Edit: Thanks for anyone kind enough to read my long and badly written post, this is an extreme beta scenario that turned a great relationship into a shithole.

Hi guys, just wanted to let you know how i F****ed up being a total beta bitch, and i'm feeling terrible about it.

I'm 25 and haven't had a girlfriend before. I met a very cute good looking girl about a year ago, i asked her out and then backed out without telling her, then about a month later i asked her again and she agreed once again and i bailed one more time. Finally the 3rd time i did went out with her and it all went perfectly, she even asked me for a second date and baked me a cake... (no girl had ever done something as nice as she did on our second date!), we continued dating and she kept being extra nice with me, giving me small details and being extremely nice, warm, she was really kinky, smart, she had awesome hobbies (she's a visual artist and she climbs) . with all this she gave me oneitis.

I started telling myself: look what she does for you, she really likes you , she's definitely not playing games so you should probbably just be yourself from now on, so i started buying her flowers or candie out of the blue, just because i wanted to, not because there was a reason to give them.

After 8 months of what seemed to be the perfect relationship (she loved cooking delicious things for me, wanted to fuck all the time) i was going out with my friends, so i called her and she didn't picked up, so i got mad and drunk but i didn;t do anything. The next day i called her up and talked to her (still a little bit drunk) for about an hour and decided to meet up. I went to her house and she starts crying , telling me that she felt like i sounded guilty in the morning and that she thought something was wrong, that i should've told her that i was mad with her because she didn;t answered or returned my call (which i probably dialed wrong being a little bit drunk at the time) she tells me about the only other guy she dated as much as me at the time, with whom she had a really good relationship untill one day at the 8 month mark he did something terrible and had to broke up with him, she tells me this in tears (what he did was extremely horrible) and i told her i was having some troubles myself, but that she shouldn't worry we were going to be fine.

This time it crossed my mind the posibility of breaking up with this girl (oneitis much) .

I started doing a lot of things out of fear, i started calling her and if she didn;t called me back i would call her again and again (she told me it was annoying that i just called her once and waited for her to call me back when she didn't picked up the phone) i started sacrificing my own things for her, if i had something to do and she told me she had something else, i would do what she suggested, i started making long term plans with her, i kept telling her that i wanted to move in with her and she told me it was awesome that i talked to her about a future together.

Then i started noticing that i was the one always looking to hang out with her, she always waited for me to make contact and she started being less horny and less affective, so i asked her what was going on, and she told me she was going through some stuff (altho i know realize she started doing this because she was losing all the respect she had for me) that she couldn't tell me, so i told her i was there for her when she needed to tell me everything and went into super nice mode.

Everything i was doing for her kept failling, she kept growing distant and i felt like she wasn't loving me as much as she once did, i was losing her, so i started being even more "romantic" and tried to hard, sex was non existant at this point which didn't helped, she used to initiate sex like all the time before and i couldn't believe that was happening. She kept telling me it was all because of her problems, and i believed her (they are really sensitive stuff that she couldn't tell me , at least not at this point).

About a month ago, me tired of what was going on i started not contacting her, not cancelling my plans in order to do hers, and started telling her to do stuff with me instead of asking her (started swallowing the redpill) and i was kind of working, she called me and told me that she misses me, but still we couldn't meet that week, on friday i called her and tell her that we should go grab dinner at a burguer joint, she tells me she'd love to but she needed to take some pictures of an even here in town, that maybe we could go together, and i got really angry, she cancelled on me movies on wednesday even tho i had already bought the tickets, and we couldn't meet up for a week, and instead of giving me my time, she wanted me to go to her event and watch how she took pictures, so i told her she should do that on her own time, that i didn't wanted to go and be there watching her take pictures, she started crying (i was really dumb and angry and told her in a really bad way) and we ended up going to eat some burguers.

Next day i was going to pick her up to go to a pool party, but she felt weird, i knew it since i started driving , she was breaking up with me.I told myself, she's breaking up with you, you should just tell her ok and move on. But i couldn't she told me that she wasn't feeling the relationship was working for about 2 months (coincidence?) and that she had never seen herself with someone in the long run (even tho she told me that she even wanted to have kids with me), we talked and cried for about 6 hours, in which i was extremely stupid and told her that i was acting like that because i read a book (models, i know extremely stupid) and started telling her all my inseciurities, after a little while i told her she should tell me everything she wanted because this was going to be probbably the last time we would meet, and started pushing her to open up with me. She told me her issues and started crying a lot, i got really angry about everything that happened to her, and told her it was going to suck to know that she was in this much pain and i wouldn't be there to help her, she told me she didn't wanted to break up anymore and i told her she was emotional, that she should think things through.

