One can have all the knowledge but its useless unless one puts the knowledge into action in some form. OYS did that for me, and here is a review after 6 months of holding myself accountable to strangers on the internet and myself:

The Background

34, 6’2, 190. Somewhere in the 13% bf range. Married a year and a half and no children. Reasonably attractive, reasonably athletic, and with a comfortable 6 figure income.

Career Nice Guy, son of a decade deceased strong woman mother and a passive, weak, martyrdom complex, yet honorable father. Depressed for the decade after mommy died; career went well but personal life was sitting at home jerking off and watching TV while dating intermittently. 2 year LTR prior to wife failed due to the same issues that would tank my marriage. Met the wife immediately after the LTR: an ambitious, extremely intelligent, beautiful girl from a broken home and fucked up childhood. The predictable self-esteem and emotional issues are present, and beneath the hard charging façade is a scared little girl.

Things were great the first two years then the bedroom starts dying prior to the wedding for reasons I couldn’t figure out at the time. Things continued to decline after the wedding—which went on due to momentum—and both of us settling for a cordial but not flourishing relationship. It was just good enough to not end it. The DB was a symptom. Like most of us, I found MRP via DB and don’t actually start doing the work via OYS after hitting rock bottom after this post. The replies were a swift kick to the nuts; I realized I needed to put in the work and quit lurking or else things wouldn’t improve.

The Assessment

Textbook Nice Guy coupled with depression. Emotionally needy. Zero leadership, constantly deferred to wife on decisions. Passive in action and communication. Covert contracts with regular victim puke. Zero frame and poor sense of self. Porn addiction and fear of intimacy along with ED and PE. Nagging low-level health problems I complained about constantly. No Mission. Few friends. Some outside interests but lazy. Extreme introvert.

The Reading

NMMNG x3, WISNIFG x2(text & audio), SLSM x2(made everything click), WSM, MAP x2, MMSLP x2, Pook, Rational Male, Models, Ironwood Alpha, Extreme Ownership, Gorilla Mindset, every week’s OYS, MRP & AMRP top posts and ongoing submissions.

The Priorities Starting May 2017 (In order of importance)

  • Mental health & reversing the depression
  • Physical health, inclusive of lifting, diet, and sleep
  • STFU
  • Building a life outside of home: hobbies, doing things I like, etc, inclusive of social life.
  • Building a sense of self (Frame, mission, OI, DGAF, etc)
  • Gaming the wife/sex/etc
  • Gaming women in general

I came to the conclusion that I was not attractive enough to be a better option for my wife’s time compared to her job and her work social life so I decided to become mostly internally focused and deemphasized the marriage. I embraced live like you’re single and dropped the thought of trying to compete for my wife’s attention, which at that point would just come across at neediness. Sex was not a priority, and given my lack of libido this was not difficult. This is counter to what a lot of folks here do and perhaps led to some other issues with the wife but I’m OK with how I approached things. Wouldn't recommend it, necessarily.

The Work

  • Stopped complaining about my problems to my wife No more victim pukes about my health, interpersonal or work problems, feeelings, any of it. STFU
  • Started posting to OYS and started logging RP truisms and notable posts in a series of google docs.
  • Sidebar. Plenty of business travel meant isolated, alone time on planes and hotel rooms with no excuse to not read.
  • Got a physical for the first time in 7 years. Testosterone was in the 630s therefore all of my problems were in my own head. Made a dermatology appointment for some skin issues. Got a trazadone rx for sleep, although improved this by other means.
  • Made an appointment with a therapist immediately, although therapy turned out to be useless after a handful of sessions and I got better perspective on fixing my problems from MRP/OYS than I did from sitting in a room talking. Introduced to DBT by a friend and found a bunch of free online resources to use as mental health support in lieu of shitty therapy.
  • Restarted some mix of 5x5/Starting Strength and additional upper body accessory work.
  • Continued training and became more engaged with my Masters swim team. This doubled as a fun social group of weirdos and nerds I fit into well. Quickly became "the hot guy" somehow.
  • Planned some solo trips hiking and doing outdoor shit. Became comfortable being alone and doing things alone.
  • OYS at home: started keeping the place clean regularly, organizing, throwing away useless shit, doing long awaited projects…all of it.
  • Started to be mindful and hyper aware of my behavior towards my wife, and my wife’s behavior towards me with regards to DEERing, shit & comfort tests, my emotional state, etc.
  • Tried to be busy in general and cut back dramatically on wasted time. Terminated Facebook usage altogether and the only indulgent social media I have is Instagram for memes and fitness chicks.
  • Actively worked on becoming more engaging with others in the office and embracing social situations as opposed to avoiding them.
  • Actively worked on making better eye contact and being quicker to smile and engage with strangers, especially pretty girls.
  • Came to realize I had an authentic personality—goofy, smartass, and a little cocky, but genuine and caring—and came to view it as an asset. Actively worked on removing mental blocks that held this back in most situations…especially with the wife.
  • Simplified my wardrobe: Slim fit everything complimenting my body type (swimmers build). A clean business casual of the same style dress shirt and pants in assorted colors with slim fit pants; a casual look of jeans that fit well and black t shirts. A simple continuum up and down the formality scale and largely interchangeable. Clean, simple, and well fitting.

