EDITED and UPDATED:

I obviously posted this under a different user name in the recent past, so I’m taking credit for my own work, or plagiarizing myself, however one wants to look at it.

As current and future family men, I believe it is important to understand that one’s “masculine journey” isn’t only about slaying pussy and getting deference from those around you. There will be death. There will be sorrow. I hope that this post; along with a very useful recent post regarding a daughter in crisis by u/Persaeus serve the community by relating RP to family dynamics. Shit will happen and you will be pressed to handle it.

TL/DR: Learn to enjoy reading you lazy bastard; deaths result in increased opportunities to lead and comfort your family and also spawn fun, new shit tests.

The Death of your SO’s Father – Difficulty and Opportunity

Father/daughter relationships have been the subject of enough speculation, theory, dirty jokes and study to generate nearly ubiquitous thoughts as to what may occur if the dynamic is less than optimal. There are girls raised without fathers who often have relationship issues related to this vacuum (holes will be filled). Still others who are the apple of their father’s eye, who have different difficulties because of the “expected” treatment they believe they “deserve.”

Somewhere on the absent-omnipresent spectrum of influence a father has on her life, sits your SO.

Unless you have an arranged relationship, or have not dated or plated enough to experience this dynamic, you already know this key relationship has tangible consequences to your sexual strategy and daily life, especially if you live with this woman. In some instances, you may take on the masculine role left vacant when her father skipped town when she was eleven, or you may be expected to assume the provider role and source of resources that “Daaaaddy” has always been. Both of these can be seen as red flags, and I’m not here to tell you how to vet potential mates.

A woman can expect a certain level (0 – Too Much) of masculine support from her father in her day-to-day life based on their relationship prior to you entering the scene. If their relationship is healthy, it’s a masculine safety net. This often remains true, until the net is gone.

Knowing MRP skews older, I also know that many of you have been attending more funerals than weddings lately. For me, this means attending my wife’s grandmother’s and father’s funerals six days apart. However unexpected, the loss of my FIL has had a galvanizing effect on my masculine journey, and my views about this community.

When I stumbled into this dojo in November 2015, I anticipated that lurking and snarking my way through posts would provide the needed feedback to learn enough to “make” my wife of 17 years desire me again. I had experienced getting very sick and injured, gaining weight, relocating from urban back to rural, and becoming a father of two within a relatively short period of time. I faced these challenges completely within a victim’s frame like a domesticated BP bitch (life is happening to me, and it’s haaaard). Until that time, I’d been fortunate that for the most part, I could coast through milestones on pure natural talent and never really face any hardships. Iron sharpens iron, and I was presented with butter for a long time. I remained resentful and angry about what I viewed as “bad luck” when experiencing personal adversity and I was browsing for answers for a “quick fix.”

About a little over two months into power lurking and tossing about the terminology like a MeRPbot, CAD called me out on my quality of contribution and subreddit commitment in his signature fashion, and I realized that I was a half-assing faggot, shitting up an important manly space. I let a few folks know of my intention to work on some family matters (me), and set out to comfortably assimilate and implement the SIDEBAR + other readings relevant to TRP and MRP. I planned early August 2016 as a realistic return and contribute date. Life had other ideas.

My FIL was a strong and positive influence on my wife throughout her life. He gave her enough self-reliance to make her way in the sciences, but always encouraged her to embrace her femininity. She’s given me two gifted and attractive kids, many hours of fun, and until I became less physically attractive and more unattractive as a leader, she was my biggest fan. Omitting a ton about why I sought out MRP (OYS will be coming at some point) I found myself in the RP tool shed comparing bicycles to fish when my learning and implementing curve were moved way up.

While at the funeral luncheon for my wife’s grandmother, my FIL passed on while driving to attend. Dead from a stroke behind the wheel and alone, the still-moving car careened into a ditch, caught fire, and resulted in an autopsy and closed casket service. Wife and MIL have only mundane domestic memories to inform them of their last moments with their beloved father/husband. No bedside goodbye, no final demonstrations of affection, just simply gone.

