Now im using a throwaway account but this post has basically been triggered by this post: http://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2pzxq2/how_to_break_up_with_a_plate_and_be_the_good_guy/ I want everyone to know I was really bad with women growing up. I was always nervous and anxious and had crushes easily. Here we go:

Background: The girl. Now this post only confirmed my worst fear in women that 95% of the time they wont build you, only want to have you when you have everything going for you. Now the girl i fell in love with was absolutely an HB10. Most guys think omfg HB10?!?! holy shit shes hot so she becomes a HB10. No i wouldn't just consider this girl just "hot" this girl was fucking beautiful. Just small enough flaws to make you think alright she isn't perfect but that's okay and make you comfortable but just enough beauty to get every fucking guy to chase after her. Not just chase her they would immediately fall in love with her. K now you got a bit of an idea of her beauty she was also a small town and strictly raised catholic that changed her identification later to protestant. Quiet girl also mind you but not really shy very confident but also a sense of nervousness being the new girl in town. Brunette, blue eyes simply a deadly combination. I met her as a coworker in a restaurant. She was just a host and I was just a server.

Anyways Lets begin about me now...

Part 1 My background Me growing up from a very large conservative Muslim family and having a very religious mother and bat shit crazy older sister i was raised pretty much blue pill but not as much as you would think. Ya I was a "nice guy" but I always naturally have alpha traits in me and i naturally rebelled. I was the kid who got kicked out of class (or sat next to the usually female teacher) or sent to the principles office for some bullshit and considered by far the funniest guy in the classroom (not the annoying purposely trying to seek attention clown I just did some really dumb shit or said some really dumb shit). 15 years old i was about to lose my virginity to a 14 year old girl but got caught exchanging emails by my mom. At this point she simply told me how would you feel if i had sex with other men ? basically this caused me to start just watching porn instead. I was a popular guy during my freshman and sophomore years but then i got into a huge fight with my supposedly close friends over them always fucking with my little brother who was like 7. One day they took shit to far and i flipped shit (dont get me wrong he was an annoying kid but a good kid who only meant well and hang out with the older guys). I didn't want to talk to them or associate with them i chose my brother over them and wouldn't even apologizing for bullying him. I went dark/quiet during my junior year and i stopped talking to people If i had other old friends who wanted to sit with me and hang out my old "close friends" would detract them and basically i lost them as well. They made sure no matter how many times i got in with the popular crowd that they would stop chilling with me and i didn't do anything at the time... I would just let it go plus the fact i was 5'6 and knew i couldn't take on those guys in a fight as much as i wanted too. I still did football and wrestling but i started to hang out with lesser people in the social circle ghetto kids and nerds. I graduated high school with a 1.8 gpa went to prom with no date cause i was to nervous to ask anyone at that point lost all confidence in myself. So i take a year off before i go to community college and im working in the shittiest fucking job you can imagine at 18 years old. Im was a lone busser for a cafe with older foreign fucks who treat you like shit and did this for 10 months. It was the most miserable moment of my life and it was absolutely the unhappiest I ever been but now this was the kick in the ass i truly needed. It woke me the fuck up and proceeded my first initial change in life. I went to community college starting to really study and chose my major as IT. I started to go to the gym 6 days a week and got really cut. I finished 2 n a half years at community college with cum laud distinction. I transferred to a university and at this point is where i met HB10.

Part 2 HB10 comes into my life.

