So I'm revisiting an old idea, better fleshed out than last time.

Fighting for her love vs I'm a good earner and father

OK Big boy, you want the reigns? Here you go, don't fuck it up.

This is for the spectators in life, though they wouldn't admit to being as such. Turning yourself from the kind of person who doesn't do that thing (you all have that thing you want/should do) because of reasons. Very well thought out reasons, full of logical conclusions, and very reasonable to anyone hearing them. Except one thing:

They are wrong.

You see it often in MRP, TRP, or any sort of interpersonal relationship in the wild. You see it with guys who do their MAP isolated from feedback. You see it with guys who go monk mode, hide in their basement, only leaving to go to the gym. They hamster glaring failures as successes, picking around the edges, not actually fixing underlying issues, or the fundamentals. You see it here, in posts that say variations of :

  • I've been unplugged for a year now (usually followed by missing a very basic RP concept)
  • I've lurked for over X months (as in didn't read the sidebar)

You have to know what you actually want. Not the bullshit you tell others you want

I constantly refer back to him as an honest example; /u/ultmatecad . He knows what he wants, and the reason he gets the flack he does is because of people applying their flawed ideas onto him. That's really the core of it. All the moralizing he gets, the chastising for being a big meanie head, all that shit.

Irrelevant.

He has a vision of what he wants, and all his actions are specifically geared towards it. One would do well to acknowledge that truth to themselves. Being selfish in this regard is one of the most generous things you can do to yourself, and those around you. Asking him of his life before and after, you see how a standard life script screwed up him and his family. Everyone benefits with a strong man to orbit. the trick is:

  • Understand your true motivations, the lizard brain always trump the frontal lobe
  • Observe, instead of assume, a concept called 'cold blooded listening' from Vinkatesh Rao

Mental Models, assumptions, the deep story

A mental model is just that, a model of the world constructed in your head to provide structure to your decisions. RP theory specifically, and the manosphere in general, is largely a mental model, as is feminism.

  • It's how deciding to 'be a better beta' can be both seen as a building resentment in your wife, or as a way of wining her heart (hint: it isn't)
  • It's how 'respecting her too much to fuck' can be both seen as a BP enlightened attitude, or a thirsty sexless beta

A deep story is the narrative you tell yourself or the underlying mental model. The way to see this is to steal a technique from SixSigma, the 5 whys' I've found it very difficult to use on Reddit. People who are only recently unplugged, or the aforementioned deluded rarely have the patience to get through any more than 3 without shutting down. So this examples from a typical deadbedroom guy should be taken as illustrative, and not descriptive:

  • I haven't had sex in 15 years with my wife, and it's killing me. I want sex.
  • So get a hooker, it's the shortest path to your goal
  • I don't want a hooker, I want her
  • Why her? You could hooker for expediency, or game other women if it's just the thrill of the hunt
  • Because it's what she's supposed to do in a marriage
  • So what are the two of you supposed to do in a marriage?
  • I provide, she desires, basically
  • So you want to be desired? Women desire what other women have, are you doing that?
  • If I do that, she will divorce me and take my kids/money
  • You can make more money though, can't you?
  • Yes, but if she gets custody, she will fuck them up when they get older. Also, I would have to move to Chicago if I want the promotion to afford post-divorce

You see the deep story emerging, resource protection, preference of consistency over career ambitions, scarcity mentality etc. His flawed mental model was that he wanted to fuck his wife. The accurate one was that as a man, he wants to be desired. It allows for true change, and not AFC picking around the edges.

Take your own narrative down the rabbit hole until you start getting in banality.

Knowing what you really want, and now what you think you want is key here. You can't see what you really want until you get to the real reasoning, and not your assumption, or worse yet, societies assumptions about what you should want. During the greatest generation and before, this was largely irrelevant. What society wanted, and what would work for you were largely in-line. Today, one of the big crisis of manhood, is that you have choice overload. Most guys don't take the time to discover what a modern man can want and work towards.

An analogy, and an exercise to illustrate the point.

Draw a person, take it from a photograph. Compare your doodle to the photo. Pretty piss poor, right? Technical skill aside, do you know why? You aren't drawing what you see. you're drawing what you know people look like. You have an inaccurate mental model in your head.

Turn it on it's head, expose what couldn't be seen before.

Now, turn the photo upside down, now what you see. Again, technical skill aside, it looks a hell of a lot more accurate than your first time. Do you know why?

It's because you aren't drawing what you know. your brain doesn't process upside down people, so it processes lines, spacing. You're drawing from observations, not knowledge. There is no jawline, there is a line, approximately 30 degrees from parallel for 3 inches, that you can draw, and that you can objectively see if it's true.

If you haven't caught on by now, does this sound familiar?

Shed the inaccurate mental model you've built, turn it on it's head, kill it with fire. Actually observe. It involves a lot of ego destruction. You can't be the guy who comes in here and shits on people who disagree with you. If your life isn't moving towards the ideal, even though you are making good, rational decisions, then there is a problem with your mental model. You should be familiar with this in a different context, don't listen to what she says, watch what she does. After all the interactions, are you getting laid more? Are you not being taken for granted? Are you moving closer to what you actually want? A picture frame is not a victory, it's a manipulation.

The golden calf of success, and it's time to smash some tablets and start kicking some desert hedonist ass

Bringing it back. Flip it on it's head.

She says she loves you, and doesn't do anything that you consider symbols to love (sex, appreciation, respect). All the things you have done (put a ring on it, choreplay, sympathy etc) haven't created any of the above. I'm sure you've read up on how men love vs how women love. She doesn't love you like you want, and you aren't doing the things that garner such a response. All of a sudden, all those questions start to sound silly:

  • Am I being too mean?
  • Should I rub her back?
  • Should I be worried if she has GNO every weekend?

The simple ways to gauge

Did you get any of your metrics of success:

  • Yes? Then keep doing them,

  • No? Stop doing them.

If this is outside your comfort zone, good. That is your bodies way of saying changes are happening. Embrace it. Your current comfort is what got you to where you are, you need to let it die.