Baby in bed, no intimacy

CopperCurls007 · 2020-09-06T02:19:01+00:00

Are you investing into your relationship outside of the bedroom? If your relationship is healthy, 15 pounds shouldn't makea difference. Instead of focusing on you or your baby, focus on your husband. Reconnect to his interests, make him feel special when he gets home, let him know you need him for more than just intimacy.

missylizzy · 2020-09-05T23:56:27+00:00

My comment may come off as rude, but please hear me out.

I am a teacher and I feel like a major problem in our society is very unhealthy boundaries with children. While it is important to love and protect our children, we need to learn to say no and set boundaries, even if it is hard.

It is time for you to set some boundaries with your baby. Most recommendations say 6 months...you are way beyond that.

The baby also needs to learn independence. This isn't just about you. It is part of growing up.

The other factors cannot change until you start to establish healthy boundaries and show your husband he is important to you.

I see far too many women doing strange things - breastfeeding far beyond the time they should, for example.

Though it is hard because we are attached to our children, we are also responsible for creating healthy boundaries. My parents let my sister sleep with them for far too long, and let's just say it something she struggles with now as an adult.

As for your body image, it may be another sign you are not creating healthy boundaries with yourself. Are you prioritizing everything else so much that you are forgetting to take care of yourself, too?

Dancersep38 · 2020-09-06T16:10:33+00:00

As a fellow co-sleeper we just go to the couch or guest bedroom. Sex is almost never spontaneous with 2 littles, but I don't see that that matters much. Just put it on the calendar and have it. Spontaneity will return as they age, what's important now is to just maintain the connection. Your sex life doesn't need to look like anyone else's, including your own before the baby.

As for post partum bodies: by all means work on the weight, but i do find we tend to be way harsher on ourselves than the men folk are.

bananab33 · 2020-09-06T00:11:51+00:00

I know it's a hard conversation, but you should tell all this to your husband and get his feedback. I doubt it's your postpartum body, men go through hormonal changes around babies and can also experience lower libido, it's normal. Also, plenty of parents sleep train, plenty co-sleep until their kids are older, there's no universal right answer. Personally, I really believe in listening to your own instincts with sleeping. There's a point when I want my kids out of my bed or I want the alone time with my husband back, and that's when they go! I miss them when they move, but I have confidence it was the right time.

RubyWooToo · 2020-09-06T15:49:02+00:00

Others have touched on the need to put an end to the co-sleeping, so I’ll talk about the intimacy part specifically.

Ever since my kids were born (I have 2.5-year-old twins) I don’t just get horny like I used to. If I waited until I was “in the mood” we would have no sex life.

The most important thing for you to do is get out of Mommy mode before sex. That means doing something to spoil yourself before initiating, such as running a bath, drinking a glass of champagne, eating a piece of chocolate... something totally self-indulgent that makes you feel good.

Also, my husband likes to take nudie pics of me sometimes before sex. This has actually helped me get out of the mindset that my body is a source of comfort and nutrition for my baby, but also a source of erotic pleasure for myself and my husband. Maybe there is a similar sexy ritual that could work for you and your husband.

ezer_kenegdo · 2020-09-06T01:57:37+00:00

13 months is still an appropriate time to be breastfeeding, and you will not ruin your child by too much coddling at this age.

You do need to talk to your husband but if he isn't willing to drop whatever he is doing to be intimate with you he may have a low libido at the moment too. Intimacy takes 2, not 1.

Let him know well in advance that you would like to spend some time with him when the baby goes down for their nap, so maybe if he plans for it it won't be taking time away from his other tasks.

Also, at that age the baby should be down well before you guys go to bed. So there's a little leeway there. My 18 month old sleeps on the couch while we go upstairs, and then we take him to bed with us when we are ready.

There are ways around it if you both are willing. You can private message me for more if you would like. But you will.figure it out as long as you guys do it together.

