i hate being weak, im so tired of hating every single thing about myself, i just want the pain to stop, i just want someone to take it away because im not strong enough to do it myself, i want a bigger stronger man to hold and take care of me, i dont know who to be or what i should do with myself. being powerless has always been my natural default state, being ultra feminine, overly sensitive, kind of vain and manipulative, through no will of my own. i am alone, a weak pathetic victim. why should i do anything for myself if i feel im not worthy of it? i never wanted to be submissive. being feminine wasn't my choice and it was never an act, i was raised 100% by women alone and i never learned what being a man was, i rejected it., I resented and pushed away all men that ever tried to get near.me for the longest time, i was disgusted and ashamed of my male body and anatomy. I have never had a single male friend in my entire life. but i can't even blame my family for my upbringing because ive been a feminine gay since birth. I hate fem gays and I hate being associated with them. I hate their whiny high pitched voices and their catty toxic personalities, i hate how I share a lot of their interests and how typically masculine things bore me no matter how hard i try to invest myself in them. I dont know sports or cars or anything that requires tools and frankly, i just can't force myself to care. I hate twinks and i love big masc guys with deep voices and masc personalities. I hate being a twink. I'm 5'4 with a babyface and a super petite and frail frame. I feel like I would look ugly and would fail as being anything but a real man's twink bottom bitch. I just want a real man to dominate me deep from my inner core, and i feel powerless to this desire. its the only thing i desire. and i hate myself for it. and I know no such "real man" coming to end my suffering will ever exist.
-end pathetic word vomitting poorly constructed vent rant-
I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy, even though my raw uncensored feelings kinda feel otherwise. Now I realize that the endless excuses, blame, and the victim mentality need to go. So my questions here are; How do I cultivate masculinity from seemingly nothing? Should I even try to change myself if I feel I can't force myself to become this certain way? Should I give into twinkdom and just, "be myself"? I feel like such a lost cause at this point, not gonna lie. I have problems referring to myself as a man. Masculinity feels like such a foreign concept to me and I can't relate with typical straight bros, but I also don't relate with women or other fem gays either in a way.