TL;DR: Wife traded down after years of unsuccessful motivation to match my awesomeness. Ideas?

I recently caught my stay at home wife of 10 years having an online affair with a dude half way across the country. She was emotionally invested entertaining thoughts of “love” at points, chatting pretty much all day long, sending sexual pics and videos while I was at work and in bed. At one point, we were a 2 hour drive from this guy and they had thought of meeting and had made future plans to meet. /u/BluepillProfessor asked for a field report on discussion surrounding my wife trading down.

I’ve done a ton of research on this guy – if you have never been through this before, certain personalities need different information about the affair to properly process it all. Unfortunately, I’m one of the types that needs information, everything. The things I’ve found out:

  1. He’s been to prison for domestic violence causing serious injury and on a most wanted list.
  2. He’s addicted to porn (wakes up in the middle of the night to jack off).
  3. He doesn’t have car insurance.
  4. He’s an anti-vaxxer.
  5. He’s 5’5, fat with moobs, thuggy, and an interesting race (not black).
  6. He’s poor as fuck and lives in basically a shack with zebra print sheets.
  7. He’s insecure about his dick (below average).
  8. He’s probably an alcoholic as he often passes out drunk.
  9. He “needed” my wife.

I was able to find out a lot about this guy’s personality because of the emotional nature of the affair. They would confide in each other and receive validation from each other. He is 100% a loser and my wife was too. My wife:

  1. Exhibits BPD behavior but is “depressed”.
  2. Had a shitty childhood with big time Daddy issues.
  3. Addicted to validation.
  4. Terrible self-esteem and 100% negative self-talk.
  5. Lazy as fuck.

My wife and I had been extremely fat and gross since we met. Now I am a fit, athletic god among men with bicep peaks and a 6 pack through my extra skin and she is still obese. Four years into our ten year marriage I found Athol Kay and changed my life gradually. It took me 5 or so years to become who I am today physically and put tons of effort into revamping my entire life from top to bottom.

The journey was mostly great with multiple main event style fights. We enjoyed periods of true happiness, crazy sex, another child, and great enjoyment. She has always lagged behind in self-improvement and had not followed my lead as much and fell back into bad habits every step of the way. Athol says that she will follow your example and that had been mostly true for the most part but she never put it all together to make that final push into respectability.

The real differences started showing up when I made my last push to sub 15% body fat. The differences were too big to ignore for her and she started getting very nervous. She told me that she was scared that every time I spoke to her was going to be the time where I blurted out “I want a divorce”. The various ways I led her:

  1. By example. My diet and dedication to lifting, running, and athletics are unsurpassed.
  2. I have maintained memberships for her at two different gyms with childcare.
  3. I have personally accompanied her to said gyms and trained her in the basics of lifting.
  4. I adjusted my diet to follow her fad diet ideas to foster shared struggle (whole 30).
  5. I forced the family to eat chicken and broccoli every day for 3 months (even I got sick of it).
  6. Imposed my healthy diet for family dinners.
  7. Tried punishments for diet fuck ups, laziness and missed workouts.
  8. Tried checking in on her progress constantly.
  9. Fostered dread at every chance. Basically I can’t get away from beautiful women approaching me and never passed up the opportunity to do it in front of her.
  10. Communicated to her at times that this wasn’t working for me and that it was imperative for her to do better.
  11. Promised her a boob job and lift when she reached her goals.
  12. Would directly confront her laziness about housework, personal issues, laziness etc.

Eventually after years of trying – she got tired of trying to fix her shit and hamster-ed that my family would be better off without her. I also got tired of trying and resigned myself to the fact that I would be married to a subpar woman. I made this realization gradually but did make the decision to stay in the marriage.

She wanted the person she was with to love her for who she was and think the other put the stars in the sky, as she said. The sex, of course, never stopped at any point.

Things I have learned:

  1. Therapy - Therapy - Therapy
  2. Be better at making sure she is taking her medication - count pills.
  3. Don't start fucking off comfort tests if you want to stay married.

Clearly – I’m not perfect – I’m sure I made my mistakes, but I’m interested in hearing ideas on how a guy can foster matching discipline and personal growth in your wife during and after a RP transformation.