Posted this at the red pill and was told to post it here.
I am someone who had/has PDD-NOS (formerly Asperger's Syndrome) and, thanks to the psychedelic experience, I have changed my life. I have moved to the place I want to live, I have discovered a passion that gives me real fulfillment (spiritually and very practically) and I have also finally narrowed down the right career for me, one that won't make a lot of money, but one that I am morally a-okay with and can handle. I've even found a group of friends that match the type of person I am, something I never thought would happen.
I grew up thinking I was homosexual and I had (protected) sex with several men. I know what it's like to give and receive from a man, both orally and anally. The thing is, I feel like despite that statement, that I was mistaking dad-issues, autistic weirdness (indifference to women and sex in general) and a personal desire for perfection -- I've confused it all for homosexuality. I think I was attracted to the man I've actually become today, but at the time, I wasn't that man. Now that I've become that man, the desire for me to please someone muscular, endowed and confident has faded. Now, I am that man.
This leads me to where I am today. The Red Pill has always intrigued me, but it has also seemed somewhat irrelevant to me, mainly because I am already extremely confident and happy with my life. I'm actually SO into not giving a fuck about relationships in general that I've become almost monk-like in my creative devotions, and these devotions only continue to increase in proficiency. They may even lead me to fame down the road, but life is deeper to me than fame, so it's not my priority. Again, I really don't give a fuck, I just do what makes me happy.
Yet in the back of my mind I realize that 'relationships' and women in general (because I've already given men a chance) should be more of a priority. But honestly, they just AREN'T. I just -don't care-, yet lately, I do myself caring just A BIT more, and I'm smart enough to know that I may be finally catching up to Eighth Grade with the rest of y'all. I feel like I'm JUST discovering women, but I'm like at a Jr. High School level. I don't feel intimidated as much as I am just new to the experience. Also a lifetime of conditioning thinking I was gay has really fucked up the idea of approaching women.
Life is long. At my current trajectory, I know I'm going to work my way up to translating my success to something that can be shared with someone else, but every time I had a relationship with another man (where I was the dom), it generally seemed to be filled with soooo much bullshit, that I actually envied when I was single and masturbating. When I had time to follow my hobbies and smoke weed and really do whatever the fuck I want.
I'm not living in a bubble, while I've never had a relationship with a woman, I've been around enough to know it's not THAT different from a gay dom/sub relationship, in terms of the emotional weight and potential stress. I guess what I'm asking for is general advice. I'm torn between feeling asexual and feeling like I owe it to myself to experience women in general, yet I just don't care. Yet, I no longer find myself attracted to men, especially as I myself became physically attractive.