I haven't seen much discussion on here about making starfish sex into porn star sex, but I have some thoughts that might make it more fun for both of you than simply walking away or expressing dissatisfaction or "this isn't working for me".

Instead of walking away and zipping up, can you get your wife to "pose" for you? Try issuing commands to her like "stand up" or "kiss my mouth" or "put your fingers on your clit" or "pull your hair back" or "put on this sweater". Then do something unusual like kiss her knees or her back or something.

I think the starfish may not always be about "lack of desire" on her part, but may be because she doesn't feel desired enough or sexy enough to "put on a good show."

By telling her to do something, even if it's technically "less sexual" than actually having sex, you are showing dominance and getting her into your frame, and breaking the pattern of boring married duty sex.

After she's complied with whatever the request was, you can go start up again, or kiss her and leave the room, or do something else, but the very act of getting her to do anything at all turns starfish sex into something else. And whatever it turns into is probably better than starfish sex.

By having sex at all, she's at least meeting you halfway. If you're already doing what you can to make yourself more attractive, take control of the situation and make it more interesting, or at least different, and then whatever it is, at least it's not starfish sex.

And if she outright refuses to do whatever it was that you asked, when you walk away indifferently, you're no longer walking away from having sex with her, but you're walking away from her because she wasn't willing or able to do whatever it was that you wanted. I think this helps get the hamster on your side because instead of reinforcing her concern that she's not a sexy person at all or that she's no good at sex, now she knows you did want to have sex with her but she screwed it up by being so boring that she can't even do the simple non-sexual thing you asked her to do like put her hair up.

Once you get her in the habit of obeying simple requests during sex, like "put your hand on my shoulder" you are in a better position to get her to agree to more aggressive demands later like different positions or oral sex, etc.

It's kind of weird if she's willing to let you fuck her but not willing to hold hands or give you a kiss on the cheek, or something, anything.