Everything in my life was going for me again. My coworkers at my new restaurant respected and adored me. I was starting a new social circle life from scratch and becoming the man again but this time a lot edgier and smarter. I was in an engineering program with no student loans and a year n half off from graduating. (i am 21 at the time) HB10 (she is 25) came a little later after a year n half i was in this restaurant and basically had the status of the "alpha male" i was thrown fuck buddys and other coworkers who wanted to hook up but i refused because at the time i was still a nice guy who wanted a relationship to lose my virginity too. Not a FWB situation and not some trashy chick. Now i didn't know how good looking i was (i never thought i was ugly neither just some average dude) because i was always insecure of my height but never really showed it. I was really naive at the time and when HB10 came i was floored. The excitement i had to just meet this chick and see what kinda girl she was got me excited. Of course this chick was a cheerleader at her university and this white girl well she can drink. Red flags and im thinking okay typical white girl but damn she is so fucking gorgeous. She moved from northern ohio to dc for an internship so im personally thinking okay she may not last that long here if shes working a free internship (they usually 80% of the time come n gone). So im thinking damn oh well. Now i never really talked to her at first i let other coworker dudes get at her first and not show like i really care but my SMV was high as they would always try to socialize with me no matter what i was doing and i would kinda ignore her I do this naturally but we talked a little here and there. At a coworkers party is where things started to escalate I went dark chilling and eating in a corner not drinking but coworkers of course trying to get me to drink. I kept refusing and they got her to drink a bit (she seems to be easily influenced). We started talking about things in common and what not and came to a point where she was looking for a ride. This is the first time in my life i ever really gave a drunk chick a ride and on my way to my car she was just consistently asking me for questions. Like why don’t I drink? How old am I? And just some stuff about the party that we both made fun of a bit. She isn’t the type to really talk behind someone’s back which I found attractive also. I drop her off tell her good night and don’t really do anything she says thank you and goes ahead and leaves to her apartment. At this point she is chasing me and she is chasing me hard in the most discrete way possible. Comes to “check” her schedule during my one shift I’m not working with her and start a bit of small talk. Next thing I know she is quitting drinking now this really turned me on to the point where I didn’t just like her I was starting to fall for her. This is where I start to fuck up, she could have gone to New York with her friend instead she decided to come to the Christmas party and omfg she was fucking beautiful (I tried avoiding her as long as I could by talking to other coworkers because I got fucking nervous). After a stressful first semester at my University I decided to let go and actually drink. Bad move. She drank as well but I totally could not handle my liquor intake. Basically made a fool of myself at the party even though we danced and had a good time. My coworkers came up to me and said something along the lines of you two would make a really good couple and the other said ask her out right now (they were both pretty wasted and I was just fucking embarrassed cause I did really like her… she saved it later by joking about a date we could have with a restaurant gift card she won). Anyways I blew my chance to really seal the deal with her. I don’t know what held me back the fact she was older or the fact I was just a total pussy who isn’t use to this especially from a girl as gorgeous and as kind as this. I got her number that night so that was a plus.

Part 3 The departure

Now I never complimented her… it was an always an awkward vibe between us. My female coworker mentioned that she said I was a great guy. Like we liked each other but I didn’t know what to do with her (ya ya you make her a plate and you fuck her brains out but I was in fucking love with this girl and wanted a relationship to work out I was a “Geeeeewwwd” guy). Two weeks later I go on a ski trip while she is on Christmas break with her family I dislocate my fucking shoulder snowboarding. This causes me to miss work for the next month and during this span she quits and gets a job being a host in a hotel paying 20/hr (I know what the fuck). I tried adding her on facebook but she rejected my friend request but she added some of my coworkers which I didn’t understand… I stalked her facebook consistently after that I couldn’t fucking help it. She started working 72 hours a week so I left her alone doing her internship and hotel gig. I still have her contact number but man I started missing her but made sure I didn’t make any contacttill I felt the time was right or I had a real reason too I asked her out for coffee to catch up but she declined and gave me that 72 hour excuse I could understand she didn’t have time for my insecure bullshit and I understood that. I couldn’t jack off for about a month and a half it was that fucking bad how much I was in love with this girl. So 4 months pass by and spring comes and one thing we really had in common was volleyball. I gave her my word I would hit her up when I go out and play some beach vball with friend and did she got really excited when I did and came out we had a blast. It seemed she was really into me again I can see what I did right. Had high SMV among my friends without saying to much but had control of the entire day and she stuck to me like fucking glue. I went out to eat she tagged along (she paid for her portion but I took care most of the bill among friends and the tip), I went out to grab some ice cream she tagged along (I bought her some which she wouldn’t stop thanking me for…). I called her out to play vball again and this time some chicks joined and started flirting with me which I think may have gotten her jealous but she pretended nothing was happening basically same thing I do when I see her getting hit on by dudes who are playing vball (I just ignored it as if nothing was happening and kept enjoying my game).

