My specific question is should I let the hamster discover the driving force behind the dread or is it better to be clear?

I feel like dread needs to be vague to be effective. What follows is the situation I found myself in and I would appreciate some advice on what I should be concentrating my efforts on in order to keep progressing.

Things were going well. I'm having a good time, wife and I are spending more time together, enjoying each others company. Sex is 3-5x week. Some days I'm not real into it. Some days it's a sweaty mess and it's awesome. So far so good.

I'm spending more time with the family, being home more, working less.

I had a series of Dr. appointments and over the course of this last week I went from "something is bothering me" to surgery scheduled next week. It's nothing real serious, but it's gotta happen and I'm gonna go under (been there twice before, I don't like it). After the second appointment, a CT scan, sex stopped. Two hard no's and the third night I opted out because I could see the starfish coming a mile away, something that seems like it's from another lifetime. Is this how fast you go from a strong to a weak perception? From wet and waiting to dry and prying? Could it really turn this fast?

I decided after my opt out I was not happy with the status quo, the lack of progression in the bedroom (BJ's are still an infrequent begrudging sticking point) and definitely not with the backtracking of sex frequency. Next day I texted some buddies and made a beer appointment for 8pm. Time for standard dread, not something beyond routine.

Our family is busy, my wife is a champ when it comes to taking care of the children. As they get older, there is a lot more to do with after school activities ad naseum. I stayed a little later at work, got home to an empty house as expected and stayed just long enough to grab the gym bag and go hit the weights (dropped the wedding ring on my nightstand for the night).

When I got back at 7 dinner is about to hit the table so I shower, eat and then announce as I'm headed for the door I'm going out and will be back later. This went much worse than what I had in my head. I'm trying to project that it's no big deal, and it really is after all, but she is taken aback and getting pissed. Following me to the car and demanding information. I gave minimal detail, but the more I am here and listening and trying to deny what I am doing is wrong, I know I am fucking it up. Nothing AM or AA or anything is coming to me so I STFU and just leave.

When I get back, she's awake in bed but I just get prepped for sleepy time and hit the sack. No interactions, no words.

She confronts me this morning about what I did was hurtful, blah blah. She's obviously spent time constructing her argument and it's hard to deny I would put up with it if she were to do the same thing; leaving the house without giving any info. I don't really have anything other than "you're right, that would not fly if you did that". My only counter is you're making more out of it than you need to. Again, I know the more time this drags on the more I am being dragged into her frame. Normally I am very quick with AM and AA, but today I'm stuck. (Thank you mild hangover brain fog)

She actually asked me "what are you trying to lead me to?" This is where I froze... I wanted to tell her I'm doing it to communicate to you that sex=attention from me. I couldn't do it. I thought it was something that should be discovered by her, not explicitly put out there like a butthurt whiny bitch groveling for sex. I'm not thinking fast enough, so I go STFU again. I'm ignoring at this point and she decides to move on to whatever thing is on her schedule next after she runs out of words.

I see her go for the shark week supplies (I thought it started a day or so ago and might be the lack of sex/BJ root cause, wasn't sure since the Dr stuff, tho) and it's my opportunity to point out tonight must be blowjob night. Instant change of momentum. All of a sudden it's time for her to STFU and leave, but I follow her to the door.

"You want to know where this is leading? It's about the blowjobs, and you will definitely be seeing less of me unless it happens."

"Why didn't you tell me that when I was asking? I was begging you to tell me."

"Because I've already told you so many times. The words aren't making any difference. All I can do is show you. And it is about the blowjobs. You WILL be seeing less of me if it doesn't happen. "

She leaves. Did I just nuke this? It escalated much faster than I anticipated, apparently I had more anger bottled up than I thought because once I started telling her, I could feel the emotions starting to push the supports out on my frame and it was all I could do to keep the volume contained at a level between "loud cell phone talker" and "this shit is real". I only wanted a course correction and to get back on track and keep progressing, not derail the fucking train.

The really confusing thing for me is even without seeking sympathy or displaying Beta traits, once there was a hint of this medical issue the sex turned off. Or did it? It might be shark week and her reluctance to go for the BJ's. With the timing of everything, it's hard for me to tell. Either way, I wasn't about to let the progress I've made get washed away so quickly and easily.

I put the question out there about dread, and if it gets answered I will know better how to respond in the future. What I could really use right now is any insight or advice that I might use for what's coming next.

What did I fuck up?