I've been interested in TRP for a while. r/seduction was great for me when I first discovered reddit, PUA techniques and thinking helped me with my confidence, not just with girls but with life in general.
I'm an intelligent person. I can't lie about that. I know objectively that I am. I may not be a genius but I know I'm intelligent. I'm not unattractive. All that surface shit - my hair is cool, I dress all right, I take care of myself. I think I can pull. I'm not confidant in bed because I'm inexperienced, but I could definitely have more sex than I currently am if I wanted to. One TRP term that always catches my eye is "outcome independent". That is me 100%. Actually, sometimes it's a problem. It's like I'm too aloof. Sometimes I want to give advice on TRP but I know I wouldn't be able to do so as myself, a butch woman. But I know how to talk to girls, I know what girls like. I know what they like to hear.
I've been single pretty much perpetually though. I've felt that I've had enough sex not to destroy my self esteem, but that's starting to change after a dry spell. I've dated a few girls. I've had a lot of friends. I've had girls that wanted to be more than friends, but the truth is, in those situations, I never really did. When I was younger, I was worried about the "crazy lesbian" thing. What I saw as "craziness" in girls had me paranoid. It was like all the sudden I could see fights we were going to have in the future. As high as my self esteem is, thinking about exposing myself to someone made me really insecure.
Is that like a really feminine thing to say? I feel like a lot of people know this about themselves, but they can't admit it, like it'll make them weak. You know what's funny? I'm pretty masculine, really. I get identified as male all the time. People usually never ask if I'm gay. When I was younger I went through a slightly more feminine stage and it was still not feminine enough. People would just not assume so much. Like I said, I think I'm self aware. I see my masculinity not as a whole but a bunch of parts, not just in appearance, but in personality and lifestyle. Every masculine quality seems independent of each other when I'm just living my day to day life. Do you guys get that? It's always been that way. I don't know how to be a girl that isn't like other girls.
I am a girl, and I'm totally cool with that too. But what does it mean to be a girl/woman/feminine, I'm not really sure. It sure as fuck doesn't mean the same as it used to. Sometimes the idea of "being a a man" seems more like trying to be like our father's generation. Ron Swanson shit. But my mom's generation is aways talking about how much better it is to be a woman now than when they were my age. I'm not trying to change my name or tell people to use different pronouns. I like to think I can embrace those other qualities in me that are feminine.. Like, I'm not athletic. I'm skinny and fit but like I'm not someone that goes to a gym, I stay in shape just by walking. I've got artistic hobbies like playing the guitar and singing, you know, sensitive dude shit. I cry in movies or really great songs or even things are just so happy and great! Haha, what else? I can cook! I like my clothes and my hair and stuff!
I don't know why I feel like I need to talk about this. I guess I'm just assuming there's more guys in here and I have to justify my masculinity somehow. Usually I'm pretty secure in myself, but I guess what I'm saying is that lately I'm not really sure what people want from me. What girls need from me. I wouldn't know how to be anything more than just friends. I wouldn't know what the kind of girl I could do that with if I saw her.
But you know... I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm trying to just be satisfied with my life as it is. I think about that whole you gotta be happy single to be happy in relationship thing. I keep myself occupied with hobbies. But at the end of the day, I feel like I'm planning for a future with just me and a couple of dogs. "Confirmed bachelor" used to be a euphemism, now it seems realistic...