A couple years ago (I think) I read a post on TRP from a guy who said that when he goes into a restaurant with a date/gf/wife/whatever, he looks around the restaurant and picks out a table he wants, and if the hostess doesn't take him to that table, he would simply request the other table.

It made for a bit of an awkward situation for the hostess because chances were good that she took him to that table because it was in the designated area of a particular server/waiter/waitress who was up next on their little merry-go-round system, or some system based on the size of your party or whatever, but he swore that by doing this, by feeling comfortable with that awkwardness, by asserting his desires at the expense of others' and their expectations, he would make a subtle impression and conjure an energy that he carried with him throughout the night.

When I first read that I thought it was lame. Kind of a dick move. Why not just go with the flow? Why make a scene?

But I've come to learn that a huge part of being a leader, of communicating your worth, your value, your dominance, your alpha-ness to the world, is simply refusing to go with the flow. To be swept into other people's plans.

It's being perfectly comfortable with holding up a line. Or disrupting a system. Or stating an unpopular opinion. Or going to a different concert or party than your friends had planned to go to. Or doing something alone or with other friends/women if your date/gf/wife doesn't want to, etc.

It's stupid, but I do it now every time I go to a restaurant. In fact, I even take it right down to the chair at the table. If my wife forgets for a moment and picks a chair before I pick mine and she picked the wrong chair, I will simply ask her to switch. She doesn't want to make a scene, so she relents.

But I'm quite comfortable making a scene now--or rather, daring the other person to make a scene. And what's funny is, it's obvious that she likes it. She HATES confrontation herself. But she knows it's my comfort with it that ensures we enjoy certain things in life that we otherwise wouldn't if I had just gone with the flow. Whenever I do it she rolls her eyes and then responds with an increase in physical affection (holding my hands across the table, rubbing my leg with her foot, etc).

But here's the thing: when I first decided to do this, I looked around the restaurant and simply didn't see any tables that looked any better than any other tables. I had absolutely no preference where I sat. After 3 or 4 trips to a restaurant I started to grow antsy, because this was a small and simple way I wanted to start becoming more assertive and dominant but I couldn't take advantage of it because I really had no preference.

I actually had to put some mental effort into this. I started asking myself where in a restaurant an alpha would sit. As I did, for some reason I thought of those mob bosses in the movies. They always sat in the very back of the restaurant, facing the door with nobody behind them. This felt like a very strong position to me. It seemed to lack.... vulnerability.

So that stupid little thing became my guiding light. When I walked into a restaurant I would ask myself where a mob boss, with multiple enemies who probably want to kill him would sit, and that's where I would request. If it's not at the back, at the very least I sit in the chair with the most visibility of the restaurant, and preferably the entrance.

Seemingly stupid, simple little thing, but it honestly made a difference.

After this I realized there were LOTS of other ways I could assert myself and be a leader with my wife and in larger social situations (not at work, work is different), but hadn't, simply because I'd given no thought to what I actually preferred. I really think we're societally conditioned to simply fall into whatever frame, into whatever expectation, into whatever system we happen to encounter. To not rock the boat. To not cause a scene. To just go with the flow. To eat whatever shit's in front of you for fear of offending the chef (or the hostess).

Anyway, a lot is made about leading on here, and I totally agree. But if you're struggling to lead, as I once did, perhaps you simply haven't taken the time to really think about what you prefer and what you don't. And where you find a lack of a preference in something, to work on forming one.

At home and at play a leader doesn't just go with the flow (again, work is different). He makes his own plans and he carves his own path and he takes ownership of his own good time. He does this by taking note of his preferences and giving his preferences primacy among competing preferences. He remains calm and comfortable during the conflicts that inevitably ensue, which is frame.

He's sometimes thought of as a dick or an asshole because of this, but he is also looked up to as a leader. Those who are less comfortable leading fall into his frame and become relaxed and happy there because they are relieved of the burdens associated with planning/leading/problem solving/etc. Leaders are rare and people, especially women, crave what they offer.

There's another way this works too: when meeting women, how can you communicate your SMV if you don't come off as...picky? And how can you appear picky if you don't have any preferences when it comes to women? Or at least SAY you do? We all know there's magic in criticism. In disqualification. In telling a blonde you only like brunettes or vice versa. In telling single girls you prefer married girls or vice versa. In saying you only date girls with college degrees or in a STEM major, etc.

Losers will accept anything. They'll say yes to any plans. They'll sleep with any girl. They'll go along for any ride. They'll keep their opinions to themselves (if they have any). They'll avoid contention and controversy at all cost just so they'll be accepted.

Leaders do not. A leader is seasoned. He's seen the world and thus, knows which countries one should visit and which one should avoid. He knows which wines are worth your time and which are not. He knows his positions on politics and can back them up with confidence. He knows people. He knows women. He has so many friends and concubines he has to now be selective about who he lets into his circle. And women pick up on this. Such a man communicates in a way that's congruent with that reality--a reality of abundance, and that abundance has made him selective, and his speech reflects that selectivity.

Anyway, now I'm rambling, but the main point is simply: you need preferences. If you do not have them, start acquiring them and then hold them sacrosanct.