The Result

  • I’m a hell of a lot happier. Not saying my depression is resolved but I have received comments from people who I’ve met in the past year who have noticed a visible change in my demeanor from consistently mopey to consistently happy and even I no longer feel the preverbal cloud hanging over my mood.
  • My emotional control is also much improved, mostly measured by my impulse to react to things and a secondary metric of me actually having an emotional outburst for any reason. Most of this manifests with my wife for whatever reason and I’m much better at this.
  • Related: DGAF is taking hold in a major way, mostly driven by asking myself the question “Does this even matter?” in any particular situation. Well no, most shit doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things therefore most things aren’t worth getting upset about.
  • Despite fits and starts due to travel or some nagging injury, lifting has borne fruit. Recent lifts include DL 375 x1, high bar Squat 225 3x3, Bench 205 x1. Bodyfat has dropped from 15%ish to 13%ish and I am in a position to make gainz the priority for the winter bulking season.
  • I have a small yet odd group of friends who like the same shit I do, although expanding my social life is an important goal going forward, as is expanding the stuff I've wanted to do but never followed through on.
  • Between demeanor, dress, and how I carry myself I’ve started to get IOIs from women, sometimes noticeable by others. Also from dudes, which is awkward but whatever. Not uncommon are the comments of “Dude she just eyefucked you” or “She thinks you’re hot”. For the first time in my life I’m realizing I am attractive and possibly have options (OI) although that hasn’t been fully internalized yet.
  • I’m starting to say no to things I don’t want to do, and I’m not feeling as guilty as I previously did at a decreasing rate of guilt over time.
  • I’m starting to build Frame, but prior to having frame (IMO) one must have a reasonably developed sense of self, identity, wants, and needs…which I didn’t. I’m slowly starting to define what those are and as they develop my worldview is starting to change, especially with regard to my marriage.

So, what now?

The stay plan is the go plan, or so I’ve read. I have good momentum on such things as mood & metal health, lifting, a small but budding social life, outside interests, and so forth but the next 6 months will be focused building the sense of self, frame, mission, and ultimately figuring out what to do with my marriage. Plenty of work to do and the farther I progress in this process the further I realize I need to go.

Truth is I married a girl who needed an immovable rock to support her particular brand of crazy, and instead I 1. Made her my rock and 2. Wore her down with my bullshit. Moreover, I look back on all the red flags, all the times I rationalized away something that wasn’t quite right, the nagging sense something was wrong prior to the wedding but didn’t quite know what it was until I found this place...in hindsight my preselection was weak and I wasn’t the prize either. Nor did I have the balls to call it off, obviously. I have some decisions to make and they may not be pleasant.

I’m reversing 34 years of poor emotional control and shitty social conditioning; I know it isn’t going to happen overnight but it is absolutely necessary if I’m going to have a good, fun, and fulfilling life.

My advice to the noobs out there: Kill your ego and accept your failures as a man. Realize only you and you alone can fix your problems; get solid self-awareness, identify your weaknesses, and get to work. Yea, it's hard, but trust me: it's worth it.