Tactics for Getting Out From Under Porn

God has been good to me over the last three years. I haven't touched pornography in that time, and I have not struggled with it. In part, I struggle with other sins (masturbation, fantasies) that most men have in addition to porn, and I used to struggle with porn on a regular basis. I still struggle with temptation and lust in my mind, but the effects are not what they once were. I've been clear of masturbation for a number of months now, and the urge for that is minimal as well.

I have a freedom that appears to be absurd in light of what I see regularly in OYSs and other posts here. I want for others to have what I have: freedom from porn usage.

First, we need to cover some basics so that the tactics make sense.

Lust vs. Temptation

Jesus was tempted. But he did not sin. I guarantee you He saw beautiful women, yet He still did not sin. I also guarantee you His testosterone levels and sex drive were just fine (being the perfect Man). So what? How did He see and not sin?

Someone on the Discord server explained this to me clearly: temptation is the attraction to a thing, sin is interacting with it. In the case of seeing someone attractive, the attraction is the temptation. The sin is interacting with that attraction mentally or physically. In the link above u\Red-Curious says

Biblically, the idea of [lust] is not merely any old desire. It's an I would if I could mentality.

If you see and consume, you are guilty as Christ says: "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart," (Matthew 5:28)

That is, if you could, you would and you totally will imagine it in your head.

Recognize, Reject, Seek Forgiveness, Carry On

When telling others about how I have managed to kick porn, I found myself telling other guys to "just pray". I was informed that didn't work. So I re-examined what I had done in the early years of my departure from porn. I found that I didn't just pray. I had a few tactics, including prayer, that allowed me to seek God in an organized and purposeful manner.

We are told to "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). The following method does precisely that.

When we take a thought captive, we eliminate a way the enemy can approach us: "resist the devil and he will flee" (James 4:7). However, this doesn't mean he won't try to tempt us again with the same thing.

This first tactic is used in the moment. You see something and it spurs a thought, or a random thought comes into your head. You're tempted to entertain the thing, to play with it in your mind, to roll it over and see where it takes you.

Step 1: Recognize the Thing

This takes practice. Many times you'll catch yourself already entertaining a thought before you recognize what it is. The important part is to recognize the quality of the thought and immediately move to step 2.

Step 2: Reject the Thing

Once you have recognized the thought as temptation (or sin, depending on how far you get), you need to reject it. I say to myself something like "I reject this _____ and I give it to You, God".

Step 3: Ask for Forgiveness and Change

This is where I spend most of my time in prayer. While I'm often able to catch myself before engaging with a tempting thought, sometimes I don't. Forgiveness from God and self-forgiveness are important to eliminate shame. Typically I say something like "God, please forgive me for this. Please help me change, to be the person You want me to be!"

You can read more on forgiveness here.

Step 4: Carry On

It is important to use this tactic in the context of something larger. If you have some task to turn your mind to, great! If not, what are you not doing?

Move on with your day, task, whatever. If you're lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, plagued by incoming garbage, the thing you can be doing is "box" or "triangle" breathing. Or praying. Or both.

Identifying Your Weaknesses: Root Cause Analysis

We are told to resist the enemy, and he will flee. Again, we are told to flee idolatry. Consider this step to be organizing resistance against the enemy, as well as an organized flight from idolatry. The enemy will attack when you are weak, and this will map out your weaknesses in stark detail.

If you happen to work professionally in a STEM field, you may be familiar with the idea of "root cause analysis"; it answers the question why did ____ happen?. What was the root cause of the thing that happened? In an ideal world, this discovery is made without judgement of those people and circumstances involved. You may need to pray for God's wisdom so that you are only recognizing what happened, as opposed to judging yourself for what happened.

In my case, I wanted to know why I binged with porn and all its trappings. The first thing I did was build a timeline of what my activities normally look like, from the time I did the thing all the way back to days prior.

Conditions Immediately Prior

Think about the last time you used porn. What were the conditions immediately prior to use? Your emotional condition? Physical? Surroundings? Location?

I've copied the following from my journal from 2017:

On my computer w/out a purpose, looking for something to do, and I think I'm alone. Bored. Angry. Tired. I'm making excuses & actively rebelling.

I considered the previous month or two when making these generalizations. It will be helpful for you to write out the conditions for each time you used in as much detail as you can. I tripped up here and went straight to generalizations.

Conditions Before You Act

And what happened before that? Hours? Days? What did you eat? How much sleep did you get? Did you work out? Get in a fight?

I identified patterns in myself that I followed in the days and hours before landing back in pornography:

Entertaining or accepting invasive thoughts and/or fantasies as 1) my own, 2) "ok" or somehow acceptable. Generally board, feeling listless & purposeless (even when there is plenty to do, I've had enough sleep, been doing everything right).

Depression/feeling down (all I want to do is sit and watch TV).

Not taking time for God daily. Note the presence of excuses for this lack of activity: "I don't have time", "I'm ok, I don't need God's help right now", etc.

