My wife died in an accident today

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January 10, 2017
73 upvotes

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Title My wife died in an accident today
Author
Upvotes 73
Comments 59
Date 10 January 2017 02:32 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/182172
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/5n5bx1/my_wife_died_in_an_accident_today/
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[–]MODVigilantRedRooster[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (1 child) | Copy

OP has flounced and RPW isn't familiar with the wife he claims. Post removed.

[–]Bloo4M points points [recovered] | Copy

I lost my wife 3 years ago (next month) We were together for 15 years (she 18, me 20) Got her knocked up and "did the right thing" and stuck with her even tho we were both kids.

We had our ups and downs but she was always a great woman. Amazing mother, loyal as fuck, strong willed, funny etc.. My best friend to be honest. We had season tickets to a local soccer club, drank like sailors together and she was completely submissive during sex so I was ALWAYS satisfied.

One night I came to bed...and she was gone..32 years old.

I came to the Red Pill 3 months ago.

After having my world destroyed and becoming a single father of a teenager at 35 I soon found out how toxic the dating scene was. Going from a strong brilliant woman who was an amazing mother to a sea of women who are fucked in the head.. Women have used me for money, have been looking for a "daddy" for their kids, told me "I'm divorced" yet found out they were actually seperated (got my car keyed by an angry husband..), etc..

I'm kinda lost in the wilderness...

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (11 children) | Copy

I don't even want to date or fuck other women. I had my fun and that is boring and time consuming I don't want to love again I feel like it's a drug that diminishes every time you use it.

[–]Bloo4M points points [recovered] | Copy

I felt the same. But, you get lonely. Eventually sitting at home with your dogs or out with your buddies gets old and you long for the touch of a woman.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (8 children) | Copy

I took a vow forever and always and take my word very seriously. I also know when I pass into the next realm I won't hear the end of it from her for fucking/dating someone else.

[–]weightsareheavy7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Based on the kind of person you describe your wife as, there is no way she would prefer you to live your life void of love and happiness just because she was gone. That is the opposite of what she would want. Give it time.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don't want to do that. It isn't something that will change in time. Shed want me to be happy. What's the point of forever and always if those words aren't acted on? I'll be find alone I have friends and family and alot of hobbies. So many people stand for nothing when saying their vows. They say for sickness and health rich or poor but second it gets tough those words mean nothing. They mean everything to me. I won't be a widower as I'll always be married to her as long as I'm alive. I will see her again I'm patient.

[–]weightsareheavy1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Let me preface this by saying I dont mean you have to find a wife instantly, that isn't my point at all. Quite the opposite is true; people grieving over a loss like this are in no way ready for a new relationship and im sure its the furthest thing from your mind now. But since you mentioned vows, I'll just say that most end with "until death do us part." Doesn't mean the love ends at death, it's more about being perfectly faithful while you both here on earth. While you understandably may consider never loving another woman a noble way to honor the relationship you had with your wife, I'd encourage you to again consider the fact that she wouldn't want you to be an unfulfilled martyr. The least selfish thing to do would be to honor what she would have wanted and throw away your own desire to be burdened by this sense of misplaced loyalty. Subjecting yourself to a lifetime of lonliness and waiting to honor your idea of what your vows meant is what you want, it isn't what she would want.

[–]Endorsed ContributorMetalgear2222 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Is the vow, "til death do us part?" No one here trying to force you to date or anything, just recommending that you look out for your own happiness and life over some false sense of moral obligation.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I came from nothing and turned that into everything but by far my biggest achievement was my marriage to such a great person. No regrets.

[–]vangodloss1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

what /u/weightsareheavy said, your wife would want you to move on and find a source of happiness. Seeing as you probably had to depend on your wife for this long you will not be as comfortable with being alone like people like me are. We grew up this way and are basically damaged. We never had the pleasure of having a woman like you describe in our lives. Please just for the sake of being a lucky man move on, find a way to be happy again.

