After being extremely dubitative about TRP, I've found such good and insightful advice on RPW that I feel the need to submit the problem to you. I believe this is going to be quite long, since my own feelings aren't quite settled. While this has been going on for a while (possibly my entire childhood, even though I didn't notice at all), the situation really hit me this Christmas.

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When I was about 6, my mother met a French man. He told her he enjoyed children, and since her main concern was providing a good father figure for me, they got married. We moved from Russia to France, quickly got the citizenship. It's been about 12 years. I'm now 20 and living on my own in another city.

My father has always been very shy, worryingly so. He always stuck to video games (he'd wake up at 5am before work to play, get on his computer as soon as he comes back) and this was the main point of our socialization early on. I still enjoy them while not being nearly as committed to the hobby as he is. He also has been a pretty good father. He mainly was useful in using his big manly voice when my mother couldn't get to me (as i was always a very argumentative child that would debate in five-parts every single thing that was asked of me). I never called him dad, always by his last name. I have good memories with him, but his awkwardness has always made us have a tangible physical and emotional distance. I'm trying to get some redeemable qualities in there : I know how difficult (and, at the same time... adventurous? exciting? world-changing?) it must have been to start a relationship with a woman from a whole different country (albeit... extremely RP-oriented).

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Yet, six years ago, my sister was born. She's beautiful, adorable and very very different from me. I was a blonde child ready to stand on any chair and recite any poem, raised between Russia and France, always very committed to my grades and artistic extracurriculars. My sister is very shy with strangers but becomes a crazy, goofy baby with us, jumping around, being extremely focused and dedicated to whatever would interest her and, most importantly, crazy about sports. She would practice something everyday after school. My mother has expressed worry that she might not have the time to do her homework properly or get enough rest. I think my stepfather has taken it very seriously to "celebrate our differences" but this approach his much too extreme. I think those years are formative to her and I don't know how to get him to understand that. While sports are very important, she's in this education game for at least another 12 years and slacking right now will just make it extremely disencouraging further down the road.

My stepfather would always leave it to my mother to do homework with her. Which means that a woman who has learned the language 15 years ago is apparently more qualified to teach a child how to pronounce words than a 47-year-old man. I would step in wherever I could, but I'm finishing an undergraduate degree in Law. And this is where I start to get increasingly more angry, since we're touching on the heart of the issue.

My stepfather has never finished an undergraduate degree. He wins 1,7k euros per month preparing dissections for the medicine students. While this may not be that important, this is the kind of job students preparing their thesis may have for a few years. He has never shown any sign of being willing to evolve, even for himself, since he despises his job. The disrepancy is also forbidding. My mother has been published in multiple publications and taught Ethnology in multiple universities. She finished her Masters' degree (again) in France, was published, and then gave up everything because my father told her a doctorate wouldn't be appropriate since I was entering middle school and he needed help with finances (note that my mother was offered a spot, which never happens). She then became a translater and working up to 10 hours a day to provide about 2k per month to compensate. 3,7k is very little, especially since my stepfather would often have the brilliant idea of buying 2 guitars (he doesn't play) or 3 computers (one of which I used and the other two are collecting dust). When my boyfriend came down to visit me, our political debates were ridiculous. He would spew the biggest controversial theory then quickly agree with us as soon as we backed our opinions with solid facts.

My mother is an extremely resilient woman. She has cleaned and cooked and taken care of me and paid for everything and listened to my drama and helped wherever she could. She has not made any comment. I cannot emphasize how strong and intelligent and supportive and caring she is. Two years ago, right when I left to pursue my undergraduate degree, she got breast cancer. Could have been avoided if her gynecologist actually listened to her, but she had to actually forcefully get him to check and diagnose her. She got chemio, hormonal therapy and radiotherapy. Not once did he visit her when she went to the hospital to get those treatments. He actually made us sign up for a free taxi service for sick people because he is afraid of driving downtown.

The worst thing is he never ever took up some of the housework. It may seem so futile, I mean, what's some housework? But my mother is here, with no hair, no strength left from her years of being absolutely invincible, and he's sitting behind his computer. Is that what a real man acts like? Not touching any "female activities"? She still worked the same amount and he did not advance at all. He once told me he needed "to evade himself after work" and couldn't study more. How can someone be so willing to keep up with a horrible situation, not better himself, not help my mother, not pick up his clothes or dishes or mop the floor? Not help my sister read better?

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This Christmas break I broke down in front of him. I was in tears. I was afraid of losing my mother to the craziness that it is to feel completely alone, under the entirety of housework. He has also been recently driving another woman's daughter around even though he was always afraid of driving me anywhere. I cried and he remained stoic. He then told me she asked of impossible things (our 70 year-old grandfather had to take down the tree in the backyard), was generally erratic and that he needed the rest. That his health wasn't good. He recently got a pain in the elbow. How does that compare to breast cancer? He just kept repeating my own arguments back to me while changing them up. He would get offended even if I brought the subject up gently. Eventually, I couldn't be so gentle any longer. A man should be able to take some criticism without shrivelling up and being on the defensive and I will not accept anything else as the norm.

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I know this is ultimately up to my mother. But I feel so terrible about this situation. I'm afraid for my sister, since I think his influence would be much more direct on her than it was on me. I think this is really driving my mother to the grave. I think he makes her feel insane even though she only is asking for basic human decency. What would be my impact in this situation?