Making excuses for "innocent" thought patterns or activities that objectify others (which leads back to masturbation and pornography and destructive pleasure seeking). [specific] excuses & patterns that may arise [that I used in the past] are looking at "artistic reference materials", not looking away from another person's body & explicitly rejecting the thought pattern before it begins (such excuses come up: "this doesn't hurt anyone", and others)

I came to the above conclusions while thinking about my specific conditions before using porn. You don't have to come to conclusions right away. Just make notes of the conditions, and see what patterns come up. Again, you will benefit from writing out each instance in as much detail as possible. Again, I made a mistake here, and went straight to generalizations.

Mitigation

Now you know when you are weak, why you are weak, and what decisions typically put you in that state.

The next step is point-by-point mitigation. This is where I discovered the "recognize->reject->forgiveness->continue" tactic in the section above. I found that for the large majority of stuff that happened in my head, I could just reject it (give it to God), and continue on with my day.

Some of the items above could not be dealt with only in my head, though. I had to settle with the idea that I wasn't taking care of myself (enough food, enough sleep, supplements), that some habits I had built were actively putting me on the path to temptation and eventually porn usage.

I had the following mitigation plan for "Depression/feeling down"

Continue maintenance [enough food, enough sleep, supplements]. Stay busy. Focus on God. Use the meditation/EFT tools you have. Exercise helps a lot.

While still general, the above plan is prescriptive. I knew what to do. I just had to sort out how to do it.

Mission

Let's talk about the larger solution: "Stay busy". You will get some benefit if you use the tactics above as they are described. You will reap a maximum benefit when you use them in the context of some greater strategy; your mission for God

I reached out to u/aaaquad on this point, because the specifics of my mission are still rather fuzzy. He sent me the following:

I cannot stress enough how important mission and purpose is in being able to kill pornography, or any sin for that matter. Since seeking after porn and sin is a function of the desires of our hearts, the only solution is to be able to have an even greater desire for Christ, or to put it another way, to have a changed heart (Ezekiel 36:26). The new desire we have is love for Christ and obedience to him (John 14:21). The command we obey is his call in the great commission (Matt. 28:18-20).

Since God’s mystery and purpose of the gospel has been made known (Ephesians 3:6), the powers and authorities in the heavenly places (Ephesians 3:10) have realized the imminence of their defeat (Hebrews 2:14) The enemy has been strategizing and scheming how to prevent this from taking place and preventing as many people from coming to the knowledge of the truth. This is why Paul talks about our fight not being with blood but against the rulers, authorities and cosmic powers, and evil spiritual forces in the heavenly places (Ephesians 6:12).

Pornography is a potent tool used by the enemy to prevent God’s plan from taking place. When Jesus ascended into heaven he told his disciples to go and make disciples, training them to obey all that he had commanded. God is seeking after the bearing of godly children (Malachi 2:15) which echoes God’s original mission to expand his kingdom to the entire world.

In the same way that pornography physically drains your energy, preventing you from successfully bearing and raising children, so does it spiritually drain you, preventing you from making disciples. Thus the enemy succeeds in obstructing God’s plan to expand his kingdom to the entire world.

So with the importance of mission in mind. What is your mission? Once you know Christ’s mission for you and it begins replacing those old desires the following spiritual practices will be effective in enabling you to overcome your flesh and the enemy in the fight against pornography…

How is this different from just "doing stuff"?

The above tactics are short term solutions. They will get you out of destructive patterns. They will not put you on a Godly path. They do not replace God’s purpose and will in your life. These tactics will enable you to get clear of the bondage of porn so that you may pursue God more effectively, that’s it.

Troubleshooting

You’re going to run into roadblocks using these tactics. Here are a few that I’ve had to deal with, or that I’ve heard others talk about. Here we use prayer as an effective intervention, but pursue the will of your God. In all the following cases 1) pray, 2) carry on. When you do this you practice trusting God to handle each thing you bring to Him.

Shame

I got really good at hiding my porn usage after I was shamed as a young man. In my shame, I attempted to hide even from God. Trusting Him will be a big challenge for some of you. You can pray over that, "God, please help me to trust that You are safe for me to come to."

Anger

"God, I'm angry. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to be this person. Please help me to be someone different."

Despair

"God, I can't get out. I don't know what to do. Please help me have hope in You."

Distrust

"God, I don't trust You because _____. Please show me how to trust You!"

Persistent Temptations

There will be things that won’t leave you right away. Sometimes I’m stuck with thoughts/images for days or weeks at a time. The latest round of fantasy I’m trying to shake has been with me for three weeks at this point.

Jesus gave us an example of how we ought to pray in these cases: Luke 18:1-8. We are to pursue our God with persistence. God works in His timing. Part of the reason we pray is to practice trusting God to do His will in His timing.

Long Term Care

As your current temptations become manageable, you'll find that the Holy Spirit will prompt you with memories from your past. You'll need to address each thing He brings up. Do yourself a favor and write them down. You’re going to want some details recorded for when you are working with others who also have this issue.

Links