Part 4 the date

So I text this girl that there’s a really cool place I want to show her that I think she would like (I didn’t tell her what we were going). Yeah I texted her to get her to come out really lame on my part but wait you will see why I did that. She agreed. My mentality was she may not be staying here any longer if she doesn’t get this job from this internship so I might as well just show her a good time. I honestly did love her that much that I didn’t even know I was setting up a date. So I come to pick her up of course im dressed in fucking gym shorts and a t shirt and lord and behold I have never seen a girl look as fucking beautiful and yet so fucking sexy at the same time. It was fucking holy how hot she was and I just stood there with my mouth open like a fucking idiot while she uttered “oh no are we doing something else?!?!”I just replied with “uh no im just really comfortable in these cloths sorry” she said “ oh okay im really curious where we are going ”. Okay me being the totally new at this shit loser that I was I still didn’t think it was a date I literally had the mindset of just showing this girl a good time and getting to know her better. I basically took her to a specific religious monument and basically told her to be my tour guide in a joking manner. God damn she would not stop talking and boy did she open up about her life. This made me feel really really good about myself and there was a point where there was a lot of sexual tension where it really seemed she wanted a kiss. Eyes staring at my lips Voice slowing down, my heart was racing and I was getting an erection. BUT REMEMBER FUCKING GOOD GUY ME said no and Infuckingstead I moved my ear in closer to her voice and pretended I couldn’t hear her. We kept moving on around and she still talked openly/carefree. Every guy was staring at her (preists, pope lookin niggahs, extreamly religious dudes) than us, it was scary and at one point this guy at the info desk started hitting on her in front of me in a friendly manner as if I was some sort of dipshit. I didn’t say anything just let him talk and talk and talk. Found out a lot about her just from this desperate chode. I took her out to eat after words and it seemed we just couldn’t really separate from each other it was just a really comfortable time with each other. Another thing I learned is that I could not eat for shit around her. It was fucking annoying. She talked about how her older sister (now married) got pregnant at 18 and how the original guy wasn’t ready to be a father. (Now personally conservative me I’m just glad they didn’t get an abortion so I kind of liked that from her family but also hated the lack of responsibility hoping she would learn from her sisters mistakes and be even more conservative about sex). Also her father is very sensitive with his daughters and supposedly has mental issues (not sure if this is a beta father) with them not being safe she said it in “oh he shouldn’t worry about us” tone but I immediately snapped back defending him saying I do not blame him at all. Anyways I drop her off and just let her know that I hope she had fun. She seemed to have genuinely enjoyed the day but also seemed nervous I didn’t make any physical contact. I was honestly too nervous at the time and I wasn’t sure If I could keep up financially with her age group (26-30) and I did not want to be distracted with college because that shit was fucking kicking my ass. The next time I asked her out this time by phone I sounded fucking nervous as shit but tried to remain calm and asked her out on mother’s day. (My parents went to turkey so I had a free pass and I knew she was alone here so I thought what the hell I’ll take her to an amusement park.) Asked her over the phone told her just make sure she’s got her entire day free and I got a yes. Now this was right after my finals and I didn’t contact her for two weeks but I let her know I just finished my finals. The problem with this was that I stayed up for two n a half days straight and when the date came I woke up really fucking tired but she texted me how she had a million little things to do and apologized for not thinking about that when I asked her out. Basically told her I understand and after a few little texts here and there I went back to sleep.

