Hindsight is 20/20, but part of being a man means apologizing for mistakes (owning one's shit) and making the best effort possible to avoid those mistakes in the future.

Preface

I had a mountain bike ride planned this weekend with my aunt and her friend. I've mentioned the friend here. The friend is pretty, has nice body (my wife's is nicer though) is active, and already shares the same interests as me. She's younger (25) and has no kids. Her lack of being tied down makes her adventurous risk-taking activity lifestyle (biking, hiking, travelling, etc.) available to her. This combined with her personality and sense of humor makes for a very attractive woman.

In a non-married situation I'd pursue. However, I only communicate and hang out with her in the context of time with my aunt; she's my aunt's friend and not mine. I've even mentioned this to her after a conversation my aunt and I had: women make shit friends for guys and guys make shit friends for women. Women understand women and men understand men. If a man claims to be friends with a woman, he wants sex from her. If a woman claims to be friends with a man, she wants everything but sex. These are RP truths we hold to be self-evident. She agreed. I compounded this by adding, if "G" (my aunt) wasn't here, I wouldn't be on a bike ride with you. It's no offense to you, but it would be inappropriate and would send the wrong message to everyone.

This is my stance. My wife of course sees it as something else. She is a woman and prone to feelz^^TM and not reality... regardless of what I say or do. From my wife: She's your perfect type: pretty, young, thinner than me (she is, but her body lack definition and my ideal proportions; a 7 at best on a great day) and she does all the things you like doing.

However... "H" ("G's" friend) isn't really the issue with me but is with her... it is the impetus behind what set this off, but that fault still lies with me. Ultimately, the transgressions that follows were all of my own doing, much to my dismay and shame.

Mistake 1: Not standing firm

The plan was originally for a hike (my idea.) When I floated the idea is was accepted by G and H and I invited my wife along. The plan changed to a bike ride per G and I accepted because a change int he workout and the scenery would be nice. I said I'd come up with a plan and I told my wife of the change from hike to bike.

I came up with a simple up and down route that wasn't too advanced (as far as I could tell.) G stated this was something sh had done and floated the idea of a new route. I said, "fine. make a route, give me directions and let me know by Friday."

H chimed in and recommended a route north of our original location. It seemed more interesting so I accepted. Directions were secured. I told my wife of the change, and like a good wife, she followed. She borrowed a bike from her friend. It wasn't a very good bike, but for a route chosen by H or G, it would be fine (those two aren't technical riders and neither am I.)

I should have stood firm on my original plan and not shifted. I attempted to make a group choice through democratic means and the outcome was disastrous. If no decision could be made the correct decision was to abandon the idea altogether in lieu of a second-guessed decision.

Mistake 2: Listening to my wife instead of myself

Upon arriving to the trail head, my wife made one attempt to ascend the initial switchback entrance, her chain popped off, she panicked and said, "this is too advanced for me, I'm going to go this way." She motioned towards the fire road we approached the TH on. I knew this fire road intersected the first junction on the trail and they crisscross the whole area. We had cell coverage and could communicate with each other. I said, "Are you sure?" no answer, and then, "okay." I took her going up the fire road as her decision. I knew she'd be safe on this road and she is savvy and competent enough to not risk what she feels unsafe (she did avoid the initial entrance, after all.)

I should not have let her go. It's as simple as that. Abandonment is the opposite of security and while she left the group, she did so out of fear for her own safety and I recognized that and rationalized it away.

Mistake 3: Not checking on her

About halfway through the trail, I texted her finally and asked, "Are you okay? Are you safe?"

"I'm getting an Uber"

"Home?"

"To "

"Okay. Be safe."

A minute later: "Thanks Asshole." "I hope she knows that if you do it to me you'll do it to her too."

I stopped responding and said nothing more to her.

I should have abandoned the ride at that point and told her to wait and that I would be down as fast as possible. I abandoned her twice

My Stance:

It doesn't really matter what my stance is. Anything I come up with is a rationalization on my part that, while true, doesn't excuse my shitty behavior.

My job as a man, husband, and Captain

My job as a man, husband, and Captain is to be the masculine force counterpoint to her feminine, a provider for her and the family, and to provide safety and security for her and the family.

I did not provide the latter part: safety and security.

I took it on faith, for lack of a better word, that she would be safe in an unknown area on a substandard bike. I let her leave without supervision or protection (from me) and attempted to blame her for the decisions she made in an unknown situation and area. Her safety was my responsibility and relinquished it to someone unsuited to provide for it (her.)

I should have followed her, at the least, to ensure her safety and probably should have ditched the ride altogether in favor of a different ride elsewhere. At the very most we should have just gone back home.

This is really the crux of the whole issue. Everything else that follows is simply fruit from this poison tree.

Because I abandoned her and went on the ride with G and H, I basically demonstrated that those two were more important than my wife. It doesn't matter what I say or think about what I did... the fact is that my demonstrable actions speak the truth about the situation, and thinking or saying something else is just me lying to myself and working incongruent to my thoughts: both must me unified.

I should think and speak in conjunction with my actions. Doing otherwise is detrimental to my self and my reputation; it is the mark of an unworthy man.

The Aftermath:

We are on thin ice with each other. Tensions are high and she is very sensitive. Honestly I don't blame her; I made shitty decisions and attempted to blame her for some of the problems. I shifted my social duty to her and attempted to remove agency and responsibility for my actions.

My abandonment of her to ride with G and H led to some ultra-comfort seeking because she views this as me abandoning her for another woman (H... hence the preface above.) I maintain that this is not the case, but once again, my actions speak to the opposite of my words.

To compound this, her father had a small stroke that same day, though after this whole debacle occurred; that incident had no bearing on the initial problem, but came to light later... at which point she got the Uber, I'm guessing. I didn't find out until I got home. While it is independent to this issue, it's making for a requirement of extra comfort on my part... some of which is being met with hostility.

Her father is fine, but under medical surveillance.

I was not an oak on that day. I was a sapling that was not well rooted. I am ashamed of myself for my actions my incongruent words and my poor handling of my duties as Captain and husband.