Warning: shit story ahead, probably will make you cringe.

  • I lift
  • I do martial arts
  • I have a successful career a great passion for my work
  • I understand the red pill concepts, been in the community for 2 years, read the rationale male and other manosphere book couple of times already.

Lately, I've been falling into this self loathing victim mentality and pretty confused about life.

Here's the situation: I've been with my LTR for 1.5 years, 1 year ago our relationship started having lots of problems where I'm not happy with her seeking all sorts of validation on social media, she wants to fix that and started making all sort of promises, like deleting her Instagram etc.

The thing is that she almost broke all of her promises and repeatedly disappointed me, she lied, she manipulated, and everytime she says it's a mistake and she will fix it, and it seems sincere as fuck each time too, so we stayed together.

It was one of the darkest period of my life, I would have pain body attacks very easily, a lot of things that she did will trigger me, and she kept letting me down again and again. I lived life in anger, that lasted for about 2 months.

After that she's actually been acting really good, she got into rpw and figured out that constantly seeking validation from other guys while in a relationship is wrong. She gave gifts all the time and was very loving and kind and respects me. So no more pain body attacks, no more anger, no more dark ages everything was just fine, for a long time.

But as time went on my attraction to her started to wane and I started to have desire for other girls.

So the logical thing to do is to just break up and move on, I tried doing that for a couple of times, but each time she will come to my house and refuse to leave until we get back.

Until 3 days ago, where she fucks up again and tell me that her "Instagram account came back but she quickly disabled it"

She: I was checking my blog (her hobby is writing) and discovered that my Instagram account came back, I disabled it and will maybe use it in the future when I need it for my professional use (as writers would need a social media). Me: that's very coincidental, how did it came back when you permanently deleted it 6 months ago. She: I don't know.

I said that since she promised to delete her Instagram before, she should keep that promise, but she says she disabled it so it's all good. I disagreed.

And at this point I don't think our relationship is working out either I just called for a break up. The usual thing happened, she came to my house but this time I didn't open the door, I didn't cave in, she knocked on my door for 3 hours then left, meanwhile texting me saying that she has no idea how the account came back, and she wants to keep it for her future writing career.

After 3 hours she agreed to break up, although I initiated it it still hurts, but I expected the emotion, as days went by it started to hurt more, she kept sending me E-mail (because I blocked all other ways of communication) saying how she loves me but I just said I won't change my mind.

It has been extremely hard to do because I miss her all the time after break up, but when I was in a relationship with her, all I think about is other girls and my sexual desire. Its like the ambivalence of Neil Straus in the book "the truth", its exactly like that.

When I don't break up, I regret taking her back and not have sexual options, when I do break up, I regret the decision and want her back in my life. Fucked up.

Today I went to school, then after school we talked (Which is a mistake, but I was hurting and I became soft) we talked about what would happen after the break up, eventually it led to us talking about getting back together. She explains to me again that she didn't know how the account got back, again, me being too soft, bought into that.

We got back home, fucked, later that day she brought back the Instagram topic and says she won't use it until she needs to use it and asks me if that's okay, I just said "why don't you just tell me the truth already then I'll make the decision"

After a pause she said "I wrote an email to customer service and they got the account back to me"

That moment its like the world was on hold and I couldn't believe my own ears, "so you were lying to me" I said.

At that moment I had all the flash backs to all the pain body attacks and anger I suffered before, all which I thought has gone from me already.

She starts to cry and kneel down and says she's sorry, I just sat there looking at her, numbed. Being this numb I started to read the text that she sent me when she was at my doorstep not wanting us to break up.

Phrases like "I don't know how it got back" "I don't fucking know" "you are letting me decide between you and my future" "just let me in and you can see the truth in my eyes" "I'm just as surprised as you are"

As I started reading it, she stood up and vomited in my sink because she felt too ashamed (in her words), I just sat there feeling numb and kept reading. I'm thinking that this couldn't be happening, after a year of rebuilding trust and everything, she still as manipulative as before.

I let her go home, she texts me she's sorry, I know the right thing to do is to just break up, but at that point I have no energy left in me, I have no power in me, I just can't break up again, and go through the process of feeling sad and regret. I'm afraid, afraid that I will regret again.

So I didn't do anything about it, I let it be, I let my self be a victim and think like a victim, I think "why is this happening to me" and "what the fuck is wrong with me".

Still now, I feel very numb and I don't know what to do, the option now is to rebuild the trust again, but failing these break up attempts makes me feel empty, like my values and actions are not aligned, it makes me feel less alive.

Of course I can anticipate the comments I will get, "next that girl", if I'm seeing something who's in thid fucked up situation like me, I would totally tell them to next and tell them they are a massive fucking pussy for looking for excuses.

But its so hard, everytime I fail one attempt it just becomes harder, and to make myself feel alright I have to reframe the situation, which again, makes me feel that my values and actions are not aligned.

I'm really confused, and scared about the regret I will get from breaking up, I tried so many things and it just doesn't work, at this point I think I already gave up, and has fallen into the victim mindset. I don't know what to do about it.

If you have read the entire thing thank you, if you want to share you're thoughts, please do, any suggestion would help.

Tldr: failing multiple break up attempts make me feel bad and I'm falling into the victim mindset.