For those of you with problem marriages and considering an affair (Dread Level 11), I want to tell you what happened to me as a warning. In short, if you are going to have an affair (I’m not talking about visiting a prostitute or getting a happy ending at a massage parlor – I’m talking about an affair where you are emotionally involved with the woman) if you’re going to do this you need to be at the point where you are ready to end the marriage. If you are not up to Level 11, you are not ready for the affair or the termination of the marriage. Here’s my story…

Refer to my earlier post about my overweight and my time in Djibouti. I am married, she is divorced (no kids). Both of us are starving for a close emotional, physical, and sexual relationship. She has been without a LTR for several years and my 16 year marriage was drying up. The affair lasted ~6 months and was very passionate and very sexual. We created an emotional bond with each other that was so intense that we were both surprised how strong we connected. We were perfectly sexually compatible and we met each other’s emotional needs completely. I have never felt such a deep connection to another woman and she felt the same. It was astounding what we felt for each other. I wish I could put it in words more clearly how profound this connection was.

It wasn’t long before we were saying “I love you” and dreaming of a life together outside the confines of the construction project site where we lived and worked in Djibouti. Laying there in her arms, it seemed so easy to end my marriage and start a life with this women. The details of moving back to the USA or how to handle the kids seemed secondary. I had finally felt love and that’s all that mattered. People would see us sitting outside and say “You guys look so happy together.” We were….happiest I’ve ever been in my life. But I made sure never to promise her anything. As much as my vision was clouded with her love…as much as we day dreamed of a “regular” life together, I couldn’t bring myself to promise her anything because deep down I just didn’t know what would happen. That’s caused a tremendous amount of stress in her because at 43 and single with no family, she knew time for a “regular” life with a good guy was slipping away. I was her chance to have the life she never had and I think she never “heard” me say I can’t promise anything. In her mind, we would be together as soon as I got back to Dubai and divorced my wife.

When my time in Djibouti ended and I got back to Dubai I started marriage counseling. I still talked to my affair partner (AP) telling her how much I missed her and loved her and that I needed to see how things went. This went on for about a month as I re-integrated back to my normal job and family life. It was very hard calling her when I’d go out for lunch or when I was out for a run so my wife wouldn’t find out. After about a month I decided I needed to give my marriage another chance…time for her to lose weight and time for me to re-connect with her and my kids. I called AP to tell her….and it was horrible.

She was screaming and yelling and crying for about an hour which I expected. Then she said she had my wife’s email address and was going to tell her everything and send her a photo of the two of us. The she hung up the phone. I raced to my wife’s laptop to borrow it and quickly logged into her email. No sooner did I log in that emails from AP started coming in. I deleted them and blocked the email address and some keywords….all with my wife and kids sitting next to me. Gents, you don’t know the meaning of stress and panic until you’ve been in this situation. Then my Dubai cellphone started ringing….it was her. I turned the phone off and logged into our home phone account to block all incoming calls. I spent the next few hours waiting for everyone to go to bed terrified about the calls and emails that might come in. I was nearly throwing up with stress. If my marriage was going to end because of an affair it would end on my terms and not like this.

That night I told wife I had a stomach problem and would sleep in the guest room. I turned my phone back on and AP called me +50 times throughout the night. She also sent dozens of emails, but they we all blocked and sent to deleted folder. The next few days were horrible agony as I tried to figure out other ways AP might reveal everything. I’ve never felt to stressed and ill in my life. God it was bad. I got into wife’s facebook and other social media sights praying AP would not do a public Post to the world with us in a picture together. After 3 days of phone calls and emails, I contacted a lawyer and sent her a cease and desist letter threating legal action. Everything stopped, but to this day I don’t know who she has told or if she’ll wake up and say “fuck the legal action” and start contacting me again. It’s not an easy way to live, but it's no ones fault but my own.

But despite all of this, I miss her and love her to this moment. She completed me so much I still dream of her and how happy I was with her. My heart is broken not having her with me. I know that’s insane, but that’s where I am.

I have virtually no emotional, physical, romantic, or sexual feelings towards my wife. She is a roommate or like living with my Aunt Mabel. Her weight makes us even more distant if that were possible. The investment I made in AP totally emptied my commitment to my wife. 16 years of marriage feel like nothing to me….it was something that happened and I can easily forget about it. Were it not for the kids, it would be very easy to walk away. You cannot be invested in 2 women at the same time – one relationship will be hollow. I have been unable to divest from AP (even after what she did) and reinvest in my wife. Frankly, I’m not sure if I can considering the weight issues detailed in my previous post. It is an all-out effort to even go on a date night with my wife. Again, imagine taking your Aunt Mabel on a date and holding her hand….that’s how weird it feels.

In closing, two points. If you are headed to an emotional and sexual affair you better be ready to end the current marriage. You need to have this planned out. Second, if you are married and have an affair with an unmarried woman you are in an extremely precarious situation. You are not in control – she can blackmail and manipulate you if you do not want the affair revealed. Be careful.