[–]iamirishpat1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Marriage ends after death. There is absolutely nothing wrong or sinful to have a relationship after the death of a spouse. Don't let that hold you back. She wouldn't want you to be lonely for the rest of your life.

Chin up, bro. You can get through this.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My doesn't it coninues after this too. Rather be celibate with good memories for the rest of my life. I plan on standing by what I said on our wedding day. It wasn't for nothing.

[–]IVIaskerade1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

So take your energy and direct it into making a mark on the world.

[–]Ganaria_Gente5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

damn bro. you mean, your wife suddenly left for another man? or she died?

:/

[–]TirionTheHallowed12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

2 Decembers ago was the last I saw my only child, my Boy! He was my whole world and he died of pneumonia December 4th 2015 at 8:02 p.m. If I can give any advice, go to a grief counselor. I know a lot of people in here will want to swell up and say that it's rubbish or whatever. All I know is when my 10 yr old died, It was either me swallowing a shot gun or turning to a grief counselor. Good Luck Brother

[–]bananapeel5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Counselors are amazing.

Very sorry for your loss, mate.

[–]kruxofthemimed7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

damn dude. first things first- you need to make sure you got a solid network of close friends and family to support you through this. feel free to PM me if you don't have a good support system and we can message back and forth a bit, i'll be getting home at 4pm PST tonight.

secondly- take it easy for a few days, but remember to keep your disciplines in check. you will only feel more and more helpless if you let this throw you into an inactive episode of depression. try to work out every two days at least, do some stretches in the morning.

life can deal you a shitty hand all too frequently. it's up to you to decide what you do with that hand, don't expect to come out of it undamaged. that would be totally unrealistic. but expect to grow. appreciate the fact that you had a wife, appreciate that at the very least she is no longer able to feel the great suffering life can bring. she got out of the game but you're still here bucko. you can do this.

[–]edwardhwhite4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am so sorry for your loss. When you are ready, I suggest a book called Good Grief. Reach out here whenever you need.

[–]WhoreTheorist1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am horribly sorry for your loss. I admit, I'm not well equipped to handle this type of tragedy - as I can hardly even imagine what it would be like. But just know that you are not alone. You are never alone. If you feel the need, I urge you to go to your local church or parish. I guarantee that they will help you more than I or anyone else here ever could.

[–]chiefbl2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I cannot even start to imagine what you're going through right now... I've never had a close relative pass away when I was beyond 11+. But I will try to speak my mind of the process which I would take, if I was in your position.

Look up the different phases of grief. I find it more comforting when I know where I am on this mini-detour in Life. Getting to know and understand what I am feeling according to the different phases helped a lot when I was getting of my Ex. So I would do this first.

Secondly, I would give myself an appropriate amount of time to grief. If you don't feel like hitting the gym, because you wouldn't be able to give your 100% anyways, that is absolutely fine. But, the key word here is an appropriate amount of time. I gave myself a maximum of two weeks to feel shitty about a lost relationship (pre-TRP). After that, I told myself I have to look forward in life once again. I will achieve nothing by getting distracted looking backwards.

Discipline is your greatest ally.

After the appropriate amount of time you've given yourself, you're not going to magically forget what happened and resume the life you've had. Prancing to work like a princess full of joy, stumping to the gym like a determined killer. You're going to want to keep on slacking in Life because you feel shitty. This is where discipline comes in...

  • Don't be afraid to reach out. Idle hands are the devil's playground

  • If you find yourself always wanting to stay in, you have to force yourself to get out.

  • Try to get your priorities in check as you go along this detour of your Life path. In the beginning, you should take care of yourself first. However, (if you have any) your kids and, your career are still in play. Just don't forget them in the long run.

I've learnt a lot since joining TRP around 8 months ago. But, the biggest lesson I learnt is simply a quote I stumbled upon in the comments of a thread, on how to live Life. What has been done, cannot be undone. Unfortunately. However, I hope you'll remember this quote when you've stood back up and back on track on your Life path.

