I need some help understanding where I am at and where I am going. I know there is so much more to do and I think I am constantly making excuses for my choices.

Background(This is information is based on looking back and self reflection.)

I never knew this but when I was single I exhibited a few alpha traits that when coupled with a few things I had nothing to do with(6'5" and overall looks) I could always get laid. Even with this oversized beer belly. Wasn't a girl I ever considered out of my league or maybe I always went after the sure things, not sure about this. I started intense sexual relationships with ease and built long term relationships. The beginning was always great and then the conditioning I never understood till I started reading here would take over. Yes ma'am. Whatever you want. What can I do for you today? I'd transform into a beta do whatever I can to keep this person happy at all costs. I put each and every girl way above me because you know society. They all ended the same, me unsatisfied(never naturally getting what I had so easily before), anger(covert contracts), and a complete and total loss of frame.

Time would go by, I would sulk for a week or two and I was back at it starting the process over with someone else. I made an incredible amount of bad choices. The last one May of last year I was sure was the "one". I could offer up a list of bullshit that actually raises eyebrows on the coincidence meter. And when it inevitably hit that end something different happened. An old buddy hit me up out of the blue and we talked about relationships and he said to me something I will never forget. The only constant in all of my relationships was me. Ton of fucking bricks hitting me across my face.

I started out on a path of self discovery and introspection. And just like that the Baader-Meinhof principle took hold and a post from TwoX was bitching about something called theredpill. "Hey I liked the Matrix what can be so bad about waking up?" Intrigued I followed the link and proceeded to blow my mind thirty times the level Fight Club did. I read, I read and I read some more. I ate it all up. I started reading No More Mister Nice Guy. Every page describing me. It's the shortest book I haven't finished and I have no idea why.

The Problem

I guess I started to act out some of the principles. I was lifting about a month in of 3-4 times a week. I was respecting myself. And I was using game. I got back out there and got laid as a Red Pill Initiate. And it didn't stop with just one. I needed more and I pulled a large amount of tail. I'd collect text messages of these women as trophies describing how glorious I am at everything from sex to just all around man. And I did all of this without sacrificing me.

The sex was great but different. I really for the first time in my life didn't care. I never had emotionally detached sex. I must have decided internally that this sex while physically great was lacking something more. So I played a game with myself. If she fucked the first night applying what I know that's all she would ever be to me. And EVERY SINGLE ONE FUCKED. And I collected my trophies.

Limbo

I don't know what took place, maybe I discovered AWALT as an experience instead of just reading the wisdom spread here.

I didn't care as much about getting laid. In fact all I seem to care about is work. I work in the oil industry one week on at night from 6pm to 6am. On slow nights I do nothing. I watch movies. I watch TV Shows play the occasional video game. On my off-week I am a father of two kids and work another job at home(Very similar to my current job in fact it's like taking calls only 10% of the work I normally do) Monday - Friday. I spend this time doing the same stuff during my week except I play more video games. I have no desire to go out and get laid its all the same. I have no desire work out(I think this is because I rational working out = getting laid). So I work. I make money. And I raise my kids. I feel like I can't be motivated to working out. I can't be motivated to spending all this ABSURD amount of time on positive things. I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. And while I am mildly happy making all this money and buying things I don't need. I want to change. I just don't have that enemy anymore. That thing I need to be better. I need a rival to push me. Any advice on this please let me know.