This is going to be a brief presentation of my story, and then pose a general question for the community based on my story. I'am sure is affecting other readers out there.

I've always been a slightly nerdy kid, but I actually didn't get bullied at all for it. As an example, while all my classmates would watch cartoons and shit in grade school, I would be watching modern marvels and documentaries on the history channel. I did ok in grade school socially, but girls would always make comments in middle school along the lines of "maybe if you're lucky someday, a woman will pity you and marry you." It never really bothered me at the time, but it obviously became internalized, which I will highlight later.

My first 2-3 years of high school were clearly the most damaging factor in me getting into my current position. I would get home from school at around 3pm, and would play world of warcraft until around midnight, unless I had some major assignment due. While I was a spectacular paladin healer, I had no social interaction outside of school. What does no social interaction mean, you ask? I never hung out with or saw another classmates house until at least halfway through my junior year of high school. No, this is not an exaggeration. I was probably omega status at the time. This could be good or bad depending on how you look at it, but I didn't date anyone. Between the fact that I realized my SMV (although I didn't term it as such at the time) was non-existent and what I overheard other girls say about me, I just stayed out of the dating game, tagging myself as undesirable. I thankfully recovered a little bit and was able to lead a somewhat normal senior year, and actually made a decent group of normal friends. A week or so before I quit WOW a guildmate introduced me to the seduction community. I read a bunch of their stuff and saw where I was going wrong. However, I eventually left that scene as it seemed too focused on club game, and although I can at this point in my life somewhat enjoy myself in a club, it is still not my element.

I went to community college for two years and during that time worked on a bunch of stuff for self improvement. Throughout the two years, I picked up bass guitar, started working out (You can actually determine when I'm flexing my biceps now, before there was no visual difference. No 6 pack yet, but working on it), read books like no more mr. nice guy and models. I also got promoted at my job, had a good group of friends and got my fashion in check. I also tried online dating, and my beta behaviors shone through like a fucking spotlight. Waiting at the place for 45 minutes because she "forgot she had stuff to do beforehand", paying for everything, etc...thankfully I found the TRP shortly after this. While I did manage to finally kiss a girl, I'm still a virgin at 21. TRP has helped me to be less of a pushover and become more comfortable with masculinity, although that's still a work in progress.

This year for my junior year of school I transferred to a 4 year university and things are going decently so far. I'm getting involved with some clubs, have made new friends and gone out to bars and parties. I'm also playing bass in a band, working out regularly, and kicking ass in my classes. My SMV is definitely the highest it's ever been. However, there is still this inner beta inside me that seems to be inhibiting all of my attempts with women. Here are three examples, although I would guess this has happened at least 10 times so far.

  1. At an orientation for my college, I met these two girls. We talked a bunch through the whole thing, and ate lunch afterwords. At the end when I was going to ask for their numbers, my brain basically shut down, forcing me to say "ok, see ya around", and quickly walk away.
    2)On one of my first days of class a girl walked up to me, recognized me from living in the same building and started talking with me. Again as i think about asking her for her number, my brain freezes and I just say bye and walk away.
    3)At a party just having a good time and getting to know people. Start talking to a cute girl when a beer pong slot opens up. Ask her to be my partner, we go undefeated (7wins) for the evening. We're talking the whole time and getting to know each other. She has to leave early (class the next morning). Again I plan on asking her for her number, but my scumbag brain just freezes again.

Observations: Since starting to read TRP I have been able to approach and talk to women easily, no problem. However, when it come to asking them out, my brain seems to go into sleep mode and just shut off. My hypothesis for this goes back to my grade school and high school days, where I was beta/omega status. While I can live a great life now, thinking about asking for their numbers triggers my subconscious into remembering all of those old bad memories and the brain stops me from asking them for fear of possibly creating new memories. When I was at the party I tried to ask and heard myself ask for the number in my head, but my mouth wouldn't move.

Questions: How can I overcome this? Has anyone else dealt with a similar issue? I feel like I'm actually in control of my life, except for this issue which is clearly inhibiting my interactions with women. My other question is how to become more accepting of masculinity. Growing up I was never masculine, but I was more in an in-between state. Reading TRP has made me understand the importance of masculinity, but I'm still struggling with understand what masculinity is and how to incorporate that into my personality. I've noticed as I've become more masculine my beta behaviors have vanished, so I figure that if I can get a better understanding of masculinity it may force out this beta behavior that is still trapped in my subconscious. I feel like understanding out how to stomp out this inner beta would be a great discussion of how to actually implement RP theory into ones actual life.