“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

[–]Apexk91 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm sorry for your loss I can't offer much more then my condolences.

[–]our_guile1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm not sure anything can prepare us for something so sudden.

Take time to grieve. If you're a religious man, talk to the leaders of your church. If not, talk to your family and friends.

Take some time to write in a journal if you don't already. Just start writing if you don't know where to start. Getting your thoughts and feelings down on paper is surprisingly therapeutic, and will take a burden off your mind.

You will get through this.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes we were both Catholic. Our pairing was odd but it worked for us. I feel like fate was why we met she needed someone strong to take care of her and after finding me started taking care of me. She was only 36 I'm 25. Being with her drove me to do many amazing things and I've learned so much but being so young it's going to affect me forever.

[–]our_guile1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If your marriage worked for you, it worked. The age difference doesn't matter.

I was raised Catholic too. Talk to the priests at your church, hopefully their perspective will help.

I'm not much older than you, but the sun will rise tomorrow. Take the time now to get your and her affairs in order. Take the time to grieve. Take time to honor the experiences you shared with her.

Don't forget to keep taking care of yourself too. Keep lifting, keep focusing on your career and hobbies. Getting lost in your head won't help anyone.

You'll be ok in time, I promise.

[–]FerociousOreos1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I wish I could tell you the right things to do. But I can't. All I can offer is sympathy and tell you that you're not alone.

Years ago my soon to be fiance got pregnant. She got an abortion and then killed herself a few months after. It destroyed me.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy dealing with the sudden disappearance of loved ones. Message me if you ever want to talk. No Alpha or Beta bullshit, just talking. Nobody should be alone after that.

[–]BeklagenswertWiesel1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can't offer much advice, other than to take time to grieve. All the work you've put in so far can sustain you. Take time for youself and your children (if you have any).

Please accept my heartfelt condolences.

[–]TDCRedPill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am so sorry man. PM me if you need a stranger to dump on.

[–]troyv210 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Take some time off to cope, everyone copes differently but try get as much out as soon as you can.

[–]Si_guey0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Condolences my dude. Take a vacation from work and get away for a while. Any places on your bucket list that you want to visit?

[–]Bloo4M points points [recovered] | Copy

I took 2 weeks.

When I came back I was in a daze..

Boss said to me one day about a month in "You need to get over it" I said.."How about you suck my dick"

Quit my job on the spot. Took a year off from work (thankfully got 300k from wifes pension)

[–]theadj1231 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You did him a solid, that's some physical violence level bullshit. Condolences man, I don't even know how I'd react to my wife passing like that.

[–]Original_Dankster0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Do you have any children? That may impact any advice we could possibly offer you...

Marcus

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No children.

[–]Original_Dankster1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well- I hope this doesn't sound like I'm diminishing your loss, but that's a small positive there. My old man died when I was young, and it was pretty tough.

now is the time to lean on family and friends. You'll have significant support from them, including HER family. Don't hesitate to rely on them, but also be there to provide support for them too.

I am a combat vet, a senior NCO. I've had guys die under my command, and the responsibility of keeping my chin up for my other men helped me overcome their deaths, which I felt directly responsible for. So yeah - if you can be a rock for her family, it may help you.

If I can suggest, look into stoicism as a philosophy. Not a short term solution, but may help in the longer term.

Best to you amigo. You and your family (and in-laws) will get through this.

[–]TheGatesOfValhalla0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wow, that is awful man. We're here for you :(

[–]EnduroRacer0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Bless. I know I'm not posting anything of significance with this, but I believe you will make it through this as I imagine you've made it through many other trials and tribulations before. From one stranger on the Internet to another, I am very sorry for your loss, I'm sure she'll be smiling down on you. God bless brother, let the rest of 2017 bring nothing but happiness, joy, prosperity, health, and growth for you.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have no advice man. I just want to offer a bit of support. This is a terrible tragedy.

