I found TRP more than one year ago, and I slowly but realised that all my "friends" were keeping me back. I was not improving in their presence. I was following them around, even though I subconsciously was feeling something was wrong. Everytime I used to hang out with them, I was feeling out of place. I knew there was something wrong, but I couldn't really understand what, until I progressively stopped going out with them.

The more beta friends I was dumping, the freer I was feeling. It's like if I was dependent on them. Instead of doing what I truly desired (gaming chicks for example) I was chained to them for some reason and wasted so much time and opportunities.

Now that I'm literally alone, I feel like I'm able to understand what I want out of life. I have 0 plates right now and I lost my virginity to an escort a few days ago. I thought it's time to get some plates because I'm in an entire scarcity mindset and I struggle to focus on my shit because of this reason.

Point is, going out alone feels fucking weird man. I never went dancing or doing any activity alone. I always used to be with somebody.

I'm 19 and still in High School and I have trouble deciding what I want out of life. On one hand I want to get laid, on the other hand I know I should be focusing on myself and aiming to get money before anything else. But as I said I'm struggling to focus on my shit without having sexual release. I stopped watching porn 1-2 months ago and whenever I masturbate I feel even worse because I know I don't deserve that pleasure. Deserving that pleasure to me would mean fucking a real girl.

It's like if I'm making women my mission, and even though I lost my virginity and realised lot of things, I still have this mindset. Horniness fogs rationality. When I fucked that escort, I was understanding what it meant to feel like "the prize" and "giving instead of taking" (I barely felt any pleasure from that fuck session as I lost most of the sensitivity of my penis due to years of fapping and porn and it took me some hard thrusts to feel anything lol) . Now I feel more confident but still confused.

It's like if my desire to pursue my mission is less than the desire to get chicks. That means that to pursue my mission I must be rational and have extreme discipline. It's barely something I naturally want to do.

Therefore, in terms of flow (the act of doing shit and enjoying it fully and not realising time passing) I'd prefer getting women right now instead of focusing on my shit. I know this shit here is wrong as fuck, but I feel like it's a step I can't skip to get into the next phase (the phase of being abundant and focusing on one's shit without giving a fuck about women).

Now, I believe all this stems from sexual validation. I'm obsessed with getting women and I doubt it only has to do with sexual desire, but rather with desire for female validation.

Now, the main question of the whole post is, how do I deal with this? Do you think I should start going out alone? It's clear that I'm in my comfort zone. Living in a small-medium city where everyone knows each other makes it even harder for me to go out doing shit alone, but I agree that my mindset is wrong.

Also, do you think there's any other way? I'd love to just focus on my shit but it's like if my subconscious doesn't want me to. I'm trying everything to switch the focus on my mission instead of giving a fuck about women. I also know that I will get plenty of women in the future if I focus on myself *now***,** yet I'm struggling to internalise this mindset.