2 days later i go to her house and give her a cake and a note, telling her that i would be there for her, that this would make us stronger, she tells me she's sorry and that she wanted to be with me again, so we got back together.

I start sending her little notes everyday with candies or flowers once again, trying to make her happy (after what she told me that happened to her) i started planning really cool dates for her and i thought it was all going well, except she was being extremely not affectionate, we used to hold hands all the time and wanted to fuck all the time , and now i couldn't even get her to kiss me, i took her out on a perfect date in which she started trying to kiss me, hold my hand and wanted to have sex, altho we couldn't, it was the perfect date.

2 days later i made her an origami shark asking her to the movies with me, i went and left it at her home so that she saw it when she got back from work, instead of just her mom comming out for the origami shark, she comes out and asks me to come in, i tell her i was in a hurry and didn't expected to see her, she tells em she's not feeling secure about the relationship and that she cannot be at this point of time in a relationship, that there is something wrong with her and that i don't deserve to be treated like she's treating me right now and then practically kicks me out of the house (fuck me right?), i went back and gave her a letter i had written before, telling her that i would always be there for her (irony) and left it at her house. and then called her to see if we could talk, i went and i started telling her that i had a lot of fun in the relationship and that i would always care for her, that i wanted her to be well and practically said my goodbyes i also told her i was really insecure when she didn;t answered her phone and told her i had confidence issues, she told me i shouldn't, im a really good guy .

once again on monday i contact her and tell her i was going to her house, she told me okay and she starts crying as soon as she sees me, i told her i wanted to share with her some good news and that i was leaving, and i gave her another letter, telling her that i shoul've been stronger and that i shoul've helped her deal with her stuff, that she didn;t had to go through this on her own and that i was going to be there for her, i told her she should contact me on 2 weeks because i wanted to tell her somethings and wanted to know what was going on.

She calls me the next day and tells me that she doesn't thinks meeting up with me is a good idea, and that she was going on holyday with her gran parents, i told her i really need some answers to move on and she tells me she still doesn't have any answers, so i told her she should contact me once she does. I should have ended the call right here, but i didn't i kept telling her i should have asked her what she was dealing with and that she should've been more open with me (thinking she was breaking up with me because of her problems) and told her she always deals with shit alone and that she shouldn't , that what i did for her to support her was wrong and i should've handled things different, and then i told her i wasn't going to tell her more things, that i really wanted to tell her everything when we met, and she tolds me not to worry, i could tell her twice, and then we hangup.

i then regreted it and sent her a text telling her she didn't owed me any explanations (even tho i do think she owes me) and that i wanted her to get better, that i wanted her to be happy always, that i understood. And that's the last i contacted her.

Now i know she broke up with me with an excuse, probably because she didn't consciously know that she stopped loving me because i was a beta, because i was giving everything for her and i feel like i handled the break up as bad as i could, i get the lesson now, i just wish that i could've learned my lesson with someone who wasn't worth it, this girl was definitely worth it when i was in control of the relationship and i totally screwed it up, my beta heart is trying to contact her now and tell her that i screwed up, that i went nervous and insecure and some point, but now i know that everytime i contact her im losing her respect even harder, that all my worries about what she was dealing are dumb because they are just a bullshit excuse so that she feels better about dumping me, i'm now in full redpill mode, i should've broken up with her the minute i wasn't confortable and that everytime i contact her i am fucking up the image that she had from me, that she'll remember me by my blue pill days and not my red pill days and that is going to suck, i'm in a pretty bad shape and was wondering if anyone has some advice for a bluepill dumped guy that will forever regret going bluepill on a great girl that just wanted a strong man to help her out.

I feel really bad because i stripped her of guilt on the last text that i sent her, and i really want to get some respect back from her, is there a way? something i could do or say to improve my lame break up mistakes i mean anything i could do now to gain some respect back? it will always haunt me how bluepill i went with this girl.