (some are men, some are women, some are somewhere in between) partially due to innate brain structure and also because of how society has traditionally viewed gay men. Lastly, do not put the pussy on the pedestal. Especially if you're looking for a bottom. Also do not put out on the first date. They smell that desperation and like a robin will run away. Otherwise you know what else you have to do. I genuinely hope that helps and feel free to drop me a PM if you have any other questions.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Oh man. You've got to get over that guy. I don't know what to tell you honestly - I'm only recently out, a year and a half since I actually decided I have to learn to accept myself for who I am, so I am pretty inexperienced. I've made most of the mistakes you've made. I think just all you can do is decide you have to start changing. And then make the changes that are going to lead you to your goals. That's the only way to change - identify a problem and work on solutions. Next time you're at the club, by yourself, and you see that guy, ignore him and talk to that cute guy.

[–]hoogityboogitiesRIP[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks! I really appreciate your comment. And you're probably right, I do need to get over this guy. Which is an extremely hard thing to do when ge keeps texting me back. I hated that he puts it on me to drive him home or force him to get home with some bullshit cab ride story. Then when I later expressed that I didn't like the feeling of being "used" for a ride home he throws it back on me saying

"You said it was no problem, and we could have got a cab"

That's such bull I think putting me in the position to have to be the one to tell him to fuck off and get a hour cab ride in Utah. Seriously, no one does that.

I'd like it if he had the courage to tell me to fuck off if that's what he really wants to do. If he seriously doesn't care, why keep stringing me along.

I feel like he may not give 2 shits or maybe he does because when I texted him last night.

I'm not planning on seeing you anymore

He comes back with :

Okay, can I ask why?

[–]should_0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

It's been many days but I find blocking numbers, blocking Facebook very effective. Even if you know him well and it seems unnatural. It does exactly what you ultimately want, to keep him away, and that's what'll happen hopefully. And maybe some bonus respect from him if you bump into him again (almost said "dread" for him but you are not playing to get him back).

[–]hoogityboogitiesRIP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How's it going? Wondering if youd like to chat more

[–]should_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hey feel free to PM me for whatever. Here's my blog if you're looking for general gay-dating-gay-sex musings and you're feeling anti-social.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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