Then the eyes of the women in my life immediately shifted to me. I realized that at that very moment, my ego needed to die in the same fire that consumed my FIL, because the tests (shit and/or comfort) would be coming fast and hard. A couple illustrative examples follow:

Your SO Will Need Comfort in Physical and Logistical Matters:

Those of you requiring additional RAM dedicated to your empathy chip will need to hear this right up front: NO ACTIVE DREAD WHILE SHE IS GRIEVING. Although this may seem like common sense, withdrawing attention and affection or playing catch-and-release with soccer moms in an attempt to get action during this time is simply stupid. Penthouse Forum bullshit about grieving women presenting a unique opportunity for serious fucking is also shitty advice.

When giving comfort during the grieving process, be the least retarded person in the room. Well-meaning friends and family can deliver platitudes that hurt ("He lived to be a ripe old age" or "He wouldn't have wanted you to feel sad").

Some will avoid your SO altogether because they don't know what to say. Those who don't behave like ostriches might avoid talking about the dead the same way they dodge potholes on the highway. Talking about yourself or your needs to avoid silence is also counter-productive (STFU).

I have assumed the position of listener, which, as you can see by the length of this post, is difficult for me. With that being said, I still employ some A&A and light teasing where appropriate to try and provide some levity. For example:

Wife: “My mom won’t let me be by myself to cry.”

RZD: “If I start making out with you while she’s here, will that help her get the hint?”

Wife: “You might need to get to second base. She can be clueless.”

Listen and be attractive and available. I’m also fortunate that my wife gives as good as she gets.

Besides listening, you may also need to be her scheduler, go between, and short-term memory. The grieving process messes with one's ability to prioritize and keep to tasks. I know that my wife often (to her detriment somewhat) has many activities closely planned and organized for her job, and our kids. She still tries to keep our kid's lives as normal as possible, but it puts pressure on her that she just can't handle well right now:

Wife: “Daughter has dance at 6:30, son has robotics club at school for 7:00, and I won't be back from the insurance agent regarding mom's annuities before then.”

RZD: “I've got it handled. They've also been fed dinner, and I found a battery for the robot.”

Wife: “Oh shit, I forgot to eat and didn't even think to make dinner.”

RZD: “I know. Your ass is looking nice.”

Wife: “Yes, my fat is eating my body.”

RZD: “Your fat is eating your body? How does that work?”

After this exchange, she hugs me hard, and comments about how she knows she can trust me to take up her slack. Minor shit test about females (and her) normally being excellent multi-taskers somehow ensues, but is diffused with “Right. The special body-eating fat you possess gives you that power.”

Along with everything you already do, prepare to do more with style and less sleep.

Do NOT Take Offense to Comparisons:

This conversation starter will inevitably occur:

Wife: “You're not as __ as my father was. You should ____ more.”

Fill in the trait, alpha or beta, at this point it's irrelevant. When she's feeling her worst, you will be compared to the best memories she has stored away of her departed father. If he was soft-spoken, and you raise your voice even slightly to the kids during a hectic morning before school, you're “not as kind as her father was, and you should empathize with the children more.” The theme of “he always” “you never” also becomes a new and unwelcome topic of conversation. I would term these encounters pitting your sorry ass against the idealized paternal spectre “Shitty Comparison Tests.”

Like all shit tests, Comparison Type Pater Familias needs to be shot down, and you need to maintain frame. Oddly enough, because I think the Wife is in the early stages of dealing with her grief, and is not at the top of her game, the least aggressive means to defeat these Shitty Comparison Tests have been very effective:

Wife: “My dad always complemented me. You never say I'm pretty.”

RZD: “Could you give me the meeting time with son's teacher this evening?” (Misdirect)

Wife: “It's at 7:00.”

RZD: “I'm on it.” (End of conversation)

Directing many of these horrible sounding openers back to my positive actions to lead where she has lost a step has been effective to end potentially awful conversations. Don't be baited.

This situation is still developing, so as my wife's mourning runs its course I will post updating my progress and leadership ability in the face of a less docile version of my now suffering wife. It will be interesting see if her ceding control of many logistical and parental tasks remains the norm, or if she attempts a power grab in the future.

What is certain is that I need to keep the foot on the gas, becoming more attractive physically, and remaining less unattractive as a human being. It helps the current situation, and of course allows for abundance mentality in the face of the unexpected relationship shift. I'll gladly sacrifice a little sleep and take on more responsibility, if it means having the respect of my kids, and my wife's fat keeps eating her body.