ILoveCuteKitties · 2020-09-12T14:52:16+00:00

Unpopular opinion on here. It’s very normal to breastfeed until 2 in the rest of the world. It’s recommended by the world health organization. Mamas who breastfeed nearly almost always end up with their babies in the bed. It’s what we do to survive. The mamas on here saying get that baby out of the bed likely haven’t breastfed the recommended amount of time or had unicorn breastfed babies who slept well in a crib so take their advice with a grain of salt. Your baby wants you nearby for security at night. It helps them feel safe. Separation anxiety doesn’t start fading until 18-24 months. This is NORMAL. The kid isn’t 4. By all means get yourself in shape. Jogging stroller? Online cardio videos? I think you may have a communication problem with your husband. Have you discussed prioritizing your sex life? Sex in the guest room while baby sleeps in bed? Sex on the floor? Have you tried building foreplay into the day? Does he have a porn habit that is sucking all the life out of your bedroom? Is dad resentful of the new baby and all the attention required? By all means prioritize your sex life with your husband but your babies needs come first...always. Task oriented or not the fact that he won’t take 15 minutes for a quickie is a red flag to me that something is brewing.

null_isomers · 2020-09-06T07:49:39+00:00

Why does intimacy need to happen specifically at night, and in bed with the baby? I think you can make opportunities for it at other times in the day

the_spiraline · 2020-09-09T22:39:26+00:00

Oh honey. You MUST sleep train that baby. I'm not saying you "should" stop night nursing or co-sleeping entirely, but you need your nights back! Your husband will need to get involved here. Nurse him until he's good and zonked, and then have daddy rock him and put him down in the crib (which should be in a separate quiet room, ideally with a white noise machine.) If he cries, go and soothe him, but DO NOT bring him back in the bed! Your husband may need to be the chief soother for the first few days, since the baby associates you with the boob and may get upset if he can't get to it. And you may have a rough few nights, so it's ideal to start over a weekend. But I promise you, he WILL adjust to the new routine if you're patient and consistent. My daughter is 16 months and was doing the same thing, but we now have a rule that she doesn't sleep in the bed before 4am. If she wakes up before then my husband rocks her or I nurse her, but she goes back in the crib! Babies are malleable. You trained him to the routine you have now, and you can train him to a different routine.

I also recommend seeing a women's health specialist about your lost libido. Pregnancy and birth take a lot out of our bodies, and you could be dealing with a hormonal or vitamin imbalance or even low level PPD. Check out the book "Woman Code" which explains the impact of hormone balance on our sex drives and energy levels. And take some time to yourself to get back in touch with your body - exercise, yoga, meditation, massage, spa day, buy yourself some new (non-nursing bra) lingerie etc. Don't get so caught up in being a mom that you forget you're also a woman and a human being!

clitclamchowder · 2020-11-09T23:24:06+00:00

I know this is an old post (I used the search bar) But I just wanted to say that your child WILL grow out of needing you regardless. My personal take is enjoy this time feeding your baby at night and don’t force a separation that neither of you want (yet). I think I just wanted to get my word in because I feel strongly about this based off my personal situation. My husband, 3yo, & 1yo all share a king bed and we live in 400sqft. He gets to unwind while I lay the kids down then I sneak away and we have sex on our futon. Just saying that extra time you have to spend putting the bay down CAN be a good thing for everybody!

boiiihowdy · 2020-09-06T15:44:36+00:00

All the advice here seems pretty good already. But since you said that your husband is task-oriented, maybe it would be appropriate for you to sit down with him and try to schedule out time/times to be intimate. And obviously I know that's not the sexiest thing ever, but it may work for the time being. I know it's hard, but babies need routines, too! Trying to establish that will be beneficial both now and into the future. So for example, if you know that baby needs a nap everyday around 4pm, maybe you can bring that up to him and say "Hey, if you're working on a project, can you try to have it finished up or be at a stopping point at 4?" and see how he responds.

LouiseConnor · 2020-09-06T19:51:56+00:00

This sounds so similar to me with my three babies! The difference is that I was always denying him instead of him denying me/not feeling into it.