Part 5 attraction seems to be in free fall

We hung out here and there but it was never official just getting to know each other and trying to make our lives a little settled. I found an IT job before I graduated hoping to impress her which it did a bit but also made her insecure she hasn’t found a real job. Now the IT job was awesome and met some great people but I also started working two jobs and went full time finishing up as a student. Things got really really stressful for me. I couldn’t get a hold of her anymore that much and I was going through major family issues. Sister wants to marry a white dude and parents don’t approve. I talked to this about her and tried not to show too much emotion but I couldn’t keep a strong frame. I showed the situation has affected me and I started talking to her about my problems a bit and she started to talk about her problems. 2013 was a year that was just testing me to no end. Not only was I in love and trying to not seem like it is affecting me but I had a family fued going on that I was caught in the middle of along with two jobs and in an engineering program. Life fucking sucked. Worse comes to worse when I started stalking her facebook I saw a much more financially stable guy offer her a plane ticket somewhere. This hit my insecurity’s really hard. Regardless if this was her ex or just some love interest this fucking hurt and brought some unintended emotional pain. Was it the fact I knew I could never have her? If I did I sure as fuck couldn’t take care of her. Hell I was still living with my parents making sure I could manage paying my tuition so I could graduate debt free. Anyways I broke contact with her for about 3 months because she started to become really flaky so I just said fuck it I got sick of always trying to contact her first.

Part 6 Reunite

So I walk into the grocery store with my coworkers that I’m about to give a ride too and of course there she is as I’m entering the store and she is about to walk out. Its winter and I got my full lushes beard going on which she has never seen but she knows exactly who I am and tries to make small talk with me. I try avoiding her but she seemed persistent to just talk to me about little things. It made me feel like shit god seeing her without makeup and that quite innocent vibe she always has got me to really misses her. She was as beautiful as ever. I had to call her that night. I did she picked up and it was really awkward… “It was nice seeing you!” in a really excited voice from her that seriously melted my heart. In an awkward tone I just said “it was always really nice seeing you”. We both sounded just defeated… “I asked her you doing anything tomorrow you wanna catch up?”. She said “yeah uh… I have some errands but what time did you have in mind?” I said “I actually have an entire day off tomorrow so just text me I should be free.” The next day we basically walked around a mall for 3 hours just talking and catching up. I asked her straight up though “why didn’t you just contact me these past 4 months? I don’t understand.” She immediately lied which really pissed me off as I felt like I was being disrespected and treated like a fucking idiot. “Oh I was looking for a job and I couldn’t come out to play volleyball because I hurt my ankle.” She immediately tried to turn it on me “why did you think I would keep coming out to play?” I said “I don’t care. I just don’t understand why it was so hard for you to contact me? I’m not going to keep asking you to come out.” I also found out she’s back into drinking a lot again because I mentioned something about the gym and got it confused with some drinks. She was like “I wish they served (specific drink) at the gym hehe”. That turned me off… I let her know that I was basically almost done but my most stressful semester is coming up and currently this shit is like a prison for me and that I am currently doing 2 jobs. She asked me if my IT job had good job security I told her no as it was a contract position and I could definitely find something better when I graduate. She also tried to bring the topic of sex up I think by mentioning the movie rush after we had an awkward silence of just not talking for a good 30 seconds. She kept the conversation going by bringing up movies as the topic but I failed on most of them because I really didn’t have the time to see any of them and she understood. She knew how stressed out I was. I walked her to her apartment complex and just gave her a hug telling her ill see her around. That was the last time I saw her. Why? I asked her out 3 weeks later after my finals asking her out on my only night off (Friday night) called her up and this time didn’t sound awkward at all and very confident. She sounded awkward, gave off some excuses, and basically she declined (I usually ask her out on Sunday but I purposely wanted to make this difficult and see if she actually cared or not). She thought about it for a good week I mean she mentioned about her roommates party and that she needs to go set it up on Friday night (which I thought was total horseshit). Now I didn’t care too much that shit declined I was like fuck it ill just friendzone her and maybe she has hot friends or something I just don’t care anymore. Then she did something that really fucking pissed me off. I mean really really pissed me off. I was hoping she would not do this but she did. She reiterated through text on Thursday night while I was taking my last final that she couldn’t come out to hang out and thanked me for the invite. Oh the anger I had. I made my final mistake with her here when I simply ask. That’s fine but I gotta ask whats your email? She never responded and I proceeded to delete her number and moved on.

