Since I had my eyes opened on Friday last week, I have had several mixed emotions, or rather, thoughts.

I was complete radio silent yesterday except for logistics and so forth. Came home last night and everything was good and happy. We fed the kids and the dog, ate dinner and afterwards I put the kids to bed. My plan was to shower the gym sweat of right after, but I had some hornyness distract me on my way to the shower.

So I made a bee line to the kitchen for a quick make out session. Wife was in a good mood and it seemed that things might escalate. I have to say here that I would have been fine if I got turned down.

So we make out a bit and then she just stops, giving some or other shitty reason. I was fine with it, kinda expected it, and got up to go shower. That is when the it went south. As I got up I just couldn't help but bite a little. My words were again that I am gonna buy her a bunsen burner from the sex shop.... cause that is the only way we are gonna heat her frigid pussy up. I chuckled and left.

The devil himself appeared behind me wearing my wife's work clothes. Blah blah blah. And instead of laughing or AM i engaged. Telling her that I am sick of getting rejected, I put on clean clothes and left. Driving around the same as I did on Friday night.

I know what I did wrong here, and I also know that her rejection is directly because she sees me as a low value male. But as I was driving I had several thoughts run in my head. This is where I need advice.

  • I have been through enough relationships to know when I am coming to the place where I feel it needs to end. I was entertaining the thought of contacting a lawyer today, even if it just to start getting my ducks in a row. But in the same time I have conflicting feelings of love and oneitus. It is strange to feel like you love someone and want to tell them to fuck off in the same instance.

  • Even though I know that I should just not do it, and it is possibly my male analytical brain taking over, I was rehearsing "THE TALK" in my head. Thanks fuck she slept when I got home. I know this will accomplish nothing except make me look even more beta, but the urge to tell her everything she does wrong is big inside me.

  • And, the most important thing I realized is I need to get started on building the extra garage, workshop space that I have been planning since we moved last year. Somewhere I can go and be productive, or even just chill the fuck out. If I continue driving around like this I am either gonna get hi-jacked or bankrupt. Or end up at a place where woman and booze is cheap and make the wrong decision.

When I got home there was a recent photo of us on the loo seat with an "I'm sorry" letter written on the back. I don't know what to make of this because first of all she says sorry when she let me understand earlier that she is not at fault. Second, she only says I am sorry, but not for anything specific. I really want to engage her and find out for is she sorry, but then again I also don't want to talk to her at all about this. At least not until I get better at AM and AA and fogging and STFU.

There is still a lot to implement in terms of leading my family and my wife, and I fear that I to impulsive and eager to sort it out and that I might nuke it.

My apologies for the wall of text, there is a lot floating around in my head at the moment.