I thought this sub could use a good success story. I could probably write a ton about my experiences but I thought I'd put down some key things I think are important. I won't get into specifics in my post because that would just be repeated info of what's out there (feel free to ask questions though). I just want to relay that yes, it works, and yes, the better relationship you're striving for is there to achieve. Apologies for the length!

Background

My wife and I have been together as a couple for almost 9 years now and we've been married for more than 4 years. We're in our early 30s and have two kids: an almost 3 year old and a 8 month old. Our relationship was never all that bad but I felt unsatisfied and less appreciated than I felt I deserved (but that didn't change my actions of course). Around kids arriving we had dry spells for up to 6 months. Before then sex was down to once every two weeks at times and felt like duty sex more than anything. I had mostly stopped trying to initiate to avoid the pain of rejection. Since changing myself in the manner described on this sub and elsewhere I'm happier, my wife is happier, and our sex life is better than it has ever been. So I went from feeling hen pecked and thirsty to having sex about every other day (which works for both of us), blow jobs often, etc. As an example, I came back from a out of town boys weekend that I had organized recently and after putting the kids to bed she started blowing me in the kitchen which lead to wild sex in the bedroom.

It's been about a year since I discovered the red pill (I've lurked for a long time but never posted until now). Leading up to discovering it, I had read an article posted on reddit about how couples who break down chores along traditional gender lines have more sex. This and a few other things had primed me for the idea that men and women aren't interchangeable and that perhaps we've lost something with the equivalency that we've been sold on. Although I didn't consider myself to have a dead bedroom, I clearly wasn't happy with our sex life and used to browse /r/deadbedrooms out of curiosity. Someone there posted a link to Married Man Sex Life and from there I just devoured everything I could find on the topic.

Reading

I want to take time here to reiterate the importance of reading the sidebar material. My impression is that, while support is valuable and questions provide content for others, many people would benefit from simply seeking out the answers to their questions. It's all there. Here is a list of some of what I've read and found useful:

  • The Rational Male: Rollo is probably the most comprehensive and deep thinker on these topics. Take the time to read and absorb what's in this book (and his blog) and 99% of your questions will be answered.
  • Married Man Sex Life Primer: Incredibly useful resource for anyone that's married. Don't bother with the blog or forum, it really has unfortunately become a feminized space.
  • When I Say No I Feel Guilty
  • The Sex God Method: For when your efforts have begun to pay off
  • The Way of Men by Jack Donovan (and I enjoyed his collection of essays, A Sky Without Eagles): Read this book! This book is the best description of masculinity that I've ever come across. Your wife wants to be married to a man, and as Jack writes, manhood is detemined by your peers in groups of men. It's important to find a group of men that you can spend time with and get out of the house with. During my journey of change, I also befriended a coworker who became my lifting partner (he also had coincidentally swallowed the red pill around the same time as me). I now consider him to be my best friend and I gain an incredible amount from interacting him. We make each other better.

Lifting

It's been repeated before but it can't be said enough. Since swallowing the red pill, I've gone from someone that looks like this:

Before

to this:

After

Which physique do you think my wife gets wet for? I saw a noticeable difference in my wife's behavior once I reached a certain level of leanness. Not only that, she's taken it upon herself to begin to get in shape herself and lose what she's accumulated throughout our relationship. This is something I know she's wanted for a long time but never had the strength to do. She looks better than she has in years and is still going. On top of my wife clearly being more physically attracted to me, I get more attention from random women and noticeably more respect and regard from people in general. If you're going to be a man, you have to look like one. It takes a time and hard work but you can do it. Educate yourself and act.

Random lessons I've learned

  • It's going to be a bumpy road. You'll make mistakes. She'll cry sometimes due to your successes and your failures. But it gets better bit by bit because you get better.
  • You're giving her what she wants. This was something I told myself at the beginning. Ultimately, the hope was being more assertive, practicing and internalizing the things written about in this sub and elsewhere, etc. would lead to a better relationship for both of us. And it has! She smiles more, seems more relaxed, and I feel much more in control of my life.
  • Embrace the contradiction of improving your relationship by being less committed to it. I'm at the point now where I could get divorced tomorrow and truly be very happy. I think my wife is aware of this. At the same time, I've never been more content and engaged in our relationship. I used to joke about how if my wife ever left me I'd be screwed because I was hopeless with women. How repulsive! And what an insult to her! At some point along the way she threw me a comfort test about how it seemed like I believed women were always replaceable. I told her "You should be happy with that! It means I choose to be with you rather simply being with you because I see no other choice." We were banging 20 minutes later.
  • She's driven endlessly to seek security, but it's not your job to give it to her. I'm sure my wife is less secure in our relationship than she used to be. But that's because I used to give the impression that nothing could ever make me consider leaving. Unconditional security does not lead to happiness.
  • Kids/babies are cockblocks. Oxytocin floods women when dealing with babies and breastfeeding. It's a very lovey-dovey feeling and not arousing in the least (my wife and I have spoken about this). If you have young kids, understand that things will be harder. That just means you have to be mindful of being clear that you are a sexual being and you expect a sexual relationship (with your actions!). Also, be aware that newborns can easily create a situation where she needs help, you want to help, she's stressed, and you fall into a routine of being a servant. By all means, help, but don't let any disrespect go by unchallenged. Ultimately my wife became calmer and less stressed when I adopted this mentality (big difference from the first kid to the 2nd).
  • Make male friends. I want to repeat this point because I don't see it stressed elsewhere and I think it's important. Men are meant to be part of a male hierarchy, to have peers, a gang. If you don't have this, it's important that you try to acquire it. It gives you an environment to reclaim your masculinity, and it gives you an outlet to have a life separate from your family. This is invaluable. Women, I think, will naturally want to be the center of your world. It's important to resist this if you feel her pulling that way. I think we've lost something by not valuing male friendships and spaces like we used to.

Conclusions

I've rambled on long enough. I hope this post will be of use to people. I've gotten a lot of out of the red pill community as a lurker. My relationship isn't perfect. It never will be. But it's better than it's ever been and only going to get better.