Finale. Now im done with college got a decent paying job and about to get another IT job cause I want to move the fuck out but I do NOT want to rent. I want my own property. I have since deleted all my social media, Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin. Anyways I still think about her a year later and my best friend who she played with volleyball just twice saw her at the mall. He took some pictures he kept private on his Facebook so that’s how he remembered her but I don’t know how she remembers him. Supposedly she started nervously looking at him and starting at him then playing with her hair looking away and he noticed he knew her from somewhere but ignored it but looked back and there she was staring at him again. He told me she got very pale (I guess she didn’t want to come to the courts where I was at anymore nor did she even go out). Plus she’s still single. A girl as gorgeous as that is still single blows my mind. Now I don’t know but I could assume she was stalking his Facebook (remember she never added me in the first place no clue why). I found out after stalking her Facebook one more time that the guy she was in a previous LTR (6 years) with was a fucking stud dude. I knew she had been hurt before but I didn’t know what I was really up against lol. I mean this fucker became a model. I personally think that is the biggest fucking joke for a man to enter as a profession and find it hilarious but yeah this dude was good looking. I consider myself pretty good looking but obviously the 6’1 perfect fucker vs my 5’6 ass loses that battle when it comes to raw physical prowess. Anyways I have an uneasy feeling I will run into her again. She’s turning 28 and I’m currently 23. I want to think okay whatever shes going to hit the wall soon and basically she can go fuck herself but I know I fucked up to the point where I forced her hand in lying and losing her. I believe now I could have handled that situation better but I like to think that during struggle true women would be there for you. I hate her yet I still love her. I got what I needed and now every chick I talk too means absolutely nothing to me. They could be hot as shit or easy as shit I just don’t care. Ive become a true bad boy where girls in my office with boyfriends try to create sexual tension with me. I could tell if a girl likes me immediately without me even trying or if there isn’t really much going on (usually if im dismissed because of height I can tell 50% chicks really like me while 50% autofriendzone me yet admit I am “cute” God I hate that term.) I have mastered other people and am still trying to figure myself out. The other night playing shuffleboard a girl came up rubbed my back down to grab my ass. I was like the fuck and just ignored her. I don’t know what it is as much as I love my new and improved self I just wish I could really have another shot at a girl like this if anything hopefully younger. I have become cold. I have a very keen interest on human behavior now. My biggest fear is myself because I have realized how cutthroat I really am. My inner alpha has always been there but I have noticed have a dual personality (a yin and yang). The bad boy side that always seems to cause mischief and trouble and the good guy side that just wants to make fun of himself and make people laugh and enjoy his life for what it is. The bad boy side has taken over my major personality nowadays where before it made sure I didn’t get too taken advantage of by my good guy side. I don’t try to be nice anymore; people must earn it unless I truly feel it’s to my advantage to be kind. Before discovering theredpill about 3 months ago everything in their confirmed what I felt and how I went about my life. I can honestly truly say I am a natural alpha now and a true Machiavellian as I have applied the 48 laws of power through my entire life. I chose respect over love. If I run into her again I honestly don’t know what I will do. My anger tells me to pretend she is dead and never acknowledge her existence. My evil cold side tells me to just fuck her and use her like a tool (not sure if im this cold yet). My good guy side tells me it’s my fault and you could have done better and I wish for one more chance. No matter the case I have no regrets of anything. I have only learned and progressed in life to a point where I am always 10 steps ahead of the curve. The only thing that drives me though now is anger...She breaking my heart facilitated it.