[–]walkingthelinux0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I lost my wife in 1998 under near identical circumstances.

This is probably not the place to post looking for insight. That is not a slam on TRP.

I support your decision to continue honoring your wife's memory as it pertains to not dating. If something changes inside of you later, then you will know it behave accordingly.

If you need to chat, shoot me a PM and we can compare stories.

[–]ghostbrainalpha0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Where does he say anything about his decision to honor his wife's memory by not dating?

[–]walkingthelinux0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"I don't even want to date or fuck other women. I had my fun and that is boring and time consuming I don't want to love again I feel like it's a drug that diminishes every time you use it."

[–]Quancreate0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Im sorry. That really really sucks.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sorry for your loss mate

[–]moresmarterthanyou0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Very sorry to hear that and my deepest condolences. Allow yourself time to greave. its okay to go on a bender but bury yourself in productive things, hobbies, gym, friends, spending time alone - whatever you need to do, take time to do it now. Dont hop back into work and try to be a man through this, you need to heal and grieve. Good luck brother.

[–]jsalathe0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am so sorry for your loss. I have always been tied myself in work in times of great personal stress. I'm aptly to t helps take your mind off your problems and partly it helps improve your financial security, which is always a good thing.

If you have kids, maybe taking a long vacation might be nice so they feel secure even in this horrible time.

[–]someboringdude0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dude marriage isnt easy. However I cant even fathom the idea of losing my girl.

[–]mickey__0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm sorry

[–]1InformalCriticism0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't know where to start...

Believe it or not, a small post like this is better than nothing. People come here for advice for a reason. I don't like speaking for others, but I've not seen many people with genuine questions come away from here disappointed.

Consider looking around your area for an older male CBT. Try to schedule something weekly for a month or so, until that routine feels normal, and then decide whether more or less is necessary.

You can honor her memory by keeping your life progress and building upon it. I'm not saying act like it never happened, but be mindful of how much this can alter your routine, then make conscious efforts to ensure that you have some routine by which you can fill your days.

Very few people suffer loss in the way you have, so accept that it will take time, accept help when it's helpful, and seek it when it's not around.

Spend time with people you trust.

Always do things you can say you were proud to have done.

And thank you for the reminder that nothing in life is guaranteed, no matter what. We can all learn from your anecdote that life is endlessly difficult, and I appreciate you speaking up about it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm sorry for your loss man. Find some comfort in that it probably happened so quickly that it was painless and she didn't have the time to fully comprehend what was happening.

[–]dr_pavel_im_cia_-5 points-4 points  (9 children) | Copy

that sucks man, but shouldn't you be busy dealing with this stuff rather than posting on reddit?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

I am but I have two brothers and a mom I support as well and don't want to place burden on them with my grief.

[–]WhoreTheorist4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don't talk like that. Everyone needs time to grieve, including you. Simply bottling up your emotions will leave you dead inside - either that or exploding into tears when you least expect it. Emotions are meant to be handled, not suppressed.

[–]RojoEscarlata1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your family is the only place where you as a man will find compassion, don't shy away from them.

[–]lurkrastinator points points [recovered] | Copy

Wtf man, if he wants some support here let it be.

[–]dr_pavel_im_cia_1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I didn't shoot the guy down in any way; I'm making sure his priorities are straight. If she died today, I'm sure there are 1000 things he should be doing to get things in order or deal with grief. If this is his vehicle of dealing with it, then it's fine. I'm just looking out for him.

[–]Bloo4M points points [recovered] | Copy

Your pretty much in a haze for 3 or so days. Not much you can do just yet. Takes a few days before you can set up the funeral, focus on bills etc..

I took 2 weeks...1 week for the funeral, 1 week for finances and kids.

As a man your expected to "bounce back" fast.

[–]dr_pavel_im_cia_1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I had no idea... I've never had to deal with a serious loss. Good luck /u/bmer92 through this tough time.

[–]AgainstItAllAgain0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah it's still pretty early in the morning I guess



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