I’ve been thinking quite a bit about Outcome Independence in my MRP journey so far. As I’ve analyzed this concept and applied it to the situations I encounter, I’ve found that most of my beta ways come from trying to get validation from external sources.
WARNING: this is going to be a longer post so if you aren’t interested in reading those, skip over to something else. Regardless, this post is for me. If you like it, great. If you don’t, great.

 

Background
A very brief background about me and what brought me here: I’m a man in my lower 30s who came from a broken home (single mom who I now recognize as a shrew who drove a passive dad out of the home). I had limited positive male role models and didn’t understand what a healthy masculine man looked like. I naturally leaned towards more alpha characteristics due to success in sports. I married young to a smoking hot babe and we quickly started having kids. Her interest level in me gradually waned and I became more and more fat / beta with each year. I stumbled upon MRP from another sub and my mind has been fucking blown.

 

Validation from Others
I’ve come to recognize that a significant amount of the beta behavior in my life is due to seeking validation from external sources. I work extra hard so the boss will praise me. I cleanup around the house so my wife will be happy with me / have passionate sex with me. I coach my kids’ teams so that the other parents will see how good I am at sports / organization and praise me for it. On. And. On. If I were to list all of the “I do ABC so that person XYZ will validate me in some way” things I did, this post might set a new record for length.

 

What’s wrong with this? There is nothing inherently wrong with doing X to get Y. That’s the basis of cooperation and an organized society. However, when we base our own perception of ourselves on what others think of us, do for us, or say to us, we shift extraordinary amounts of power and control from ourselves to the other person. That is the absolute opposite of Outcome Independence. Let’s walk through some examples.

 

There have been times in the past where I would do something I knew my wife wanted me to do, like mop the floors. I would do that and then anxiously wait for her to get home. I would anticipate that she would see the freshly mopped floor, squeal in amazement, and then rush me into the bedroom with a dripping vagina. That… rarely worked. I have also gotten into huge fights at work when I’ve worked especially hard on a project, had it go very well, and gotten little to no recognition for it. I’ve been butthurt for days / weeks / months for not getting what I considered enough praise. Was I paid for it? Well, yes. But that wasn’t enough. I wanted / needed / craved the praise for it. I was like little Oliver Twist begging for just a bit more.

 

There are plenty of other examples but these will suffice for now. In each, I performed a certain action (mopping, extra work on a project) so that others would be obligated to do something in return (sex, praise) and I would then get validation (she wants me, they know I’m awesome at my job). When the chain is broken… when I do the work and don’t get the payout I want… I’m frustrated, hurt, and angry. “They” literally have the power to control my life because their responses determined my emotions. I engaged in covert contracts and effectively signed over my manhood to other people in exchange for validation.

 

Do you want to know the worst part? They aren’t “bad” or “wrong” if they don’t give me what I want. Maybe she didn’t think the floors were that big of a deal. Maybe she legitimately had a migraine or was about 10 seconds from throwing up. Maybe there was a perfectly valid reason why she didn’t throw herself at me exactly when I expected. My boss may have meant to congratulate me on my work but got distracted. He still paid me for that week. He may have come to expect that quality of work from me and thus didn’t feel it was necessary to call out one project in particular. Or maybe he just didn’t give a fuck. The point is that it doesn’t matter.

 

What really matters is that I was anxiously dancing for the hug. If I was good enough, tried enough, etc. then I would get what I wanted as a reward. I would be validated. As soon as I did that, I handed all of my ability to be a rationale, self-contained man to everyone else. I emasculated myself as surely as if I took a knife to my testicles.

 

Why do I do this? Because I wanted to be validated. Here’s the truth though that I’m coming to realize. Praise from others can be nice but you cannot use it to build your own self-worth. It’s like building a mansion on the sands of the beach. Eventually, you are going to have a bad time. Your self-worth must be built on you purposefully and thoughtfully setting and then reaching your own goals. You must build your self-image on earned self-respect. Everything else can be taken away. On that note, let’s look at another angle to this issue around validation.

 

Intentions, Actions, and Results
There are three broad categories of people in terms of what we expect from others. Those categories are loosely defined on whether we expect praise from others based on either intentions, actions, or results.

 

Lazy people expect validation from others due to their intentions. This is the fat fuck who announces he is going to start a workout plan and diet for New Years. He wants everyone to praise him for coming up with this ‘bold, challenging plan.’ /s The problem is that others don’t give a fuck about your intentions. Chances are good that he has announced these “intentions” to them many times over in the past. Betas in a marriage reach this point with their wives soon enough. She gets tired of his string of repeated promises. That shit gets old.

 

Immature people expect validation from others due to their actions. This is the fat fuck who is married to a hot wife and expects her to drip with anticipation when he comes home from the gym the first time, still a half-a-human too heavy. Great job, you went to the gym. Fat people go to the gym all the time. Want a cookie? You want to be validated on the one thing you did right, thus ignoring the 50,000 times you overate and didn’t work out over the past decade? The math doesn’t check out. Children are also like this. “I played a season of sports so I should get a championship medal.” Well, sorry Johnny but your team sucked ass and came in last. No medal for you. Life doesn’t care if you just tried. The lion doesn’t stop eating the gazelle because the gazelle tried to run away. This universe is a cold, hard place and trying isn’t enough.

 

Mature people receive (but don’t expect or require) recognition from others for their results. Tom Brady gets paid millions and fucks Giselle because he wins Super Bowls. Bill Gates is one of the richest men on earth because Microsoft is on nearly every computer on earth. Men like this are praised and given what they want because they won. Period. Intentions are nice, effort can be admirable, but success is irreplaceable. The icing on the cake is that these guys don’t even look to others for validation. Tom Brady has more haters than he can count (me included) and he doesn’t give a fuck. He just goes out and wins, drives his Lambo home, and bangs Gizelle.

 

Bring This Back to MRP
What does that mean for MRP? Don’t expect shit to change until your results are different. If you are a fat fuck, going to the gym for two weeks won’t guarantee your wife will salivate when you walk in the room. If you have been a lazy fuck at work for four years, don’t expect to get a giant bonus for working hard for three weeks. This shit takes time, as in months and years. The people in your life (who you have let down by being a beta bitch for years) probably aren’t going to care about your intentions or actions at this point. They will only see results. If that is too much for you, go back to video games and porn. However, if you are willing to put in the time, effort, and focus, then you will position yourself to have the results LATER. When that happens, other people will praise you. And it will be nice… but it won’t matter nearly as much. You will control your own self-worth.