I have so much pain down there while nursing, for at least 9 months postpartum. And our babies sleep with us for about the first year. Around age 12-15 months I bite the bullet and get them to sleep in a pack n play in our room. Another successful thing a friend of mine does is train the baby to sleep on a floor mat/bed so she ca nurse them to sleep and sneak away and the parents bed is clear but baby is still close by.

Getting separate sleeping will probably help your hormones, libido, sex life overall.

You sound motivated to get back to your ideal shape so I honestly wouldn’t focus on your postpartum body as far as his interest, right now. Maybe if all the sleeping arrangements improves but no results then it’ll be a time to discuss the bod. Which honestly sound not too bad to me. Almost my same exact stats.

Eosei · 2020-09-15T14:13:31+00:00

Please, please get a separate crib for your baby. Too many babies die simply because of SDS

Svenskamamma · 2020-09-20T06:35:31+00:00

The decision to co-sleep and when to stop BF are very personal, bed sharing is very much the norm in some cultures and can be done safely and while maintaining intimacy if that’s what you want. I strongly recommend you speak to your paediatrician on these issues rather than rely on advice here-as you can see it’s very contradictory! One thing I must underline though is that you CANNOT spoil a baby, so keep giving all the cuddles and kisses you want.

Now back on topic as you specifically asked about intimacy! We bed share with our baby and plan to until he’s ready to leave (our eldest decided at two that he was a big boy and off he went!). Sex for us occurs outside of the bedroom for now, and it’s great! It’s definitely brought the spontaneity back for us.

TMI here - but as an example, my H was working in his home office after dinner so I popped in to surprise him!

Make sure the rest of your intimacy is taken care of too, keep talking and sharing jokes, these things often fall away with small children too.

tradmoonrising · 2020-09-06T01:37:36+00:00

Time to start weaning.

loneliness-inc · 2020-09-06T05:50:36+00:00

I do enjoy having my baby with me in bed- but I also miss my husband and would like to get our intimacy back.

You will have to choose between these two desires. You can't have both.

On one hand is your baby who will do just fine sleeping in a different room. OTOH is your marriage which will deteriorate if you continue down this path.

Tbh I also wonder if he just isn’t attracted to my post partum body. I’m sincerely trying to lose weight and I’m definitely active with my little outside as much as possible.

Occum's razer. In this case - the most likely cause for his lack of expressed interest is because you're simply unavailable to him and he doesn't want to pester you.

There's also the following point.

horny is not a thing for me- ever.

This means, it's likely that he's been sexually rejected by you many times before. You may or may not realize the extent of this problem, but if this is indeed a problem in addition to the aforementioned problems - you really need to turn this around or you will lose your marriage sooner or later.

emotionalrescuebee · 2020-09-06T02:30:45+00:00

Hi Op, I don’t want to sound rude or be too blunt but you need to prioritize your husband or your marriage will sink. Your kid should be already on his own room. I’m currently expecting and I’m not planning on sharing bed or room nor bf, because I wanna be back to my PBB as soon as possible, that’s a personal decision tho.

_Anarchon_ · 2020-09-06T00:59:24+00:00

You aren't attracted to your husband, or you would be horny. It sounds like you were attracted to the idea of having a baby, and this poor sucker was your unlucky target.

You're also in denial about "sincerely trying to lose weight." Losing that weight has to do with your diet, not your exercise.

If your husband isn't cheating on you yet, he will be soon. And frankly, he deserves it, because you aren't keeping up with your end of the bargain.

It's now up to you to decide if you want to be honest with him and get a divorce, or spend your life with someone you don't really love. I hope you divorce this poor man and set him free.

Title	Baby in bed, no intimacy
Author	MrsBobber
Upvotes	23
Comments	62
Date	September 5, 2020 11:30 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/inbfm1/baby_in_bed_no_intimacy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/baby-in-bed-no-intimacy.173858 https://theredarchive.com/post/173858